This feeling

There was this time in my life when I just wanted to die. I was in unbearable mental and emotional pain and I could not bear it anymore. I was always crying and I hated myself, everything about myself. Life seemed pointless to me and I did not see a reason to live. I lost interest in all the things I used to love to do. I felt like I was never going to be good enough for anyone and no one needed or wanted me around anyways so how would it matter to anyone if I just went away. In fact, I wondered if anyone would even notice if I wasn’t around anymore. It was really bad and it went to a point where I even self-harmed once. It got so bad that one night, I was sitting with a blade in my hand wondering why I was even alive anymore and maybe I should just put myself and everyone else around me out of their misery. But I am a coward and I was too scared to do it. And the worst part of it was that I hid it from everyone and no one cared enough to notice that I was feeling like shit. It took a long time but slowly it started getting a little better. I started feeling a little better. But I will never forget how painful that time of my life was. And there was no out. It was so painful to live but I was too scared to die. There was no out. And now, I am slowly starting to feel like that again. I don’t want to feel like that again. I really don’t but I don’t know what to do about it.

Love.

I am pathetic and disgusting. And I need to go and get a life. I am so stupid. I have always loved looking at couples and loved seeing how happy they are with each other and that has always made me very happy, but lately, along with being happy, I have also started being envious. Every time I see a happy couple my mind starts screaming I want that, I want that. It’s pathetic.

The truth I do want that. In fact, I am desperate for that. I just want to be in a relationship. To know that I love someone who loves me as much. Who wants to be with me and who will be there for me when I need them. I just want someone who is happy to be around me. I want someone to kiss me like they can’t get enough of me and hold me with the intention of never letting go.  I just want her.

PROM

Okay, so I decided that I should go to prom and so I went. It was… interesting. We got ready in the school only and all of us got ready together so that part of the evening was fun. Helping with each other’s makeup, hair and choosing dresses and all that. I went with a couple of my friends to prom and everyone kind of walked in on a red carpet which was pretty scary for me, but it was okay. Then, my crush (this girl I keep talking about – I have referred to her as R in some of my previous posts!) walked in with her date and my god, It was such a heart-breaking but beautiful moment for me. She wore a Green dress and she looked amazing. Then initially I just hung around with a few people, got pretty bored. Then they announced prom king and queen, which was nice. This was followed by the cake cutting ceremony and then everyone started dancing and all. The dancing part was fun and so was the eating part! Then the prom king and queen did a slow dance and then all the couples joined in. It was so beautiful to watch. R dancing with her date and I literally could not keep my eyes of her, she looked so beautiful. Then we took a history class picture which was really nice. I went with this friend of mine (who I have referred to as Shaz in my previous posts) but I kind of ended up not hanging out with her much so that was kind of bad and my shoe broke halfway through but it was fine! Overall, It was alright, It was not amazing but whatever.

Day 9 – First celebrity crush

You know the when you are 13 or something and most girls start having celebrity crushes and are always talking about or more like shrieking about it. Well, I didn’t. And everyone around me would be like he (some or the other male celebrity) is so hot or so cute or whatever and I never found them hot or cute. So I assumed that there was something wrong with me and so I pretended to like them to and would be like, yeah he is cute.

Then when I had my first celebrity crush I was so happy and so freaked out at the same time. Happy because I finally had one and freaked out because it was a girl. This was the time I was figuring out who I was and all that shit. I actually had two celebrity crushes at the same time. They were Mila Kunis and Olivia Wilde. And they were followed by Angelina Jolie, Ellen page and Miranda Kerr. Now, I don’t really call them crushes because I don’t think I can crush on someone I don’t even know at all but I do find all of them really beautiful and love their work. So yeah. Umm, okay bye.

P.S- I really need to start finding better ways to end my posts!

P.P.S. – In case you have not seen Juno, I urge you to do so immediately. It is one of my most favourite movies ever (starring Ellen Page) and I just watched it for the 6^th time day before yesterday and I still love it as much as I did the first time.  Ohh and the music in that film is also amazing.

Day 8 – Old photos #memories

Oh my god, I feel so guilty about missing a day of this challenge, but I do have a valid reason for missing. I went for my school Prom! (more on that later) Anyways so today I am going to put up yesterday’s and today’s challenge posts.

So here are some of my old photos (sorry, but the photos are not very clear) –

1. 
2.  Me with my favourite childhood doll who I named Greeny. (how original! :P). Oh, and I still have the doll.
3. Me with my baby sister.
4. Making sand castles with my grandmother on a beach in India.
5. 
6.      Playing with yet another doll and an aunt of mine.

Yaa, so that’s about it!