Goals for the summer~

So I decided that I’m going to make a list of goals for the summer so I don’t fall into my usual depressed summer routine where I just sleep and wallow for the entire fucking day. (Keeping busy is a good way to beat mental illness, right!?? RIGHT!?)

  1. Art! Draw, paint, try new mediums, explore what you can do! I really want to work on my art this summer because I know I don’t get too much time during the college year (poor time management! :/). So hopefully, I’ll get a substantial amount of stuff done cuz I wanna redo my portfolio.
  2. Journal + notebook. So I have a black notebook in which I right all the things I love, other people’s writings. So I want to work on that more. Basically just write more in it. And I want to start journal-ing properly. My writings, my thoughts, my art. Let’s see how this goes!
  3. Internship. Not much to say here, I have an internship that starts Monday so that’ll keep my days busy.
  4. Gym. I wanna get fit. So I’ve joined a gym and my aim is to go regularly and get into a good rhythm.
  5. READ. I wanna read so many books. Like I genuinely have such a long list and I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I hate that I’ve almost stopped reading and I’m going to start again.
  6. Meet friends and just keep in touch with people. Being at home is hard. The only way for me to keep okay is to keep connected with my friends and I’m going to do this. I’m not going to get sucked into a stupid dark place again like I usually do in the summers.
  7. Relax. I need to relax and chill before next semester starts!

Okay, I think that’s it. I feel like I’m missing out on some stuff but idk so this is it for now! 🙂

I’ll try again tomorrow

Today was a good day in terms of doing things. Met up with two friends. Hung out with family including my dog. Had ice cream and pizza. 

But honestly, I feel like I barely made it through today. It was a bad day. It was a very difficult day and it felt like I couldn’t get through it. But I did. And I’m going to sleep now and I’ll try again tomorrow. 

Therapy

I think I’ve mentioned that this past semester, I was going for therapy once a week at college. And honestly, it was helping. But then vacations started and I’m at home now which means no more therapy. And also, there’s going to be a new therapist when I go back cuz the one I was seeing last sem left.

So it’s kinda confusing. The thing is, I’ve never had proper therapy before so I don’t know how this is supposed to go, I don’t know if it was helping or not, she didn’t give me any diagnosis or anything and idk really. I was just doing it cuz I didn’t know what else to do. And honestly, I plan on continuing next sem cuz it did help a little, talking about things I’ve never said out loud before and what not.

I just wish I could continue therapy over the summer but I can’t because it would involve TOO much lying and sneaking out and it’s too fucking expensive.

Another thing is about medication. People keep asking me if i’m on meds but I’m not and everyone tells me I should talk to the doc about it but honestly, idk if I want to. Firstly, it’s too expensive. Secondly, a lot of lying and sneaking around family. And lastly, the adjustment period for psych meds is terrible and idk if I’m up for all that specially cuz I have to deal with it all on my own :/

But anyway, that’s the update on that front, let’s see how the summer goes! (CANNOT WAIT FOR COLLEGE TO REOPEN!)

Things I Learned About Relationships In Freshman Year

(Wow why is the title is so long!?)

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I am going to be writing a series of what I learned about _______ in my freshman year and so here’s one about relationships. And by relationships I mean, both, friendships and romantic relationships. Now, trust me, I fucked up a lot so here’s some stuff I learned (or am still learning tbh) –

  1. Don’t force it. This has to be number one learning! Yes, put effort in your relationships but don’t force it. If it’s meant to happen, it will. You shouldn’t feel like your effort isn’t being reciprocated. (This is v important for me cuz I’m the type of person who gets stuck on things, even things that don’t work).
  2. Relationships get made without you realizing it. Over pancakes in the middle of the night, over panic attacks, on the bridge listening to Katy Perry, over having “alternate” sexualities, anything really!
  3. It is so important to have a good roommate relationship. You’re going to be living with this person for the entire year, so might as well be nice and have a comfortable situation. I’m so lucky that my roommate and I get along so well that we are rooming together next year too!
  4. Sometimes space is important. For you and the other person. Give it time. It’ll be okay.
  5. Don’t let anyone give you shit for your relationships as long as you’re happy with your decisions. Honestly, whether it’s a friends with benefits relationship, or a serious “I’ll someday marry you” relationship, don’t let anyone shame you for it!
  6. Form relationships/friendships/whatever with your seniors. Honestly, they can be so amazing and helpful in you getting through college. They know all the coll hangout places and what to do and what not to. And really, they can become great friends (again, i’m so fucking lucky! my seniors are the absolute best!).
  7. Different friends have different roles to play in your life. Some friends will be there to make you laugh and to chill with, others will be there when you need to cry/vent. It’s unfair to expect everything from just one person.
  8. Giving people paper cranes is a good way to make friends. Trust me. (just a warning though – it is a little random and might confuse people?)
  9. Food helps you bond with people. Enough said about this one.
  10. oh my god just trust me but friendships and relationships and people save you and help you save yourself ahhh they are so nice and pure and lovely and i love making friends wow but also be careful and take your time but yeah okay thanks.

That’s pretty much it. Wow I’m feeling so wise!

Pls to share your “things I learned” in the comments?

Things I Learned From Freshman Year

Okay so I genuinely learned so much about life this year. First year of college was exciting and scary and I made it through and along the way I learned a few (a lot) of things and so here goes –

  1. It’s okay to ask for help. This is probably the most important thing I learned this year and I’m still learning to accept it tbh.
  2. How to use the manual laundry machine! Yes omg thanks to my wonderful roommate who after fucking up a few times, learned how to use the machine and taught me so I never have to hand-wash my stuff again!
  3. Going to classes is sort of important. And keeping track of the number of classes you’ve missed is important too! (otherwise you’ll probably get a bad grade and regret not going to class more.)
  4. Talk to your professors!!! This one is so fucking important. They are human beings and they will understand if you explain why you’re unable to do something or need help or whatever.
  5. Making paper cranes for people is a good idea. It makes people happy and making people happy makes me happy.
  6. Talk to lots of people. You don’t know who you’ll connect with and where that could go! Honestly, the number of friends I’ve made in the most random of ways is astounding.
  7. Sign up for cool things such as a peer mentor-ship program! I have such a cool mentor, I am so lucky!
  8. It’s okay to be silly sometimes. Actually, it’s great! Be silly, let it out. Don’t think too much about what other people will think.
  9. Work hard. Honestly, you just have to!
  10. The bridge is a good place to hang out, cry, have dance parties etc. But honestly, if you’re not feeling good, don’t go alone.

Okay this list could go on forever so maybe I’ll make a mini series out of it? I’m thinking I’ll do another one about things I learned about myself and then one about love and one about classes or whatever. Lets see! Also, please share college wisdom in the comments so I can learn more? 🙂

Panic?

Okay so this is something I’ve been avoiding talking about and I’m still not gonna go into much detail. (But yeah I will be writing about it in the next few days but anyway back to the point of this post.)

The thing is, I’ve been having really bad panic attacks this past semester. And I’m really working on it, I’ve been going to therapy v regularly and everything. But yeah, it’s been quite bad. Like ranging from 1 to 5 a day. So bad that sometimes I can’t even walk and just have to sit down on the floor in classrooms, in corridors, in the mess, basically wherever. And often times I’m even unable to sit through classes and often just walk out. Thankfully, my profs have been quite understanding about it. 

So anyway, my point is, I’m so lucky to be surrounded by such caring people. I’ve had people who I’ve never spoken to come sit next to me and hold my hand and get me water and just sit with me. I’ve had friends come to me all the way from the other end of campus. I’ve had people get me my stuff and share notes. I’ve had people buy me nimbu paani and give me their water bottles and read stuff out for me. I’ve had people coming to find me on the bridge in the night when they know I’m not doing very okay. I’ve had friends skip (shitty) parties and just sit with me. And I’m so fucking grateful. And so lucky to have these people around me. I’ve genuinely made so many friends like this. People just noticing when I’m not okay and just being kind and helping me and just holding my hand through the rough bits and reminding me to breathe. I don’t know, maybe this is why I say that I’ve found home? 

A lovely evening out!

Yesterday, I went out to this very fancy restaurant with a couple of my high school friends and it was wonderful!

One of my friends from college has a band and they perform a lot at college. This was their first gig in the city and I wanted to go to support her. A lot of people from college were there and the entire place was extremely crowded but it was great!

So Shivz and Nanya, my friends from high school were back in town and so I invited them to come with me and they agreed. SO we reached the place around 9 and stayed till about 11. The band was amazing and it was such a pleasant evening. I didn’t even feel the need to snapchat my life! I know that sounds stupid but I was just so in the moment that I didn’t even want to record it or anything. (I got my friend to take a snapchat tho cuz another friend of mine wanted to see!)

I ran into a lot of college people and a few of them stopped by to chat. I had one very unusual conversation with a girl from college that I had never spoken to before. So she just randomly comes up to me and starts talking to me. After a couple of minutes, I ask her if she even knows my name because I was beyond confused as to how come she was talking to me! But yeah, it was really nice!

I met my friend who was performing before and after her performance and I was so glad I went. She’s such a nice and super super talented person. I am also really glad I went because I got to see so many familiar faces that I won’t be seeing for three months and some I might not be seeing ever again cuz they’re graduating!

It was also great catching up with Shivz and Nanya cuz I hadn’t met Shivz in about 5 months and Nanya in like 8/9 months. All in all, it was such a great evening, one of the best I’ve had in a while!

(I use a lot of exclamation points, hmmmm)

Done With Freshman Year~

GUYS I’M DONE WITH FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!???

I remember my first week like it was yesterday but it also feels so long ago! Like it’s strange, it’s like time went by too fast but also very slowly!?

I remember when I wasn’t too sure about my college decision and wasn’t sure that I’d like it. I can’t imagine myself anywhere but here now. I love my college so much. It feels like home, whatever this is. I can’t explain it very well but I shall try.

It’s laughing and crying, hogging on pancakes and Maggi in the middle of the night, dhaba dates, bridge dance sessions, learning to let go of things, learning that it’s okay to ask for help, feeling safe(ish) and pushing my boundaries. It’s movie nights, pantry gossip sessions, singing in the showers, bonding over the amount of work we have, promising to go to gym everyday but ending up just eating nutella instead, and sobbing in your friends room without having to explain. It’s sitting on hilltops and talking about the meaning of life, it’s watching friends play football at 2am, it’s sitting outside the mess just talking and it’s studying in the common room. It’s also kind friends and strangers holding my hand through panic attacks and letting me ride it out, it’s them hiding out in a safe place with me when I don’t feel brave enough to face the world, it’s people willing to listen.

That in no way sums up all of college but I could go on forever. But honestly, most importantly, it’s the people. The people who’ve taught me so much, been there for me, inspired me and just been extremely kind. I’ve had people I’ve never spoken to, come help me during a panic attack. I’ve actually made friends like that. I’ve made friends I trust completely. I’ve genuinely never met people I like and trust more than this.

And not going to lie, I sometimes hate it but that’s okay. I’m still trying to figure out how some things work and learning to find ways to change this I don’t like but I think that’s okay. It’s all part of the process.

In some weird way, I feel like I’ve found home, in both the place and the people.

FINALS

FINALS ARE KILLING ME

Finals are going on and I genuinely feel like I’m dying. I have two paper due on the same day and I don’t know what to do with my life pls send help.

Okay, breathe.

My lovely friend made me a study playlist so that’s helping a lot. I had to come home today though cuz I had to help my mother with some stuff so that’s completely fucked up my schedule. But its okay, I can do this.

Just three more finals to go and then I’m free!!!!!

(How is year one of college already almost over wtf!?)

(This post is a wreck, bye!)

5 50

It’s that feeling you have. When you’ve had an incredibly tiring journey but you’ve finally reached your destination. You’re tired but you’re also happy? Tired but satisfied. It’s beautiful around you and you’re taking it all in but you’re also yawning! That’s how I feel right now. It’s 5 50am as I write this. I’ve been up all night holed up in a classroom, working. Deciding to take an early morning walk is one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while! I have to submit a paper in less than 12 hours and I haven’t started. I should be worried. I’m not. I can’t think of anything right now. This moment is just satisfaction. I’ll start worrying when it’s 6am and I have to get back to work.
It’s quiet here. But also really loud because birds. Green. Lots of green and sunflowers. Big ones. I was taking a walk around the block and saw them from afar and somehow almost gravitated towards them! It’s calm. Still. Not a scary stagnant still. My legs aren’t shaking with anxiety. I should do this more often.
Genuinely though, I’d be a morning person if I could wake up for more mornings!