Moving on 

It’s a weird feeling. The feeling when you know it’s over and you’re ready to move on. I mean like sometimes you have friends who are still in your life and you’re glad they are, but they’re not your everything. Like if they were to hate you, you could easily get yourself to not care. 

So for me, I get very attached to friends. So I had a bunch of poetry up on my table written by friends from school and I refused to take it down. Today tho, I was cleaning my table and cupboard and I had no issue with taking them down. That’s when I realised I’d moved on. It was a such a great feeling cuz that means I will never do anything for their aproval again. I really am over high school. 

Usually when these people come into town, I really want to meet them. But this summer, I couldn’t care less. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to meet, but I won’t force it. I’ll make plans and if it works out, great! If it doesn’t, okay. I mean if it doesn’t that would probably mean that our friendship is pretty much fading but idk what’s meant to be will be. 

I’m just in a very que sera, sera mood right now. 

Coming out!?

So I came out as bi to my sister today! It was totally unplanned and I don’t even know how I did this!?

So me, my sis, and a friend of mine had gone out to hang out and get some food and stuff. My sis knew that I had a thing for someone but she assumed it was a boy and so I didn’t say anything. Today somehow I decided to tell her.

I legit came out to my sis sitting in McDonalds!? So my sis asks me about my crush as to whether he’s hot. So I just told her it’s not a boy. She just smiles and then she said go on but like I couldn’t talk for like a minute. (It was actually only an almost non noticeable second but it felt longer in my head.) And so I then said it’s a girl. Then I told her to guess who it was and she did. Then she asked me if I’m bi and I said yes. I usually don’t say I’m bi cuz I don’t like the label but I think it’s okay now.

Then she asked whether I plan to tell mom and I said no. And then she asked why I didn’t tell her earlier to which I said that I saw no reason to. I told her that if  you didn’t come and tell me you were straight then why should I have to.

So that was pretty much it, she took it pretty well!

Only one question which annoyed me a little was that she asked whether I thought I was bi because I’m so into LGBT activism and idk. So I told her no and it annoyed me but I get that she’s still learning so it’s okay. I know she’s gonna ask more questions later but that’s okay, I’ll have to answer them now that I’ve started this!

So one person from my entire family officially knows!!! Wow Idk what came over me today but this is good I guess. It’s progress 🙂

Guilt

Guilt feels like calling her because I really need to be around her when I feel like I can’t breathe.

Guilt tastes like chocolate and noodles that she made for me that night.

Guilt sounds like I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry God, I’m sorry for being such a fuck up. 


Sorry for terrible writing. Was trying to write about guilt, got distracted and then this^ happened so anyway this is it.

Breaking?

There is a lot of anger and resentment and excitement and sadness and love and emotion in me but I am unable to express it. I am unable to write about it. I’m unable to write about love and it’s killing me. Nothing I write seems worth writing and I am tired. I need to write like I used to. More raw, more honest.

I think I’m just scared that if I start being honest, I’ll realize I’m more fucked up than I thought and writing things will just make them real. I need to write though. I need to write. And goddammit I need to write about her and how into her I am but I fucking can’t cuz everything seems not enough but at the same time I want to write about anything but her and I can’t handle this.

Maybe I need a break?

Summer Reading!

So I planned to read a lot this summer because I’ve neglected it for way too long and I miss it! And so this summer I downloaded a bunch of PDFs and bought a couple of books and I’m very excited cuz I’m actually reading and I love it.
So far, I’ve read three books, all of which I finished in a day each!

The first one I read was this book called Stargirl. It was actually my friend’s book that another friend had told me to return but I saw this note that she (owner of the book) and her sister had written at the back of the book about how much they love the book and I just had to read it! And I’m so glad I did. It was lovely! It’s a little slow at times but it’s worth reading. And honestly, I saw a little bit of me in one of the amin characters, maybe that’s why I loved it so much.

The second book I read was Animal Farm and it was amazing! I was going to read 1984 by Orwell but instead decided to read this one first and I’m so impressed! I don’t want to reveal too much about the book but it’s a very clever depiction of human society, scary almost. And honestly, I was almost angry (?) by the ned of it! 10/10 would recommend.

The third book which I read most recently is Tuesdays with Morrie. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. But it was also quite sad. And a few lines really stuck with me, “My old professor, meanwhile, was stunned by the normalcy of the day around him. Shouldn’t the world stop? Don’t they know what has happened to me? But the world did not stop, it took no notice at all, and as Morrie pulled weakly on the car door, he felt as if he were dropping into a hole. Now what? he thought.”
Yeah I don’t want to say anythign else about this one but please read it! It’s beautiful!

Okay so that is it! The next few books I’m planning to read are The Great Gatsby, All the Light We Never See, Three Daughters of Eve, and God of Small Things. But let’s see how it goes. Sometimes I see other books and get distracted, other times I just don’t have the time but yeah, I really want to read these! Also, book recommendations are always welcome 🙂

Recipe for happiness

I wrote this for one of my best friends, Hope. Hope made first year of college so memorable and I don’t know what I would have done without her!

So some time ago, she got a prompt for her creative writing class to write a poem which is a recipe or something like that. I don’t remember exactly but we ended up talking a lot about it and she told me to write her a recipe for happiness and I said I would try and write something really cheesy or whatever. But like I got so busy and didn’t end up doing it till now. I wrote it a few days back and sent it to her. It’s very basic and cheesy (and crappy) but anyway, this is it –

It’s simple you see

Just add the required ingredients

And happy you’ll feel!

A bunch of books mixed with a cup of green tea

Add a view of the hills but no noisy company

Conversations with friends on moon lit, starry nights,

Quiet presence of friends over breakfast and lunch

Add to that a dash of poetry and a spoonful of dark humor

And you’ve got yourself the foundation layer.

Here comes the crucial bit, be careful with this one –

Add a big spoonful of sisterly love and sibling rivalry

Then couple that with the love for and of your parents

And the dish is almost ready!

Now mix some personal growth and dreams

And throw a little music into the mix

Garnish the dish with independent adventures and travel

And happy you’ll be!


Hope is one of the best people I’ve met and I’m going to miss her so much.

I love you.

Thank you notes

(Thank you notes that double as apologies?)

So in the last semester, I’ve had a lot to be thankful for. Friends and acquaintances who have been beyond kind to me. And I’ve been wanting to say thank you to them for very long but I never seem to find the right words. Anything I say seems too less, too strange, not enough? I’ve been making paper cranes for people. But I have some things I really want to say. Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever show these to the people, like maybe some of them yeah sure but anyway, let’s see where this goes.

Winx club – You guys have been the most supportive, kindest, most fun people I’ve met at college. Thank you so much. DL, you are so kind and caring, I promise I’ll bring grapes for you! D, thank you for being you and doing stupid shit but also making your room feel like mine. Ish, girl, I love how you have such interesting questions to ask always, thanks for being my gym buddy! Hope, Love and rainbows? G, I’m sorry for the weird stuff recently and I know you’re going through a lot and you’re so strong and I admire you so much. CM, I’m glad I got to know you, thanks for always being there to help with stuff, ranging from making tea to paper cranes and lit papers. I don’t say this enough but I love you guys. I love how you guys don’t ask questions about my mental health when you know I can’t answer them and you’re just there for me silently being supportive and helping in your little ways. I’m sorry I’ve been so fucked up but trust me, I care a lot about you guys. Y’all made AU feel like home, or at least some version of it.

Tea – Thank you for being there. For the late night chill sessions and the pantry hangouts and just for making sem 1 so nice. (Also, thank for sitting on stairs with me when I cry) You were one of my first few friends at AU and I’m so thankful! Pls to do more chilling next sem even when you move to a different floor! You are v cool ok I’m done saying nice things about you cuz you’ll probably read this ew.

AK – Thank you! I barely know you but thank you so much for coming when I call and knowing where I’m going to be when I just say first floor and just being a great human. I’m also really sorry and yeah things will be different next sem cuz I’ll be less pathetic. You are such a nice person and I’m really glad you exist and also wow you are a v good dancer wow. Oh and one last thing, I never thought that this would become a thing after that one first time when you helped me and yeah, thank you.

Blue – You’re the first senior at AU I spoke to even before college started and I really admire you for everything! Poetry and general being nice stuff.  You actually mean more to me than I admit. Thank you for everything, PoS, bridge, random stuff. Thank you for telling me to call you.

UD – Thank you. I don’t really know what to say. You’re one of maybe like 4 people who know what I said that other night and I don’t regret telling you. Thank you for not making me regret telling you? Thank you for being there way too many times, thank you for letting me sit in you room that one really bad night. Thank you for sitting on the bridge with me. Sorry I dropped water on you that one time. Thank you for showing me that book you got from Abu Dhabi! And also, I’m sorry. For idk, ruining things for you, trust me, I’ll be better at this from next sem. Also, the painting was my way of saying thank you and sorry too. And lastly, I know you have people and everything, but if you ever need me or if there’s ever anything I can do, please let me know?

Seal –  Thank you so fucking much. For making me laugh, helping me walk, having long catching up sessions and just making me so fucking happy. I love you so damn much. But honestly, this doesn’t do you justice. I’m going to write you a separate post.

To all the other people who helped me (La, Ru, ANK, Si, Kari, Sre, Kelly, SimS, Pay, NidK, Puru) – Wow this is a  long list and I’m sure I’m missing many. Anyway, thank you for seeing me at my most vulnerable and stopping to help. Thank you for not judging and doing whatever you can to help. Thank you for being nice. Some of you guys, I know a bit, others very little. But honestly, I care so much about each and every one of you so damn much. (too much I think) but yes, thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.

Okay so this is it. I might write a part two to this because there are more people i want to thank but I can’t right now. Anyway, sorry this is a bit long. And so far I’ve decided to show it to three of the people in the list, I’ll think more about the others I guess?

 

“So how are things with your mother?”

So as my high school friends are all coming back into town for the vacations and meeting me and catching up, this question inevitably comes up. “So how are things with your mother? Are things better between you guys?” and I always just give ambiguous answers or say that I don’t want to talk about it. Truth is, I’m not sure myself.

Warning – Most of my recent posts have been relatively happy and sorted but this one probably isn’t going to be either of those things. Also, idk trigger warning for depression and stuff I guess? Like this post is sad and whiny and terrible. I’m sorry I just need to vent.

Moving on.

Somehow, my mother can make me hate myself the way no one else can. I just feel like the worst most terrible person ever. It seems like everything I do is somehow not good enough. And then she says things like I don’t care about her or that I have no idea how busy/stressed she is with work.

And honestly, maybe that hurts the most because I do know how stressed she is. Hell, I’ve known since like 7th grade or maybe even earlier. Why do you think I never tell her anything? I just don’t want to stress her out or upset her more. See the thing is, mom takes care of the paying for things and taking care of official things whereas I take care of home things and take care of my sister. So if she finds out that I’m fucked up, it’ll mess up our arrangement cuz she’ll have to worry about me then and she just doesn’t need that.

Anyway, since I’ve been home, the panic attacks have reduced a little, probably because I’m familiar with this space. But on the other hand, the depression stuff has increased so much. But I’m not surprised, this happens every time. Somehow, when you feel like killing yourself and your mother is screaming at you to put the shoes in or about why you can’t cover the bed, it makes you feel worse. Surprising, isn’t’ it? But also being told things about how much you are like your father is even worse. I don’t understand my mother sometimes. She knows I hate him and how much it hurts me when she compares me to him but she still does it. I don’t understand.

Maybe I did fuck up sometime without realizing it and that is why things are how they are. Maybe I am a terrible person idk (who am i kidding i know i am). My mother has actually told me that the reason her last relationship didn’t work was because of me. She’s said how I always mess things up and how I’m ruining her life. She’s told me that I don’t care.

And so I genuinely think that sometimes I’ll shut up. Just not say or do anything except things she wants me to do. But I can’t do that either because that upsets mom also. If I don’t talk much then she asks why I’m upset and being so ungrateful. Hell, I’m not even allowed to be sad or cry in my house! If I’m ever crying and my mom sees me crying then she needs to know why and she just tells me to stop. like what!? And what’s more is that often she says extremely hurtful things and if I cry at that then she just says stuff like why are you crying. Like I don’t understand? Didn’t you just hear what you said!??

I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this but when I’m around her, I feel like dying more than I usually do. Cuz like usually it’s at a manageable level, around her it’s worse. And the cutting (which I haven’t done in like a month are you proud of me yet) urges get worse too. Ugh i’m sorry.

See my mother does love me. I just think she doesn’t know how to deal with her life. And I’m tired of it cuz I’ve had enough shitty stuff from family and just ugh I want to just run away. Honestly can’t wait for college to start again so I can go back to somewhere I feeling okay is little easier.

anyway so I don’t know if things are better with my mom but things are definitely better because I get to stay away from her for a considerable part of the year even though I have to come home for the weekends.

Okay done ranting, sorry this is so crappy and pathetic but I needed to do this. Also sorry that it’s not even like well written ugh like ???

k sorry bye

Hiding places

“I’m good at hiding”, I say almost proudly.

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing”, K replies.

That’s the first time anyone’s ever told me that and I don’t know what to think.

Or I don’t know maybe I’ve heard it before but people always just tend to ask why I’m hiding. But something about hearing this in that particular context hit me very hard.

You see, I have a lot of good hiding places. The bridge, the roof, second floor of the academic block, 4th floor of the admin building, next to the corner room on the first floor and many others. I’ve gotten used to this. Running and hiding. Every time I panic, I hide. I’m not always able to if it gets really bad really fast but I try.

Panic makes you vulnerable. I can’t control the things I say and I can’t control my breathing and I don’t want people to see my like that. So I hide. I don’t know if I should or not but I’m so used to it. Been hiding so much for so many years, I almost don’t know how to not hide. Hiding my depression from my family, hiding my sexuality from them too. Hiding the severity of the abuse I went through, making jokes about it to deflect. Hiding the scars with makeup. I’m good at hiding. I have practice at this.

I don’t let myself think about how much hiding hurts though. How sometimes I don’t want to hide, just want to be found (wow how fucking dramatic am I!?).

oh fuck i don’t know what i was thinking anymore i got lost in my thoughts so yeah this is it i guess. and i guess the answer to why i hide is simple. it’s easy. hiding is so fucking easy and it’s easier (and harder maybe?) when people don’t even figure that you’re hiding. 

 

 

Homophobia!??

(For the course of this post, I’m going to refer to my college as AU)

So at AU, things like not being straight or whatever is no big deal at all. Like I really don’t have to worry about homophobia. In fact, sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble, don’t have to care about what I wear or how “revealing” my clothes are or what my sexuality is!

But I also forget that the entire world isn’t like that! So I started doing my internship at this company a couple of weeks back and it’s going okay but one thing that really bothers me is the casual homophobia in little things.

On my first or second day, during lunch, I was sitting with some colleagues who were talking about random stuff and one guy was telling a story about how their college seniors used to bully the juniors and how they used to bully this one guy who was gay. And honestly, I didn’t know how to react. And then today, I don’t know what the conversation was but somehow this actor came up who is rumored to be gay and then suddenly all the voices got hushed and someone was telling a story and idk it was just bad. And like I can’t really do anything about it but I just don’t know how to deal?

Like I know I can’t say anything cuz it’s not safe enough to. I guess these little things make me think twice (and thrice and more than that!??) about whether I should come out to people outside of my school and college friends. Like idk how family and outsiders will react. And honestly, I don’t give a fuck about outsiders but I do think that my extended family won’t take it well which will be bad for my family cuz ew family conflicts. In fact I don’t even know how my mom will react!? I know my sis will be cool with it though so that’s good.

Anyway, that’s it. Just something I was thinking about. Oh and also Happy Pride Month!!! 🙂