Except in that one drunk text, I’ve never actually told you that I miss you. And even in that one text, I hid it behind a bunch of other words. It’s really scary, you know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever actually tell you but I miss you so much all the time.
You’re around but you aren’t around and I don’t feel important enough and you don’t miss me and that hurts but I can’t change that. I think everyone has priorities and people let you know what their priorities are even if they don’t actually say it. And it’s become clear enough that I’m not a priority and I’m just trying to wrap my head around that.
I’m going to not text you anymore. And in return, I need you to not give me hope when I fuck up and do text you. Cuz each time you reply with enthusiasm, it gives me hope of something that isn’t real. So here’s what I’m going to do –
- Not text you.
- Try to avoid you a little bit.
- Call anyone but you.
- No bridge chill times.
I just really need to get over you now and distance will help.
But for now, I really miss you.
On one side, the drains are overflowing because of the rains and it almost looks like a flood. Up on the other side, I stand with my earphones in listening to some peppy Hindi song. I knew just where to stop and stand when I saw faces that looked very Ashokan. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know. I look around and there are four of us here excluding the guard Bhaiya. All of us, somewhat impatiently waiting for the shuttle. All of our ears plugged. I worry about whether my music is playing too lour and other people can hear and judge. And then I realise, no one can probably hear it. Their earphones are on too. A kind man in the metro tried to help me figure out where I was king when I got on to the metro but I missed half of what he was saying cuz I had my earphones in. Got out of the metro just in time, slightly confused about what had just happened. I’m a well seasoned metro traveller, how did I fuck up.
You see I was just dreaming about the thukpa and momos and Tibetan bread I had for under 200 rupees having already forgotten the tears that the spicy fenni brought to my eyes. I think the hot chocolate took care of that too.
Somehow it felt like I wasn’t even in delhi. Tiny streets lined with shops and restaurants boasting a menu of Tibetan and Korean and Chinese food. Old women sitting next to the fenni shop near the temple making me smile. Oh and that dog curled up in the corner trying to avoid the rain.
So it was my birthday recently. And every year on my birthday, I get a card/flowers/cake from my dad. Earlier it used to be just a card but in the more recent years it’s usually been a flowers and a card or flowers and a cake. Sometimes all three!
For background – I haven’t met my dad in 10+ years. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom and back when they were together, he was an alcoholic, abusive asshole.
So anyway, I never really had any desire to go back and talk to him. I just never cared enough. But somehow, lately, since my birthday, I’ve been thinking about him. So every year, members from his family call me to wish me happy birthday and they always say things about how much he misses me etc etc. And honestly, I’m just wondering whether he actually misses me. If he does, why doesn’t he contact me. He had no custody over me or my sis and no visitation rights so he couldn’t till I was 18 but now I’m an adult. He can if he wants to. But he doesn’t.
I wonder whether he tells people about me. Does he tell people that he has two daughters? Or does he just omit us from his life when he talks? Sometimes I wonder if I ask him to pay for some stuff I need, would he? I know he has money, but would he be willing to spend it on me.
Sometimes, I want to send him a note saying “I don’t like cherries and I like plain chocolate cake” because he always sends cake which has cherries on the top.
Has he sorted out his life? Is he sober now? Does he think about me ever? Does he want to talk to me? I think I might be at a place that I’m ready to talk to him if the moment/opportunity occurred. But I don’t know. Me wanting to meet him might upset mom. I don’t know.
I don’t know. I might want to speak to him. I don’t know what about or why but I just I don’t know. I might finally be ready after 10 years.
P.S – Also like I think my biggest problem currently is that I don’t know what to call him! Dad? Father? His name? Whatttt?
I’m going back to college in 2 days and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!
I love my college! It’s pretty much home to me. I love learning, I love the people, the atmosphere, my roommate, my friends, everything!
Plus, I also get to go for therapy when I am in college! And I get to go on more adventures around the city too and I love it!
I have really interesting courses this semester. I have Early British Literature and Literary theory as my two literature courses. The professors for both these courses are amazing and I am very excited! For psych I have critical thinking in psych, stats for psych and clinical psych. I’m very excited for clinical psych but not so much for stats! But hopefully it’ll turn out okay!
Oh and I’m doing a french course this semester! It’s just a co curricular course so it won’t be very intense but I’m still looking forward to it. Hopefully, Ill remember some stuff from my previous french lessons grade 6 through 9!
Oh and our dorm rooms are slightly bigger this time even though we won’t be in the same building as our seniors but still that’s okay. I also have a very close friend from school joining my college this year so I’m very happy about that too!
The only thing is, I move in in 2 days but I haven;t even started packing!!! Tomorrow is going to be ALL about packing! I’m so excited to go sit on the bridge and meet my roommate and sit in the mess and lie on the grass after lunch and just aahhh that place is wonderful.
It’s my 19th birthday today! Can you believe it!? I’ve been alive for 19 years! That’s probably like 1/4th my life!
My sister made me a cake and I’m going to go out for dinner with the fam and that’s pretty much it. (19 is such a filler year! 18 and 20 and both milestone birthdays and poor 19 just stuck in the middle!)
So anyway, here’s me doing some thinking and introspection and writing a totally cliched list of 19 things I’ve learn at 19 –
- Home can be multiple places/people/feeling etc. It doesn’t have to be just one physical place and the concept is confusing but it’s okay. You’ll figure it out, don’t stress over it.
- Mental health comes before everything. If your mental health is suffering, everything will suffer. Take a break. Get help. It gets better (told you it’s gonna be cliched).
- Friends are important but it’s also important to pick your friends carefully. Find people you feel good around, people who are there for you even when there’s nothing in it for them. And be there for them.
- There are kind people in the world! So many of them and I promise you, you will find them.
- Friendships formed on the internet can actually be amazing.
- Put yourself out there. Do things that scare you. This is actually one of my daily goals at college. To just do one slightly scary thing. It makes you feel like you did something.
- Eat more pizza. Eat more cake. And pasta. But the gym won’t hurt once in a while either. It’s so important to stay healthy and take care of your body.
- Just like drink water!!! Water is amazing. I love water. (Sorry, I know I sound crazy!) But genuinely, keeping yourself hydrated is soo good and it makes me feel great.
- Take lots of photos. This is something I’ve learnt over this past year. Take a lot of pictures. And keep them all. Even the “bad” ones. Some day, you’ll want them.
- TRAVEL. As much as you can! It makes you (meaning me) happy! So happy!
- Don’t spent time thinking about or caring about people who don’t give a shit about you. It just hurts you in the end and it’s not worth it.
- It’s okay to be angry and upset but don’t let it poison you. Let it go. Forgiving can take time but don’t let you anger get to a point where it hurts you.
- Take out time to do the little things that matter to you. Draw, blog, whatever. It’s refresh you and you’ll be back at acing life in no time.
- Cry. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do. It’s okay. Ride it out. It’ll blow over. I promise, you’ll be okay.
- Your mom is human. Yes, she fucked up. And yes, you ended up hurt, a lot. And I’m not saying forgive and forget everything. But just try to understand that she is human too. Sh’es going through a hard time too. Be there for her (though not at the expense of your own well being).
- If the bridge feels too scary, especially when you’re alone and feeling extremely stupid, call a friend. They’ll be glad you called them, you will be too.
- Writing helps so much. Just write, okay?
- You know that excitement everyone says that they see in your eyes? Please don’t let it fade, please. It’s the only thing keeping you alive, even if you’re faking it at times.
- I love myself. Took a long time for me to get here but here I am. (To self – You are good and kind. You fuck up too but you’re learning. I love you)
Wow okay that’s it! I really stuck to my word about how this was going to be damn cliche! But yes, happy birthday to me! 🙂
Okay so this is my attempt at recounting everything that happened or I did this summer so when I read this 10 years later, I can recall stuff. Here goes –
- Slept a lot.
- Went to the gym semi-regularly.
- Did a 2 month long internship.
- Went to Shimla.
- Went to Agra.
- Went to Bangalore.
- Painted a lot and set up my art account on Instagram.
- Read books (not as many as I would have liked but still).
- Met friends from high school.
- Decided my major and minor.
- Watched movies.
- Wrote a little.
- Spent some time with my sister.
- Did a 4 course specialization on Coursera.
- Worked for my mom’s organisation and helped her with some projects.
- Translated a TED talk from English to Hindi (you can volunteer to translate videos for them!).
- Set up my LinkedIn profile.
- Read poetry.
- Started making some small jewelry.
- Did origami.
- Was patient with myself and my mental health.
- Started taking medication for my PCOS (and it’s currently fucking with my system – at least till I’m used to the meds)
- Met up with a bunch of relatives, including two of my baby cousins.
- Missed my roommate a lot!
- Started Journal-ing regularly.
- Stopped Journal-ing regularly (I promise I’ll start again).
- Planned for the next semester.
- Came out as bisexual to my sister (tho I don’t know if bisexual is the write word for me but still).
- Sold some art stuff and earned money!
- Made a huge effort to not wallow in my mental illness (it’s so easy to do that in the summer when you don’t have work).
I’m actually quite proud of myself for what I’ve done this summer. Might not be amazing stuff but it was amazing for me. It had it’s bad moments but I’m choosing to ignore them for now.
Note to self – Eat more pizza before you go back to college.
Okay so I move back to college on the 26th of August and I’m so excited!!! I’ve been waiting for this day so (im)patiently and I can’t wait! Just about 20 more days. But this month is going to be really busy and I have to sort out some stuff before I leave and so here’s my list –
- Finish the work my mom’s given me (content writing, social media stuff etc.)
- Finish my Coursera course so I don’t have to juggle it with school work once I go back.
- Meet some friends (not from college) that I haven’t met yet or haven’t met enough this summer.
- Pack for college! Organize stuff and decide what I want to take or not take.
- Finish work for the art commission I have pending.
- Decide on courses, timetable and what I want to major in!
- Spend some time with my sister.
- Read at least a couple more books.
- Turn 19! Now this isn’t something I have to do but something that’s like going to happen very soon! Like on the 23rd! And I’m kinda excited 🙂
That’s it for now but this is going to be quite a month! Just marking off day on my calendar till the 26th!
This post is probably going to be Too Much Information (TMI) but here goes anyway.
Last month, I started taking a contraceptive pill mainly cuz it also works as a medication for PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) also. So the first couple of days were fine and then the side effects started! So I started having medication for side effects too. Basically two pills a day and eventually after a really rough patch, it got okay. Now I’ve finished the first cycle of pills but my period hasn’t started yet and it’s damn annoying!
I also have to start my other medication for PCOS so eventually I’ll have to eat like 8 pills a day and I’m terrified cuz I hate swallowing pills. And my entire body system is just so fucked up with the medicines and everything right now and I’m just really cranky okay bye.
I have realized that I don’t like kids very much. But I have learned one thing from my 5 year old cousin sister who I’m spending the week with. It’s okay to ask for help. It sounds a little random but yes.
She needs water but an’t reach the bottle, she’ll ask me to help. If she can’t switch on something or whatever, she doesn’t hesitate to ask for help!
I know that the things we need help with as we grow older are different and more serious (though to the 5 year old, I’m sure getting water is serious business too!), but it’s still okay. Nowadays we are so often taught that we have to do EVERYTHING on our own! I mean doing things on your own is good, it’s great to be independent but it’s also okay to ask for help when you need it.
Personally, sometimes I find it hard to deal with stuff on my own. Sometimes my mental health doesn’t allow me to do everything on my own. A few times I’ve even had to ask my roommate to get me food because I haven’t been able to do it myself (and she’s done it happily!) and it’s okay.
So basically, my learning from this is it’s okay to ask for help. When you’re having a panic attack and can’t deal yourself, call a friend. If you ask someone to do something for you or help you with something, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. However, you gotta be there to help others too.
Note to self – Stop feeling so guilty about asking for help.
Learning, still learning all this myself.
It’s unbelievable how many of us shared the same background music at some point in our lives. Screaming our hearts out to songs like ‘numb’ and ‘leave out all the rest’.
Chester Bennington, Linkin Park singer, died yesterday at the age of 41. And honestly, I feel irrationally sad about it. I almost can’t believe it! Linkin park was such a huge part of my early teen years, it’s hard to imagine a band member dying.
Somehow, everyone I know had a Linkin park phase at some point. One of my cousins and I never used to get along too much but Linkin park was one of the things we bonded over. Linkin Park was my go-to when I wanted to shut out the world for a bit. Just a week or two back, I was reminiscing and listening to their song ‘numb’ again and laughing about how I felt I could relate even when I was like 13.
The fact that his death was a suicide makes it so much harder to accept for some reason. Okay I really don’t have much to say beyond this right now but I know that I do want to spend some time listening to my old Linkin Park favorites.