It’s unbelievable how many of us shared the same background music at some point in our lives. Screaming our hearts out to songs like ‘numb’ and ‘leave out all the rest’.
Chester Bennington, Linkin Park singer, died yesterday at the age of 41. And honestly, I feel irrationally sad about it. I almost can’t believe it! Linkin park was such a huge part of my early teen years, it’s hard to imagine a band member dying.
Somehow, everyone I know had a Linkin park phase at some point. One of my cousins and I never used to get along too much but Linkin park was one of the things we bonded over. Linkin Park was my go-to when I wanted to shut out the world for a bit. Just a week or two back, I was reminiscing and listening to their song ‘numb’ again and laughing about how I felt I could relate even when I was like 13.
The fact that his death was a suicide makes it so much harder to accept for some reason. Okay I really don’t have much to say beyond this right now but I know that I do want to spend some time listening to my old Linkin Park favorites.
you had your own life long before I came
and i know there’ll be others after I leave.
many others, i suppose, to make you forget i was there
but for a while, just for a little while
you were mine to call home
i know that you have your own life
and i barely left a mark (except that spot, do you remember?
it’s meant to be a secret you see)
but the warmth you gave me
the assurance that you’re there
the address that i could give people
when they asked where home was
i buried secrets in hidden corners of you
secrets I couldn’t bare to deal with but I knew you’d keep
empty alcohol bottles I know I wont forget
nights and days and nights when you kept me company
as i tried to hide from the world
I knew i could always come home to you
i’m almost a little angry at you, you see
after a year together, you decide its over?
(i’m sorry i know it’s not a choice you made)
but wait, somehow anger doesn’t feel like the right word
or even the right emotion?
lonely, happy, sad, elated, confused, you saw it all
how can i just reduce it to anger
i think nostalgia fits a little better
i miss what was my home for a year,
but I guess it’s time to move on?
I’m not ready
Okay I know this is going to sound really weird but this is actually about my freshman dorm room. It’s the only place that felt like home and comfortable this past year and I don’t know, I just started thinking and this came pouring out.
I EARNED MONEY BY SELLING MY ART FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Okay so I made an Instagram account to try and get some money through selling some art stuff. And so I got my first job which was to make a painting of this person’s cat! It was such a cute cat (even though I usually don’t particularly like cats) and I’m getting paid 60$ for it!!! In Indian currency, thats a lot of money!
And honestly, it feels so good and I feel incredibly validated rn haha~
I have one more commission and I’ve started work on it so maybe I’ll get that done soon too. Let’s see how it goes. This is so exciting for me because I’m finally actually doing major art stuff and it feels kind of nice.
Also, here’s my art insta if anyone wants to see! (sorry, self promo :P)
So like June, I’ve decided to make a list of July goals! I love pretending to be this person who is so sorted and has monthly goals and ahh I feel very cool so here goes –
- Paint a lot!!! Finish at least 3 projects and start on something with the paper cups I collected.
- Bangalore Trip! Try to meet my history prof and chill with the fam.
- Read at least three books.
- Watch at least 3-4 movies I’ve been planning to watch for very long.
- Write more.
- GO TO THE GYM.
- Be regular with medication.
- Keep journalling.
- Meet friends – GS, Div and Adi and maybe Pai.
- Do something I find challenging.
Okay so this is it for July I guess. It’s a pretty chill month and I’m quite excited!!! And to be honest, I’ve done a bunch of stuff already. Watched two movies, spend a week travelling with fam and reading a little bit.
Blue says say thank you instead of sorry which makes sense because gratitude is better than guilt but they both start with G so maybe I get confused because all I seem to be able to say is sorry sorry sorry.
Even when I can’t breathe and I can’t talk the only think I seem to be able to say is sorry it almost feels like guilt is my default it’s always my fault that’s what I’ve learnt all my life my mom can’t be wrong about this.
Spent many years not talking but when I did start talking somehow it always felt like I should sit up like no one wants to hear the shit you say like no one cares so sorry if I’m bothering you sorry I talk too much sorry I got excited sorry.
Somehow I still keep apologising for things that happened in April and it’s been three months but the guilt refuses to leave so I text in the middle of the night and say sorry but then I feel the need for saying sorry for saying sorry and you see this could go on forever.
“Don’t say sorry” Oh okay sorry!
I have been making plans. About posts I want to write. Posts about trips I went on, things I did, movies I watched, books I read. But somehow I can’t get myself to write. So I ignore writing completely.
I’ve been painting a little bit. I like it. I’m trying new stuff. I’m failing but I’m also learning. I think I’m okay with not getting the results I want with my paints because I’m always creating something. Something is better than nothing.
People ask me how I am. I don’t know how to answer.
I want to be the kind of person who casually says stuff like “Hope the weather is treating you nice” and “more grieving together, crying together, laughing together. more trips to the forest”.
It astounds me how much I am like my father. I don’t want to be. My mother hates it.
I will stop talking. I will not say anything no matter how much it bothers me. I cannot deal with the things my mother says in return.
Starbucks is so fucking overpriced, I need to stop spending money.
Some things just need to be thrown away. Don’t store things thinking of memories which you know ill hurt you later. But maybe don’t throw them away completely, just put them away?
Trust you instincts. When you feel that there’s something off about the way she talks to you and treats you, listen to yourself. Be careful. Trust yourself, you’re the only one who will take care of you. Something is off about this situation, please be careful and don’t get you heart broken. It’s not worth it.
You are doing okay. You’re learning to do it all on your own. You’re dealing. It’s okay to fuck up (just don’t tell her?).
It’s a weird feeling. The feeling when you know it’s over and you’re ready to move on. I mean like sometimes you have friends who are still in your life and you’re glad they are, but they’re not your everything. Like if they were to hate you, you could easily get yourself to not care.
So for me, I get very attached to friends. So I had a bunch of poetry up on my table written by friends from school and I refused to take it down. Today tho, I was cleaning my table and cupboard and I had no issue with taking them down. That’s when I realised I’d moved on. It was a such a great feeling cuz that means I will never do anything for their aproval again. I really am over high school.
Usually when these people come into town, I really want to meet them. But this summer, I couldn’t care less. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to meet, but I won’t force it. I’ll make plans and if it works out, great! If it doesn’t, okay. I mean if it doesn’t that would probably mean that our friendship is pretty much fading but idk what’s meant to be will be.
I’m just in a very que sera, sera mood right now.
So I came out as bi to my sister today! It was totally unplanned and I don’t even know how I did this!?
So me, my sis, and a friend of mine had gone out to hang out and get some food and stuff. My sis knew that I had a thing for someone but she assumed it was a boy and so I didn’t say anything. Today somehow I decided to tell her.
I legit came out to my sis sitting in McDonalds!? So my sis asks me about my crush as to whether he’s hot. So I just told her it’s not a boy. She just smiles and then she said go on but like I couldn’t talk for like a minute. (It was actually only an almost non noticeable second but it felt longer in my head.) And so I then said it’s a girl. Then I told her to guess who it was and she did. Then she asked me if I’m bi and I said yes. I usually don’t say I’m bi cuz I don’t like the label but I think it’s okay now.
Then she asked whether I plan to tell mom and I said no. And then she asked why I didn’t tell her earlier to which I said that I saw no reason to. I told her that if you didn’t come and tell me you were straight then why should I have to.
So that was pretty much it, she took it pretty well!
Only one question which annoyed me a little was that she asked whether I thought I was bi because I’m so into LGBT activism and idk. So I told her no and it annoyed me but I get that she’s still learning so it’s okay. I know she’s gonna ask more questions later but that’s okay, I’ll have to answer them now that I’ve started this!
So one person from my entire family officially knows!!! Wow Idk what came over me today but this is good I guess. It’s progress 🙂
Guilt feels like calling her because I really need to be around her when I feel like I can’t breathe.
Guilt tastes like chocolate and noodles that she made for me that night.
Guilt sounds like I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry God, I’m sorry for being such a fuck up.
Sorry for terrible writing. Was trying to write about guilt, got distracted and then this^ happened so anyway this is it.
There is a lot of anger and resentment and excitement and sadness and love and emotion in me but I am unable to express it. I am unable to write about it. I’m unable to write about love and it’s killing me. Nothing I write seems worth writing and I am tired. I need to write like I used to. More raw, more honest.
I think I’m just scared that if I start being honest, I’ll realize I’m more fucked up than I thought and writing things will just make them real. I need to write though. I need to write. And goddammit I need to write about her and how into her I am but I fucking can’t cuz everything seems not enough but at the same time I want to write about anything but her and I can’t handle this.
Maybe I need a break?