I can never find the right words.
Happy doesn’t feel big enough but ecstatic doesn’t feel right either?
And sad always gets caught in my throat and comes out weird instead.
So I’ve decided to give words my own meanings now.
I’ve been using sunshine instead of happy for a while now.
And jelly instead of nervous.
Bad instead of sad, but this one I have to change (sad isn’t always bad na).
I sometimes use the word fog instead of depression and I think that’s very accurate.
Rainbow is almost synonymous to gay for me.
I like the word smoll spelled like that (probably cuz a certain person uses it a lot).
I have a new crush.
But the thing is, crush isn’t the right word. It’s too small. It’s too ugh what’s the word?(childish? but that’s not the right word!)
Okay I have to go study. Another word for finals = death.
A few days back, we rescued a really sick puppy from the streets near my college. We got special permission and brought her into the smoking room area and tried to bring her food and medicines and everything we could think of but she wasn’t getting better. We called a vet but because our college is in a slightly remote location, he said he could only make it the next morning at like 6am.
So we decided that we couldn’t leave the puppy out in the cold so we put her in our bag, wrapped it with a shawl and sneaked her into our dorm room. Next morning, the doctor came and gave her shots saying it was probably tic fever. However, she kept getting worse and started having seizures. She was having seizures every 5-6 minutes and so in the middle of the night, some of us took her to the vet. I couldn’t go but my friends took her and I sat with my friends on campus waiting for news. Around 2am we heard back saying that she could have possibly had rabies and had to be put down. I legit started crying cuz that little baby was one month old. She didn’t even get a chance at life. My only consolation is that her last few days were as comfortable as we could make them.
Next morning, she was buried and life moved on. However, soon after, panic ensued. We all had to get rabies shots! Which means getting like 7 injections each so all of us flocked to the infirmary, there were some 10 of us there. Finally an expert came and said that I didn’t need them as she didn’t bite or nick me. However, some of my friends had to get them. We weren’t even sure that it was rabies but we had to take precautions.
That little puppy was only with us for 3 days but I loved her and I miss her every time I go to the smoking room and see the little enclosure we made for her. RIP baby.
Someone showed me a video of an eight year old girl dancing brilliantly and said, “All I did at 8 was watch SpongeBob” and I wanted to say “same”. I really did. But when I really think about it, I don’t think I ever watched SpongeBob. Especially not at 8. At 8 I was busy playing Dodge-ball with my father. Except that he was the one I was dodging.
There’s a weird sort of solidarity during mid terms or finals week. Promising to wake people up in the morning by going to their rooms even though you aren’t super close. Studying together and in the process making friends you can smile at from across the room during the exam. Borrowing lighters and coffee in the middle of the night. Nudging the girl on the table next to you cuz she fell asleep while reading. Taking short naps in the quiet zone and asking friends and strangers alike to wake you up in 15 mins. Sharing pancakes and Maggi when we take “break” from studying. Constantly telling each other to get off our phones and study. Cribbing about how much work we have. These tiny things help us survive exam week.
(I’m almost done! Just one paper and one exam to gooo!)
So in college, we have a peer mentorship program. The third and fourth years are the mentors and the first and second years are the mentees. And so I decided to sign up for this program and I LOVE my mentor!
She and I were sort of friends from before too and she’s just the sweetest! I’m so lucky to have got her. So on our first meeting, I took her to the bridge (which is my fave spot on campus) and we chilled there for a bit and got to know each other better and she’s just the sweetest.
We talked about life, mental health, relationships, interest all of that! Last year, everyone knew I was going through a really bad mental health time and I’m found better this sem so she was saying how she’s so happy to see me do better and how worried she was last sem. And she told me that she went to therapy over the summer too to sort herself out a little bit. She’s super fun, she’s a dancer and she loves to go to gym. She plays football too! I know that this posts seems like it’s written by a little kid but I just ugh I appreciate her so much and that’s all there is to this post 🙂
Also, the other day, I had a really bad mental health moment in front of her and I felt so bad and I thought she would hate me and think of me as a burden and hard to deal with and idek I was worried. But then, she messaged me again today, very sweetly and it was great and she doesn’t hate me and I’m so relieved and she’s such a nice person aaah!!!
- Sitting on the bridge and staring at the stars with you was one of my favourite things to do but the stars are too far away and now so are you so I guess I’ll have to make do with the paper stars that I put in a jar so I can reach out and touch them whenever I need.
- Tea and a cigarette on a breezy morning with Paul Anka playing in the background could make me happy in a minute but now they just remind me of your smell mixed with cigarette smoke and sweat and I’d rather shut the window when it’s breezy out and I’d rather sleep in than think of you.
- I have a new deodorant now because the old one just reminds me of how much you liked it and how when we spend afternoons in bed, our scents would mix together and make a new fragrance unto itself but now I can’t even bare to use my old deodorant.
- I remember sitting on your bed, tucked under a blanket, smoking a joint and not talking about anything consequential and gosh I would give anything to go back to that night in 102 when we spent hours talking about toothpaste and crickets and the right kind of green.
- Do you remember that night when we were sitting in your room drinking alcohol mixed with coke from plastic bottles, laughing away at silly things and serous things and not caring about anything going on beyond those four walls?
- You’re not around to make fun of me for wearing t shirts of only solid colours and so I wear them as often as you can and hope that you notice and I know I saw you smile the other day when I wore one and I smiled too.
- You’ve moved on and I’m busy making new friends too and I feel like it’s time to move on na? Have you moved on already?
- I loved showing you notes and things I’d written in my notebook and I loved that you wrote in it too but now I can’t deal with looking at your handwriting all over my it and so I think it’s time to buy a new notebook.
- I’ve always loved hugs from people I love but your hugs made me feel like I was safe and at home but home is never going to be you and so I learned to hold myself up and I’m okay.
- I’m learning something new everyday now like today I learned to listen to your favourite song without crying and tomorrow I’m going to learn to walk past you without being bothered.
Okay so I know this is shitty, I was writing in a hurry. But I plan to eventually at some point use all 10 of these individually as prompts for writing other stuff. Right now they are all just about this one person who I’m not supposed to think about. Also, the words in italics were my prompt for writing this. So basically, in poetry club, we were supposed to make a list of ten things that made us happy/sad/angry/scared. One girl write these 10 things which are in italics as her things that make her happy. I was supposed to write a poem using them but I didn’t have time then so I just wrote this instead.
It’s been raining all day today. I woke up at 1pm and looked out the window and realized it was raining.
I got up and decided that I wanted to go off campus and spend the day in the city and so I immediately bathed and got dressed and headed out. As soon as I reached the place from where I take the shuttle to the city, I realized it was raining too much and I had a small fight with my mom and I was really upset and decided to not go out after all.
So I went up to the fifth floor and was sitting on the stairs, reading and listening to music and was in a weird mood. Suddenly, it started raining even more and I decided to head back to my room. I put my earphones in, put everything in my bag (which is, thankfully, waterproof) and started walking. And I got completely drenched. And I LOVED IT!!!!
It made me feel like a kid again. I was smiling so much and it felt so good and my clothes and hair were all wet but I didn’t care, I was just having fun! It reminded me of the days when me and my sister used to play in almost knee high water. And of rainy Sunday mornings when my friends and I used to play in the water near the swings in the park. And learning to make paper boats from my dadu so I could float them in the puddles.
It’s been a bittersweet day. Rain always gives me mixed feelings.
Except in that one drunk text, I’ve never actually told you that I miss you. And even in that one text, I hid it behind a bunch of other words. It’s really scary, you know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever actually tell you but I miss you so much all the time.
You’re around but you aren’t around and I don’t feel important enough and you don’t miss me and that hurts but I can’t change that. I think everyone has priorities and people let you know what their priorities are even if they don’t actually say it. And it’s become clear enough that I’m not a priority and I’m just trying to wrap my head around that.
I’m going to not text you anymore. And in return, I need you to not give me hope when I fuck up and do text you. Cuz each time you reply with enthusiasm, it gives me hope of something that isn’t real. So here’s what I’m going to do –
- Not text you.
- Try to avoid you a little bit.
- Call anyone but you.
- No bridge chill times.
I just really need to get over you now and distance will help.
But for now, I really miss you.
On one side, the drains are overflowing because of the rains and it almost looks like a flood. Up on the other side, I stand with my earphones in listening to some peppy Hindi song. I knew just where to stop and stand when I saw faces that looked very Ashokan. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know. I look around and there are four of us here excluding the guard Bhaiya. All of us, somewhat impatiently waiting for the shuttle. All of our ears plugged. I worry about whether my music is playing too lour and other people can hear and judge. And then I realise, no one can probably hear it. Their earphones are on too. A kind man in the metro tried to help me figure out where I was king when I got on to the metro but I missed half of what he was saying cuz I had my earphones in. Got out of the metro just in time, slightly confused about what had just happened. I’m a well seasoned metro traveller, how did I fuck up.
You see I was just dreaming about the thukpa and momos and Tibetan bread I had for under 200 rupees having already forgotten the tears that the spicy fenni brought to my eyes. I think the hot chocolate took care of that too.
Somehow it felt like I wasn’t even in delhi. Tiny streets lined with shops and restaurants boasting a menu of Tibetan and Korean and Chinese food. Old women sitting next to the fenni shop near the temple making me smile. Oh and that dog curled up in the corner trying to avoid the rain.
So it was my birthday recently. And every year on my birthday, I get a card/flowers/cake from my dad. Earlier it used to be just a card but in the more recent years it’s usually been a flowers and a card or flowers and a cake. Sometimes all three!
For background – I haven’t met my dad in 10+ years. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom and back when they were together, he was an alcoholic, abusive asshole.
So anyway, I never really had any desire to go back and talk to him. I just never cared enough. But somehow, lately, since my birthday, I’ve been thinking about him. So every year, members from his family call me to wish me happy birthday and they always say things about how much he misses me etc etc. And honestly, I’m just wondering whether he actually misses me. If he does, why doesn’t he contact me. He had no custody over me or my sis and no visitation rights so he couldn’t till I was 18 but now I’m an adult. He can if he wants to. But he doesn’t.
I wonder whether he tells people about me. Does he tell people that he has two daughters? Or does he just omit us from his life when he talks? Sometimes I wonder if I ask him to pay for some stuff I need, would he? I know he has money, but would he be willing to spend it on me.
Sometimes, I want to send him a note saying “I don’t like cherries and I like plain chocolate cake” because he always sends cake which has cherries on the top.
Has he sorted out his life? Is he sober now? Does he think about me ever? Does he want to talk to me? I think I might be at a place that I’m ready to talk to him if the moment/opportunity occurred. But I don’t know. Me wanting to meet him might upset mom. I don’t know.
I don’t know. I might want to speak to him. I don’t know what about or why but I just I don’t know. I might finally be ready after 10 years.
P.S – Also like I think my biggest problem currently is that I don’t know what to call him! Dad? Father? His name? Whatttt?