So I said a while back that I was going to start blogging again. It took longer than I thought, but I’m finally actually back. With a list of my summer plans/goals –
- Meet ALL my old friends!
- Go to Estonia and Finland. (If you have any suggestions/tips, please share!)
- READ at least 5 books. (Recommendations?)
- Make at least 5 portraits.
- Go to Mumbai?
- Write and blog.
- Relax and plan for next semester.
Now I know that doesn’t seem like much but I really want to take it easy this summer and write a lot and stuff.
I took a very long and unexpected break from this blog and I’m finally back!
I think I needed the time away from it and it did me good and I have a fresh take on things now. I have a lot of things to post and write about and put up some updates. I’ll get to all of that very soon hopefully!
I also wrote some poetry stuff recently so I’ll be posting that soon too.
Okay gonna crash for now and hopefully will catch up on all the posts in my reader soon enough too 🙂
I can never find the right words.
Happy doesn’t feel big enough but ecstatic doesn’t feel right either?
And sad always gets caught in my throat and comes out weird instead.
So I’ve decided to give words my own meanings now.
I’ve been using sunshine instead of happy for a while now.
And jelly instead of nervous.
Bad instead of sad, but this one I have to change (sad isn’t always bad na).
I sometimes use the word fog instead of depression and I think that’s very accurate.
Rainbow is almost synonymous to gay for me.
I like the word smoll spelled like that (probably cuz a certain person uses it a lot).
I have a new crush.
But the thing is, crush isn’t the right word. It’s too small. It’s too ugh what’s the word?(childish? but that’s not the right word!)
Okay I have to go study. Another word for finals = death.
A few days back, we rescued a really sick puppy from the streets near my college. We got special permission and brought her into the smoking room area and tried to bring her food and medicines and everything we could think of but she wasn’t getting better. We called a vet but because our college is in a slightly remote location, he said he could only make it the next morning at like 6am.
So we decided that we couldn’t leave the puppy out in the cold so we put her in our bag, wrapped it with a shawl and sneaked her into our dorm room. Next morning, the doctor came and gave her shots saying it was probably tic fever. However, she kept getting worse and started having seizures. She was having seizures every 5-6 minutes and so in the middle of the night, some of us took her to the vet. I couldn’t go but my friends took her and I sat with my friends on campus waiting for news. Around 2am we heard back saying that she could have possibly had rabies and had to be put down. I legit started crying cuz that little baby was one month old. She didn’t even get a chance at life. My only consolation is that her last few days were as comfortable as we could make them.
Next morning, she was buried and life moved on. However, soon after, panic ensued. We all had to get rabies shots! Which means getting like 7 injections each so all of us flocked to the infirmary, there were some 10 of us there. Finally an expert came and said that I didn’t need them as she didn’t bite or nick me. However, some of my friends had to get them. We weren’t even sure that it was rabies but we had to take precautions.
That little puppy was only with us for 3 days but I loved her and I miss her every time I go to the smoking room and see the little enclosure we made for her. RIP baby.
Someone showed me a video of an eight year old girl dancing brilliantly and said, “All I did at 8 was watch SpongeBob” and I wanted to say “same”. I really did. But when I really think about it, I don’t think I ever watched SpongeBob. Especially not at 8. At 8 I was busy playing Dodge-ball with my father. Except that he was the one I was dodging.
There’s a weird sort of solidarity during mid terms or finals week. Promising to wake people up in the morning by going to their rooms even though you aren’t super close. Studying together and in the process making friends you can smile at from across the room during the exam. Borrowing lighters and coffee in the middle of the night. Nudging the girl on the table next to you cuz she fell asleep while reading. Taking short naps in the quiet zone and asking friends and strangers alike to wake you up in 15 mins. Sharing pancakes and Maggi when we take “break” from studying. Constantly telling each other to get off our phones and study. Cribbing about how much work we have. These tiny things help us survive exam week.
(I’m almost done! Just one paper and one exam to gooo!)
So in college, we have a peer mentorship program. The third and fourth years are the mentors and the first and second years are the mentees. And so I decided to sign up for this program and I LOVE my mentor!
She and I were sort of friends from before too and she’s just the sweetest! I’m so lucky to have got her. So on our first meeting, I took her to the bridge (which is my fave spot on campus) and we chilled there for a bit and got to know each other better and she’s just the sweetest.
We talked about life, mental health, relationships, interest all of that! Last year, everyone knew I was going through a really bad mental health time and I’m found better this sem so she was saying how she’s so happy to see me do better and how worried she was last sem. And she told me that she went to therapy over the summer too to sort herself out a little bit. She’s super fun, she’s a dancer and she loves to go to gym. She plays football too! I know that this posts seems like it’s written by a little kid but I just ugh I appreciate her so much and that’s all there is to this post 🙂
Also, the other day, I had a really bad mental health moment in front of her and I felt so bad and I thought she would hate me and think of me as a burden and hard to deal with and idek I was worried. But then, she messaged me again today, very sweetly and it was great and she doesn’t hate me and I’m so relieved and she’s such a nice person aaah!!!
It’s been raining all day today. I woke up at 1pm and looked out the window and realized it was raining.
I got up and decided that I wanted to go off campus and spend the day in the city and so I immediately bathed and got dressed and headed out. As soon as I reached the place from where I take the shuttle to the city, I realized it was raining too much and I had a small fight with my mom and I was really upset and decided to not go out after all.
So I went up to the fifth floor and was sitting on the stairs, reading and listening to music and was in a weird mood. Suddenly, it started raining even more and I decided to head back to my room. I put my earphones in, put everything in my bag (which is, thankfully, waterproof) and started walking. And I got completely drenched. And I LOVED IT!!!!
It made me feel like a kid again. I was smiling so much and it felt so good and my clothes and hair were all wet but I didn’t care, I was just having fun! It reminded me of the days when me and my sister used to play in almost knee high water. And of rainy Sunday mornings when my friends and I used to play in the water near the swings in the park. And learning to make paper boats from my dadu so I could float them in the puddles.
It’s been a bittersweet day. Rain always gives me mixed feelings.
Except in that one drunk text, I’ve never actually told you that I miss you. And even in that one text, I hid it behind a bunch of other words. It’s really scary, you know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever actually tell you but I miss you so much all the time.
You’re around but you aren’t around and I don’t feel important enough and you don’t miss me and that hurts but I can’t change that. I think everyone has priorities and people let you know what their priorities are even if they don’t actually say it. And it’s become clear enough that I’m not a priority and I’m just trying to wrap my head around that.
I’m going to not text you anymore. And in return, I need you to not give me hope when I fuck up and do text you. Cuz each time you reply with enthusiasm, it gives me hope of something that isn’t real. So here’s what I’m going to do –
- Not text you.
- Try to avoid you a little bit.
- Call anyone but you.
- No bridge chill times.
I just really need to get over you now and distance will help.
But for now, I really miss you.
On one side, the drains are overflowing because of the rains and it almost looks like a flood. Up on the other side, I stand with my earphones in listening to some peppy Hindi song. I knew just where to stop and stand when I saw faces that looked very Ashokan. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know. I look around and there are four of us here excluding the guard Bhaiya. All of us, somewhat impatiently waiting for the shuttle. All of our ears plugged. I worry about whether my music is playing too lour and other people can hear and judge. And then I realise, no one can probably hear it. Their earphones are on too. A kind man in the metro tried to help me figure out where I was king when I got on to the metro but I missed half of what he was saying cuz I had my earphones in. Got out of the metro just in time, slightly confused about what had just happened. I’m a well seasoned metro traveller, how did I fuck up.
You see I was just dreaming about the thukpa and momos and Tibetan bread I had for under 200 rupees having already forgotten the tears that the spicy fenni brought to my eyes. I think the hot chocolate took care of that too.
Somehow it felt like I wasn’t even in delhi. Tiny streets lined with shops and restaurants boasting a menu of Tibetan and Korean and Chinese food. Old women sitting next to the fenni shop near the temple making me smile. Oh and that dog curled up in the corner trying to avoid the rain.