Coming out!?

So I came out as bi to my sister today! It was totally unplanned and I don’t even know how I did this!?

So me, my sis, and a friend of mine had gone out to hang out and get some food and stuff. My sis knew that I had a thing for someone but she assumed it was a boy and so I didn’t say anything. Today somehow I decided to tell her.

I legit came out to my sis sitting in McDonalds!? So my sis asks me about my crush as to whether he’s hot. So I just told her it’s not a boy. She just smiles and then she said go on but like I couldn’t talk for like a minute. (It was actually only an almost non noticeable second but it felt longer in my head.) And so I then said it’s a girl. Then I told her to guess who it was and she did. Then she asked me if I’m bi and I said yes. I usually don’t say I’m bi cuz I don’t like the label but I think it’s okay now.

Then she asked whether I plan to tell mom and I said no. And then she asked why I didn’t tell her earlier to which I said that I saw no reason to. I told her that if  you didn’t come and tell me you were straight then why should I have to.

So that was pretty much it, she took it pretty well!

Only one question which annoyed me a little was that she asked whether I thought I was bi because I’m so into LGBT activism and idk. So I told her no and it annoyed me but I get that she’s still learning so it’s okay. I know she’s gonna ask more questions later but that’s okay, I’ll have to answer them now that I’ve started this!

So one person from my entire family officially knows!!! Wow Idk what came over me today but this is good I guess. It’s progress 🙂

Homophobia!??

(For the course of this post, I’m going to refer to my college as AU)

So at AU, things like not being straight or whatever is no big deal at all. Like I really don’t have to worry about homophobia. In fact, sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble, don’t have to care about what I wear or how “revealing” my clothes are or what my sexuality is!

But I also forget that the entire world isn’t like that! So I started doing my internship at this company a couple of weeks back and it’s going okay but one thing that really bothers me is the casual homophobia in little things.

On my first or second day, during lunch, I was sitting with some colleagues who were talking about random stuff and one guy was telling a story about how their college seniors used to bully the juniors and how they used to bully this one guy who was gay. And honestly, I didn’t know how to react. And then today, I don’t know what the conversation was but somehow this actor came up who is rumored to be gay and then suddenly all the voices got hushed and someone was telling a story and idk it was just bad. And like I can’t really do anything about it but I just don’t know how to deal?

Like I know I can’t say anything cuz it’s not safe enough to. I guess these little things make me think twice (and thrice and more than that!??) about whether I should come out to people outside of my school and college friends. Like idk how family and outsiders will react. And honestly, I don’t give a fuck about outsiders but I do think that my extended family won’t take it well which will be bad for my family cuz ew family conflicts. In fact I don’t even know how my mom will react!? I know my sis will be cool with it though so that’s good.

Anyway, that’s it. Just something I was thinking about. Oh and also Happy Pride Month!!! 🙂

Pride 2016

I went for my first ever Queer pride parade this Sunday and it was amazing. I’ve never seen something like that.

So many happy, not straight/cis people coming together to celebrate, laugh, have fun but also to demand equality and justice! Music, dance, rainbows, balloons, colour, hearts, masks, makeup. It was just so happy. I felt like I belonged.

The day started with me and my friend reaching the spot and meeting a few people. Then I got a mask cuz I didn’t want people knowing who I was. Post that we got balloons and flags and buttons and it was so much fun. A lot of people from my college were there so we formed a little group and hung out together. Screaming, laughing, singing and dancing. There was a huge rainbow flag and we danced under it and we screamed slogans and ‘freedom’ and it was amazing. I couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t think I can do justice to the events of that day by just writing about it so I’m putting up some pictures here! 

 

                                                                                       
   

After the parade ended, we all went to get some food which was a lot of fun too and then headed back. Basically I was out from 11am to like 8 30 pm.

Probably the only bad things about the day were that I had a mini panic attack and someone asked me about the scars on my arms. Besides that, the day was amazing! I was quite happy tbh! 🙂

LGBT Representation

I came across a book about a love story between two bi girls and it’s an Indian book and I am so excited to read it!!! I ordered it online but somehow the order didn’t go through properly but I’m ordering it again tonight and I cannot wait for it to come! I’m obviously getting it delivered directly to college because I can’t bring it home but I’m so excited. Okay well tbh I don’t know how good the book/writing is going to be but I don’t care cuz it’s an Indian book with LGBT representation!!!! It’s called Love bi the way and yeah I know it’s a cheesy title but I’m trying not to judge!

Also, there is this Indian web series about a love story between two girls that I had heard about long back but I never ended up watching. I was talking to Rain today and she said that it was nice so I started watching and it’s so cute! I’ve watched all 8 episodes that have been released already and I can’t wait for the next episode. It’s called The other love story. While I do think it could have been better, I still think that any representation is better than none!

At the same it sucks that we have to accept crappy representation but right now I don’t have a choice so  I’m okay with this! The thing is, you read a book or you watch a movie and you somehow relate to the characters and it just makes you feel better. That’s literally it. That’s the importance of representation and I don’t think that that’s asking for too much.

Oh and if you haven’t seen Blue is the warmest colour then you NEED to! It’s a gorgeous French film about a love story between two girls and it breaks your heart but also mends it and ahh it’s beautiful. It’s one of my favorite films ever! Oh warning tho, it has some amount of explicit content so basically NSFW. But anyway, it’s amazing. Please watch. And if you know French then I’m sure it’ll be nicer for you but if not, watching with English subtitles like I did is cool too! 🙂

Privilege

I just realized something. I am a very privileged member of the LGBT+ community. Don’t get me wrong, homosexuality is still kinda illegal here but I’m talking about just within the LGBT community.

I come from an upper middle class family and could afford to go to an international school. Because of that, I came across people who were more accepting. I have access to the internet from where I can learn various LGBT related things. I have ways such as social media to get my voice heard and all of this is amazing.

But it makes me think of people who aren’t as privileged as me. There are so many homeless people, poverty stricken people in our country. I can’t help but feel like being LGBT would be more difficult for them. I’m not saying this in a pitying way, but Idk, I guess I’m just acknowledging the privilege I have.

I really don’t have much to say here, I’m still trying to understand this better but I really recommend reading this article here that got me thinking.

Pride//Identity

So apparently, it’s pride month!!! At least as far as I know it’s celebrated in the U.S., Idk where else tho.

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And that’s the pride month calender!!!

So yesterday, I was super excited about this and I decided that I wanted to celebrate a few! I sent it to my friend and I told her how I wanted to celebrate some of these and she said that she doesn’t know what most of them mean and asked me to explain and so I explained all of them!

I also told her how I really wanted to celebrate and I wanted to make a rainbow cake and right a few lgbt related posts and also make those loom band thingys in pride flag colours! I made one a while back when I identified as bisexual so that I could show my pride subtly even at home!

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So anyway, after explaining all the various sexualities and genders to her, I think I kinda figured out where I belong! So I think I identify as biromantic, homosexual and I use the term gay as I think it fits me best. I also identify as demisexual I think and also polyamorous! Idk if that’s too much but I feel like all of that describes how I feel.

Anyway, I’m glad I at least feel like I figured out how I identify and for me pride doesn’t have to celebrated in a huge way, I can just do it in a tiny, subtle way I guess. But I really do want to celebrate it someday on a big scale and I wanna have people to celebrate it with! But till then, it’s okay, I’ll do what I can do! 🙂

Being, well, not straight(?)

Okay so the tittle of this post is kinda weird. For more than one reason. Firstly, I don’t know how I identify exactly so initially I was gonna write gay or lesbian then I thought that I should write LGBT but then nothing fit so I wrote not straight. And secondly, I don’t really like the word straight cuz it somehow implies that people who are lgbt are not straight and somehow like idk twisted or messed up idk. But like for the purpose of this post I’ll refer to myself as being gay cuz I think that fits me best and I’m most comfortable with that right now. Anyway, moving on.

So honestly, I’ll never say this again cuz I like to be proud of myself for who I am but I have to say this once. I hate not being straight sometimes. I hate it so much. And I also hate that I hate it. Cuz like it would be so much easier to be straight. Less complications and difficulties when it comes to this part of their lives. I mean like I hate having to come out to anyone. I hate that homosexuality is kinda illegal in my country. And like idk I’m just ranting.

Tbh, I comparatively had it easy in terms of coming out cuz most of my friends were very accepting and I didn’t even have to come out to everyone as it automatically just spread through my grade through rumors and shit. But like if I had to come out in my old school, it would have been a whole other story and it wouldn’t have been easy.

And like idk you know how all my friends talk about guys and so I just feel slightly weird if I want to talk about girls. Then they say yeah but you can’t relate or something weird idk. and like when my friends talk about guys and be like oh that guy is so hot and I just laugh and say yeah. And I’m scared to actually be really friendly with people I’m not very close to cuz I don’t want them to feel strange when and if I do come out to them idk.

And like I see all these straight couple shows on tv and omg there are literally so many of them but hardly any shows with a story-line that revolves around lgbt characters and I hate that cuz I really just wanna see a cute lesbian love story and relate to that or whatever.

Idk I just sometimes wish I was straight. ugh. I shouldn’t wish that and I usually don’t but like I do sometimes and I get really frustrated when I do cuz like I don’t want to feel like this. Anyway, I should stop now cuz this post is really shitty and badly edited ugh but I can’t be bothered to edit right now, sorry.

LGBT Representation on TV

Sometimes I find myself wanting that ideal life shown on tv, a husband, kinds the whole thing. And that’s so strange cuz I don’t even like guys! Then I kinda realized that it’s not about wanting a husband but more about the whole concept of it cuz that;s the “perfect life”.

I maybe want to get married someday to a woman I love but whenever I think of marriage the whole idea of a husband is what comes to me! I guess it’s partially because that’s what’s been taught and shown to us since a young age.

I mean how many shows or movies do we see where there are LGBT couples living normal lives like we see heterosexual couples living. And yes, I agree that the amount of representation has increased in the past few years but it’s hardly enough! It’s so important to have representation cuz it gives us something to relate to and makes us feel accepted.

And while LGBT representation has increased I still feel like we are shown in very stereotypical roles and not as normal people who live their lives. Somehow being LGBT becomes the only trait of the character!

A while back I read this thing on tumblr but I didn’t think much of it. I clicked a screenshot and then forgot about it but going back to it, I think it’s really important. So here goes –

“Sometimes being gay can be really lonely. Not in the sense that you don’t have friends or anything, but you just feel isolated. The movies aren’t made for you. The music on the radio isn’t made for you. Advertisements aren’t made for you. You feel like everyone is in on some joke and you’re laughing with them but you didn’t get it.”

I couldn’t agree more. I want to see more representation, more things I can relate to. And when I think about other even less represented orientations such as asexuals or pansexuals I feel so much worse for them. Almost every movie showing a relationship puts emphasis on the sex part of it. I can only imagine how that feels for asexual people to have literally no representation. (I am not asexual and hence don’t want to speak on behalf of people who are cuz I do not truly know what it feels like and hence I said I can only ‘imagine’).

But anyway, my point is making good LGBT characters will only help in reducing homophobia and help LGBT individuals who are struggling with their identities and give them something to relate to and feel accepted and good about themselves.

I’m so gay!

Okay, like I feel so gay! Like I’ve known that I’m not straight for a while now and I’ve accepted that and stuff but like I feel so gay since yesterday!

I feel like I’m makimg no sense but in such a weird mood! Like I’ve been reading all the lgbt text posts on tumblr and instagram and omg I love this!

I don’t know what’s happening to me but I’m laughing like a craxy person and I can’t stop! I’m so gay!

Sorry this post is so stupid!
And like Idk maybe I should say lesbian but I don’t particularly feel comfortable in using that word. Like the word gets stuck in my mouth. Does that make sense? Idk so I’m just going to stick with gay. Okay.

And I’m making lists! Lists of all the lgbt themed books and movies I want to read and watch soon. I’m desperate to see and read those!

So this happened.

So you know how bras are the most annoying things ever? Well, yeah they are and they are so annoying to wear, like putting the bra clasp on in so difficult and annoying at times.

So yesterday I was sitting with my mom and sis and I was joking about how putting the clasp is so annoying and how I should get someone to do it for me and then I said that I’m going to make my husband do it for me everyday. But in reality what I wanted to say was that i’ll get my wife/girlfriend to do it for me. See the thing is, i’m not “out of the closet” to my mom. And so I have to cover up like this and change pronouns so many times! And I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I hate lying. And to me that is kind of lying.

I just kind of don’t like it and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just blurted it out. I almost did yesterday. I almost said my husband or wife. I almost added the “wife” part but I didn’t. I don’t know. What’s the worst that could happen? I just feel like if I tell my family then I won’t have to be so careful about what I  say. I don’t know how my mom will react but I do know that my sis would be cool with it. But then the thing is that if I tell my mom then my whole extended family will find out and I know that a lot of them will not be okay with it. So I’m not sure what to do. I’d thought that I’ll just tell them once I move away for college or something but let’s see what happens.

Also, another issue is that I’m not even very sure how I identify. I mean I’m pretty sure I like girls. And initially I thought that I was bi but then I felt like I don’t like guys at all and so then I thought that I was totally gay but then a little while back I started thinking that the thing is, I do like guys sometimes. Like if I see a nice guy then I feel like I wouldn’t mind dating him or even kissing him or whatever but I could never ever sleep with a guy. Like I would be romantically interested in him but not at all interested physically or sexually or whatever. I don’t know, it’s confusing. So I don’t know how to “come out of the closet” when I don’t even know how I identify!

So yeah, I’m confused again! And this was one thing that I thought I had figured out but I guess not!