Pride 2016

I went for my first ever Queer pride parade this Sunday and it was amazing. I’ve never seen something like that.

So many happy, not straight/cis people coming together to celebrate, laugh, have fun but also to demand equality and justice! Music, dance, rainbows, balloons, colour, hearts, masks, makeup. It was just so happy. I felt like I belonged.

The day started with me and my friend reaching the spot and meeting a few people. Then I got a mask cuz I didn’t want people knowing who I was. Post that we got balloons and flags and buttons and it was so much fun. A lot of people from my college were there so we formed a little group and hung out together. Screaming, laughing, singing and dancing. There was a huge rainbow flag and we danced under it and we screamed slogans and ‘freedom’ and it was amazing. I couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t think I can do justice to the events of that day by just writing about it so I’m putting up some pictures here! 

 

                                                                                       
   

After the parade ended, we all went to get some food which was a lot of fun too and then headed back. Basically I was out from 11am to like 8 30 pm.

Probably the only bad things about the day were that I had a mini panic attack and someone asked me about the scars on my arms. Besides that, the day was amazing! I was quite happy tbh! 🙂

LGBT Representation

I came across a book about a love story between two bi girls and it’s an Indian book and I am so excited to read it!!! I ordered it online but somehow the order didn’t go through properly but I’m ordering it again tonight and I cannot wait for it to come! I’m obviously getting it delivered directly to college because I can’t bring it home but I’m so excited. Okay well tbh I don’t know how good the book/writing is going to be but I don’t care cuz it’s an Indian book with LGBT representation!!!! It’s called Love bi the way and yeah I know it’s a cheesy title but I’m trying not to judge!

Also, there is this Indian web series about a love story between two girls that I had heard about long back but I never ended up watching. I was talking to Rain today and she said that it was nice so I started watching and it’s so cute! I’ve watched all 8 episodes that have been released already and I can’t wait for the next episode. It’s called The other love story. While I do think it could have been better, I still think that any representation is better than none!

At the same it sucks that we have to accept crappy representation but right now I don’t have a choice so  I’m okay with this! The thing is, you read a book or you watch a movie and you somehow relate to the characters and it just makes you feel better. That’s literally it. That’s the importance of representation and I don’t think that that’s asking for too much.

Oh and if you haven’t seen Blue is the warmest colour then you NEED to! It’s a gorgeous French film about a love story between two girls and it breaks your heart but also mends it and ahh it’s beautiful. It’s one of my favorite films ever! Oh warning tho, it has some amount of explicit content so basically NSFW. But anyway, it’s amazing. Please watch. And if you know French then I’m sure it’ll be nicer for you but if not, watching with English subtitles like I did is cool too! 🙂

Privilege

I just realized something. I am a very privileged member of the LGBT+ community. Don’t get me wrong, homosexuality is still kinda illegal here but I’m talking about just within the LGBT community.

I come from an upper middle class family and could afford to go to an international school. Because of that, I came across people who were more accepting. I have access to the internet from where I can learn various LGBT related things. I have ways such as social media to get my voice heard and all of this is amazing.

But it makes me think of people who aren’t as privileged as me. There are so many homeless people, poverty stricken people in our country. I can’t help but feel like being LGBT would be more difficult for them. I’m not saying this in a pitying way, but Idk, I guess I’m just acknowledging the privilege I have.

I really don’t have much to say here, I’m still trying to understand this better but I really recommend reading this article here that got me thinking.

Pride//Identity

So apparently, it’s pride month!!! At least as far as I know it’s celebrated in the U.S., Idk where else tho.

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And that’s the pride month calender!!!

So yesterday, I was super excited about this and I decided that I wanted to celebrate a few! I sent it to my friend and I told her how I wanted to celebrate some of these and she said that she doesn’t know what most of them mean and asked me to explain and so I explained all of them!

I also told her how I really wanted to celebrate and I wanted to make a rainbow cake and right a few lgbt related posts and also make those loom band thingys in pride flag colours! I made one a while back when I identified as bisexual so that I could show my pride subtly even at home!

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So anyway, after explaining all the various sexualities and genders to her, I think I kinda figured out where I belong! So I think I identify as biromantic, homosexual and I use the term gay as I think it fits me best. I also identify as demisexual I think and also polyamorous! Idk if that’s too much but I feel like all of that describes how I feel.

Anyway, I’m glad I at least feel like I figured out how I identify and for me pride doesn’t have to celebrated in a huge way, I can just do it in a tiny, subtle way I guess. But I really do want to celebrate it someday on a big scale and I wanna have people to celebrate it with! But till then, it’s okay, I’ll do what I can do! 🙂

Being, well, not straight(?)

Okay so the tittle of this post is kinda weird. For more than one reason. Firstly, I don’t know how I identify exactly so initially I was gonna write gay or lesbian then I thought that I should write LGBT but then nothing fit so I wrote not straight. And secondly, I don’t really like the word straight cuz it somehow implies that people who are lgbt are not straight and somehow like idk twisted or messed up idk. But like for the purpose of this post I’ll refer to myself as being gay cuz I think that fits me best and I’m most comfortable with that right now. Anyway, moving on.

So honestly, I’ll never say this again cuz I like to be proud of myself for who I am but I have to say this once. I hate not being straight sometimes. I hate it so much. And I also hate that I hate it. Cuz like it would be so much easier to be straight. Less complications and difficulties when it comes to this part of their lives. I mean like I hate having to come out to anyone. I hate that homosexuality is kinda illegal in my country. And like idk I’m just ranting.

Tbh, I comparatively had it easy in terms of coming out cuz most of my friends were very accepting and I didn’t even have to come out to everyone as it automatically just spread through my grade through rumors and shit. But like if I had to come out in my old school, it would have been a whole other story and it wouldn’t have been easy.

And like idk you know how all my friends talk about guys and so I just feel slightly weird if I want to talk about girls. Then they say yeah but you can’t relate or something weird idk. and like when my friends talk about guys and be like oh that guy is so hot and I just laugh and say yeah. And I’m scared to actually be really friendly with people I’m not very close to cuz I don’t want them to feel strange when and if I do come out to them idk.

And like I see all these straight couple shows on tv and omg there are literally so many of them but hardly any shows with a story-line that revolves around lgbt characters and I hate that cuz I really just wanna see a cute lesbian love story and relate to that or whatever.

Idk I just sometimes wish I was straight. ugh. I shouldn’t wish that and I usually don’t but like I do sometimes and I get really frustrated when I do cuz like I don’t want to feel like this. Anyway, I should stop now cuz this post is really shitty and badly edited ugh but I can’t be bothered to edit right now, sorry.

LGBT Representation on TV

Sometimes I find myself wanting that ideal life shown on tv, a husband, kinds the whole thing. And that’s so strange cuz I don’t even like guys! Then I kinda realized that it’s not about wanting a husband but more about the whole concept of it cuz that;s the “perfect life”.

I maybe want to get married someday to a woman I love but whenever I think of marriage the whole idea of a husband is what comes to me! I guess it’s partially because that’s what’s been taught and shown to us since a young age.

I mean how many shows or movies do we see where there are LGBT couples living normal lives like we see heterosexual couples living. And yes, I agree that the amount of representation has increased in the past few years but it’s hardly enough! It’s so important to have representation cuz it gives us something to relate to and makes us feel accepted.

And while LGBT representation has increased I still feel like we are shown in very stereotypical roles and not as normal people who live their lives. Somehow being LGBT becomes the only trait of the character!

A while back I read this thing on tumblr but I didn’t think much of it. I clicked a screenshot and then forgot about it but going back to it, I think it’s really important. So here goes –

“Sometimes being gay can be really lonely. Not in the sense that you don’t have friends or anything, but you just feel isolated. The movies aren’t made for you. The music on the radio isn’t made for you. Advertisements aren’t made for you. You feel like everyone is in on some joke and you’re laughing with them but you didn’t get it.”

I couldn’t agree more. I want to see more representation, more things I can relate to. And when I think about other even less represented orientations such as asexuals or pansexuals I feel so much worse for them. Almost every movie showing a relationship puts emphasis on the sex part of it. I can only imagine how that feels for asexual people to have literally no representation. (I am not asexual and hence don’t want to speak on behalf of people who are cuz I do not truly know what it feels like and hence I said I can only ‘imagine’).

But anyway, my point is making good LGBT characters will only help in reducing homophobia and help LGBT individuals who are struggling with their identities and give them something to relate to and feel accepted and good about themselves.

I’m so gay!

Okay, like I feel so gay! Like I’ve known that I’m not straight for a while now and I’ve accepted that and stuff but like I feel so gay since yesterday!

I feel like I’m makimg no sense but in such a weird mood! Like I’ve been reading all the lgbt text posts on tumblr and instagram and omg I love this!

I don’t know what’s happening to me but I’m laughing like a craxy person and I can’t stop! I’m so gay!

Sorry this post is so stupid!
And like Idk maybe I should say lesbian but I don’t particularly feel comfortable in using that word. Like the word gets stuck in my mouth. Does that make sense? Idk so I’m just going to stick with gay. Okay.

And I’m making lists! Lists of all the lgbt themed books and movies I want to read and watch soon. I’m desperate to see and read those!

So this happened.

So you know how bras are the most annoying things ever? Well, yeah they are and they are so annoying to wear, like putting the bra clasp on in so difficult and annoying at times.

So yesterday I was sitting with my mom and sis and I was joking about how putting the clasp is so annoying and how I should get someone to do it for me and then I said that I’m going to make my husband do it for me everyday. But in reality what I wanted to say was that i’ll get my wife/girlfriend to do it for me. See the thing is, i’m not “out of the closet” to my mom. And so I have to cover up like this and change pronouns so many times! And I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I hate lying. And to me that is kind of lying.

I just kind of don’t like it and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just blurted it out. I almost did yesterday. I almost said my husband or wife. I almost added the “wife” part but I didn’t. I don’t know. What’s the worst that could happen? I just feel like if I tell my family then I won’t have to be so careful about what I  say. I don’t know how my mom will react but I do know that my sis would be cool with it. But then the thing is that if I tell my mom then my whole extended family will find out and I know that a lot of them will not be okay with it. So I’m not sure what to do. I’d thought that I’ll just tell them once I move away for college or something but let’s see what happens.

Also, another issue is that I’m not even very sure how I identify. I mean I’m pretty sure I like girls. And initially I thought that I was bi but then I felt like I don’t like guys at all and so then I thought that I was totally gay but then a little while back I started thinking that the thing is, I do like guys sometimes. Like if I see a nice guy then I feel like I wouldn’t mind dating him or even kissing him or whatever but I could never ever sleep with a guy. Like I would be romantically interested in him but not at all interested physically or sexually or whatever. I don’t know, it’s confusing. So I don’t know how to “come out of the closet” when I don’t even know how I identify!

So yeah, I’m confused again! And this was one thing that I thought I had figured out but I guess not!

Questions and Answers!

So a few posts back, I had asked people to ask me random questions and I would answer them. I got so many questions to answer, a few anonymous questions, a few from WordPress bloggers and some more from my friends in real life and some of the questions were pretty similar so I combined them. Sorry if I missed out any! So here are the answers –

Q 1 – What is your favourite colour?

My favourite colours are Black, Blue, Red, Purple and some shades of Pink.

Q 2 – How Did you find out you were gay?

I took the test, obviously!

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Haha, I don’t know. I just kinda had a crush on a girl and then I just though that okay, maybe I am bi but then later I figured that I wasn’t into guys at all and so I figured that I was gay!

Q 3 – Have you always known you liked girls?/When did you find out you were gay?

No, I have not always known I was gay but I definitely always knew there was something different about me. I din’t have crushes on guys like all my friends did! So when I was about 14, the thought that I might be bi first came into my mind but it terrified me and so I buried it and refused to think about it. Then last year, I started accepting it a little and started to understand myself better and figured that I was gay.

Q 4 – How do you plan to tell your family?

I don’t plan to tell them anytime soon but when I do, I was thinking I might make a cake and write “I’M GAY!!” on it! Or maybe I could hide in a real closet and come out of it holding a banner saying  “I’M GAY!!” or maybe even a rainbow flag! Or maybe I’ll just tell them in a letter or an email. I really don’t know.

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Also, How did you tell your parents you were straight!?

Q 5 – Who are your favourite movie stars?

My favourite movie stars have to be Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and Olivia Wilde. I like Leonardo DiCaprio also.

Q 6 – Will you ever tell your crush you like them?

Being the shy kid I am, probably not! Well I might, maybe on the day I graduate or something just to get it off my chest and to not keep thinking what could have been.

Q 7 – How do you feel now that you admit you’re gay as compared to when you thought you were straight?

Wow! Umm,I guess I am kinda relieved to know that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m just gay! I don’t really know how I feel, I’m cool with it, I guess? Sorry, I really don’t know how to answer this question.

Q 8 – Do you think you could be gay because your dad left at a young age?

Yup! You got it! That’s exactly why I’m gay.

Omg, No of course not! It’s just the way I am. It has nothing to do with my dad. I don’t even see the slightest connection between the two! This is almost really funny to me! I really don’t get how they could be connected.

Q 9 – What made you come out and openly admit that you’re gay?

Umm, I guess I just got tired of hiding it. And I felt that if people can’t accept me as I am then I don’t need them in my life and so I am not going to hide such an important part of my life anymore (well, I am not totally out to everyone but I’m getting there!). And also, there is this girl in my school who is bi and she has a girlfriend and she doesn’t hide it. She flaunts it and is perfectly happy about it. So I just felt that if she can do it, if she has the courage to come out, then so can I!

Q 10 – How many girls have you dated since you found out that you were gay? / Have you dated any girls?

I’ve dated two girls. But nothing serious. The first one lasted only about 3 weeks. I still hadn’t told anyone. I was really scared and I hid it from everyone.It wasn’t a nice feeling and I wasn’t ready for it at that time. The second one was a little better, lasted about 2 months. This one, a few people knew about but again it wasn’t going anywhere.

Q 11 – What is the weirdest thing that went into your mouth as a kid? 

Umm, Once a mosquito almost went into my mouth! Almost. It was still so eww. images

Q 12 – What would you say is your best quality? Personality wise.

I guess it has to be either the fact that I am loyal as F to my friends and will defend them like crazy if you say anything bad about them or the fact that I am really really honest.

Q 13 – How did you and GS become friends?

[For those of you who don’t know, GS is one of my oldest and possibly one of my closest friends]

We became friends back in 4th Grade. We used to go to the same school, lived in the same neighborhood and were in the same bus. And yet I was too shy to talk to her. And she was quite shy too. So my grandmother, knowing I would never initiate a conversation myself, invited her over to play, without telling or asking me! So she came over after lunch around 2 30 and we decided to play Monopoly. And yes, both of us sucked at it, we were in 4th grade after all. The game went on and on and on and she ended up staying till about 6. Then my grandmother told me to have milk and she offered it to GS also and she agreed to have some. And then I asked her whether she wanted to go to play in the park and she said she did and so I introduced her to some of my other friends. It was a super fun evening and since then we kind of just stuck together!

Q 14 – What do you intent to do after you are done with school?

Why, oh why do people insist on asking me this!? I don’t even know what I am going to do this evening let alone what I am going to do with my life after school. Like I can’t even decide if I want pasta for dinner or pizza, how am I supposed to make such important life choices already? WHY?

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Okay, So I am done over reacting now. I think I probably want to do something either relating to Psychology, English, Anthropology, History, or Art or something! I don’t know.

Okay, So that’s that! I hope I answered everyone’s questions and if I missed out any, leave it in the comments and I will address them.

The LGBT Community

We live in such a hetero normative world. And hetero-normativity (That’s a legit word right?) is so deep rooted in all of us that we just assume that everyone on this planet who is not openly LGBT is straight. And it’s not that it’s something people do consciously but everything in this world is framed around heterosexual couples. Many times people ask girls if they have a boyfriend? They do this with the best of intentions but again they just assume that she must be straight. And this kinda makes it awkward for gay people who have to correct you and say something along the lines of – no, but I have a girlfriend- or something like that. Now it’s very difficult to change your entire way of speaking, but using gender neutral terms or not assuming everyone is straight does help LGBT people. Like you could ask – are you seeing someone? – instead of – do you have a boyfriend? It’s not too much to ask for but it does make a difference.

And the second thing I wanted to talk about is that stupid law in the Indian penal code. Section 377 which criminalizes ‘carnal intercourse against the order of nature’ is in my opinion such a stupid and backward thinking law. This law basically makes homosexual sex illegal and can lead to a 10 year imprisonment. I don’t understand how consensual sex between two individuals of any gender or sexual orientation is of any concern to the government of a country. I don’t even understand what people think will happen if LGBT people have sex? This stupid law was implemented when the country was ruled by the British and while the British have changed their own laws, India is still following this medieval law. How can you take away a person’s right to love? Does a LGBT person not deserve to love and be loved and be happy with whomever they want? On one hand people talk about India developing at a really fast pace and becoming “modern” and on the other hand they still implement laws like this one. How can people not understand that being LGBT is okay? It’s more than okay. It’s perfectly “normal”. And plus, homosexuality is not a choice. People do not choose to be LGBT. In a country where this community is discriminated against so much who would choose to be LGBT? And for the sake of argument lets say that it is a choice, then when did heterosexual people choose to be “straight”? I don’t understand why the government has to interfere in someone’s personal life and take away their right to love. Its as unfair as it can get. It is due to laws like these that LGBT people are scared of coming out and are scared of people not accepting them and keeping yourself hidden in nothing less than torture for people.