Things That Make Me Happy

  1. Sitting on the bridge and staring at the stars with you was one of my favourite things to do but the stars are too far away and now so are you so I guess I’ll have to make do with the paper stars that I put in a jar so I can reach out and touch them whenever I need.
  2. Tea and a cigarette on a breezy morning with Paul Anka playing in the background could make me happy in a minute but now they just remind me of your smell mixed with cigarette smoke and sweat and I’d rather shut the window when it’s breezy out and I’d rather sleep in than think of you.
  3. I have a new deodorant now because the old one just reminds me of how much you liked it and how when we spend afternoons in bed, our scents would mix together and make a new fragrance unto itself but now I can’t even bare to use my old deodorant.
  4. I remember sitting on your bed, tucked under a blanket, smoking a joint and not talking about anything consequential and gosh I would give anything to go back to that night in 102 when we spent hours talking about toothpaste and crickets and the right kind of green.
  5. Do you remember that night when we were sitting in your room drinking alcohol mixed with coke from plastic bottles, laughing away at silly things and serous things and not caring about anything going on beyond those four walls?
  6. You’re not around to make fun of me for wearing t shirts of only solid colours and so I wear them as often as you can and hope that you notice and I know I saw you smile the other day when I wore one and I smiled too.
  7. You’ve moved on and I’m busy making new friends too and I feel like it’s time to move on na? Have you moved on already?
  8. I loved showing you notes and things I’d written in my notebook and I loved that you wrote in it too but now I can’t deal with looking at your handwriting all over my it and so I think it’s time to buy a new notebook.
  9. I’ve always loved hugs from people I love but your hugs made me feel like I was safe and at home but home is never going to be you and so I learned to hold myself up and I’m okay.
  10. I’m learning something new everyday now like today I learned to listen to your favourite song without crying and tomorrow I’m going to learn to walk past you without being bothered.

Okay so I know this is shitty, I was writing in a hurry. But I plan to eventually at some point use all 10 of these individually as prompts for writing other stuff. Right now they are all just about this one person who I’m not supposed to think about. Also, the words in italics were my prompt for writing this. So basically, in poetry club, we were supposed to make a list of ten things that made us happy/sad/angry/scared. One girl write these 10 things which are in italics as her things that make her happy. I was supposed to write a poem using them but I didn’t have time then so I just wrote this instead.


I miss you

Except in that one drunk text, I’ve never actually told you that I miss you. And even in that one text, I hid it behind a bunch of other words. It’s really scary, you know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever actually tell you but I miss you so much all the time.

You’re around but you aren’t around and I don’t feel important enough and you don’t miss me and that hurts but I can’t change that. I think everyone has priorities and people let you know what their priorities are even if they don’t actually say it. And it’s become clear enough that I’m not a priority and I’m just trying to wrap my head around that.

I’m going to not text you anymore. And in return, I need you to not give me hope when I fuck up and do text you. Cuz each time you reply with enthusiasm, it gives me hope of something that isn’t real. So here’s what I’m going to do –

  1. Not text you.
  2. Try to avoid you a little bit.
  3. Call anyone but you.
  4. No bridge chill times.

I just really need to get over you now and distance will help.

But for now, I really miss you.

Things I Learned About Relationships In Freshman Year

(Wow why is the title is so long!?)

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I am going to be writing a series of what I learned about _______ in my freshman year and so here’s one about relationships. And by relationships I mean, both, friendships and romantic relationships. Now, trust me, I fucked up a lot so here’s some stuff I learned (or am still learning tbh) –

  1. Don’t force it. This has to be number one learning! Yes, put effort in your relationships but don’t force it. If it’s meant to happen, it will. You shouldn’t feel like your effort isn’t being reciprocated. (This is v important for me cuz I’m the type of person who gets stuck on things, even things that don’t work).
  2. Relationships get made without you realizing it. Over pancakes in the middle of the night, over panic attacks, on the bridge listening to Katy Perry, over having “alternate” sexualities, anything really!
  3. It is so important to have a good roommate relationship. You’re going to be living with this person for the entire year, so might as well be nice and have a comfortable situation. I’m so lucky that my roommate and I get along so well that we are rooming together next year too!
  4. Sometimes space is important. For you and the other person. Give it time. It’ll be okay.
  5. Don’t let anyone give you shit for your relationships as long as you’re happy with your decisions. Honestly, whether it’s a friends with benefits relationship, or a serious “I’ll someday marry you” relationship, don’t let anyone shame you for it!
  6. Form relationships/friendships/whatever with your seniors. Honestly, they can be so amazing and helpful in you getting through college. They know all the coll hangout places and what to do and what not to. And really, they can become great friends (again, i’m so fucking lucky! my seniors are the absolute best!).
  7. Different friends have different roles to play in your life. Some friends will be there to make you laugh and to chill with, others will be there when you need to cry/vent. It’s unfair to expect everything from just one person.
  8. Giving people paper cranes is a good way to make friends. Trust me. (just a warning though – it is a little random and might confuse people?)
  9. Food helps you bond with people. Enough said about this one.
  10. oh my god just trust me but friendships and relationships and people save you and help you save yourself ahhh they are so nice and pure and lovely and i love making friends wow but also be careful and take your time but yeah okay thanks.

That’s pretty much it. Wow I’m feeling so wise!

Pls to share your “things I learned” in the comments?

Done With Freshman Year~


I remember my first week like it was yesterday but it also feels so long ago! Like it’s strange, it’s like time went by too fast but also very slowly!?

I remember when I wasn’t too sure about my college decision and wasn’t sure that I’d like it. I can’t imagine myself anywhere but here now. I love my college so much. It feels like home, whatever this is. I can’t explain it very well but I shall try.

It’s laughing and crying, hogging on pancakes and Maggi in the middle of the night, dhaba dates, bridge dance sessions, learning to let go of things, learning that it’s okay to ask for help, feeling safe(ish) and pushing my boundaries. It’s movie nights, pantry gossip sessions, singing in the showers, bonding over the amount of work we have, promising to go to gym everyday but ending up just eating nutella instead, and sobbing in your friends room without having to explain. It’s sitting on hilltops and talking about the meaning of life, it’s watching friends play football at 2am, it’s sitting outside the mess just talking and it’s studying in the common room. It’s also kind friends and strangers holding my hand through panic attacks and letting me ride it out, it’s them hiding out in a safe place with me when I don’t feel brave enough to face the world, it’s people willing to listen.

That in no way sums up all of college but I could go on forever. But honestly, most importantly, it’s the people. The people who’ve taught me so much, been there for me, inspired me and just been extremely kind. I’ve had people I’ve never spoken to, come help me during a panic attack. I’ve actually made friends like that. I’ve made friends I trust completely. I’ve genuinely never met people I like and trust more than this.

And not going to lie, I sometimes hate it but that’s okay. I’m still trying to figure out how some things work and learning to find ways to change this I don’t like but I think that’s okay. It’s all part of the process.

In some weird way, I feel like I’ve found home, in both the place and the people.

Love, Storms and Finals

Yes, that is pretty much what this post is going to be about. Love, storms and finals. In reverse order though.

Okay so first up is finals. I have finals starting this week carrying over to next week. I have four courses including psychology, Shakesqueer, literature, and science. For science I had a group project and an exam. The project is done, had to make a poster and write an article. Have an exam on the 10th of May. For Literature, psychology and Shakesqueer I have papers which are all due on 4th/5th of May! I have three submissions on the same day which means that I’m screwed! (pls send help!)

So like a few days back, we suddenly had a very bad dust storm! It was so random an sudden! I was sitting in the pantry with a couple of my friends and we quickly ran to bring the clothes stands inside from the balcony and all of that! It took a while to clear but it was okay-ish. Then today again, really randomly, there was a mini storm. The winds were so intense that you couldn’t even stand without being pushed in the direction of the wind! Dust and everything was flying all over and a door in my dorm broke! Glass shattered everywhere and people posted pictures saying stuff like “finals break everyone!” It was quite a mess!

And now the most important (sort of, I guess) one is the love bit. Okay so I think I’m in love with this girl and I don’t even know what love is or whatever but it feels so good to be around her. She is wonderful and soft but also not soft and sad and she is artsy af and I just. I don’t know. Cliche as it might be, love songs are fucking making sense to me and they shouldn’t! I hate it! Probably cuz I know it can never be. It’s so strange cuz I love the feeling but I also hate it. Doubleness is such a strange thing. Everything is and is not or is both and neither and I don’t even know. It’s a strange feeling, it’s not butterflies. It’s more like I don’t need coffee to get through the day anymore.


You know those nights when you think that you won’t make it to tomorrow? and then she just holds you and just sits with you. doesn’t try to tell you that it’ll get better or don’t cry. she just lets you cry and be. And she lets you curl up in her bed and just lie there and be panicky and she sees you shaking and asks if it would be okay for her to hold your hand and you don’t know what to say. yes hold my hand. you make me feel safe. you’re one of the very few people who make me feel safe. how or why i do not know because i haven’t known you for that long but i love you. if i know what love is, that is.

Again, i don’t usually write like this. i usually write with good punctuation and proper capital letters and all that stuff. but lately i have just been writing whatever i’m thinking and in whatever way i’m thinking. if this is what comes out when i sit down to write then this is what i’m going to post. this post was written so furiously and i don’t know i guess i just had to get it all out and i didn’t want to wait to put capital letters properly and all that.

Crushes and love shit

I sometimes think that I’m still a little in love with the person I was “in love” with back in high school. And in fact a couple of my friends also asked me if I was still into her. And I don’t know, maybe I am?

The thing is, she’s a wonderful human being.I’m still in touch with her and everything. And I talk about her a lot. A lot of my high school stories somehow have her in them. And I don’t know, maybe I am a bit hung up over her. But like she’s never going to know and that’s how I want to keep it. Sometimes some thing are just better left unsaid, I feel.

Okay moving on. New crushes. Okay so there’s this one girl. She’s a second year. She’s amazing. Artsy af and like really beautiful and I’m a little in love and an idiot and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m stupid. But whatever, it’s cute and makes me laugh a little so it’s cool and she’s a nice person so I’m happy.

OKay now this is the more interesting/weird one. I have another crush. On a guy. Like wtf!? I’m crushing on guys again!? But omg he’s so cute. AND he’s bisexual. Doesn’t make a difference but I don’t know, I find not straight people very interesting. And he’s actually a nice guy. The first time I spoke to him was in the smoking room and I found him a little bit intimidating but then after speaking to him more, I realized he’s quite sweet. We hung out in the same group on pride too. And then we all had dinner afterwards and we’ve also had dinner together one other time in college. Idk I think he’s really sweet and I kinda like him but idk if I like him enough. And it’s not like anything is actually going to happen. He’s was out of my league!

Okay so this is my tiny update on my love life which is dead af to be honest. Also, I should be sleeping. I took a nap around 8 and woke up around 9 15 and I decided to go back to sleep but at this point a friend of mine messaged and she wasn’t feeling very good and so I went to get her some food and stuff and then after that I got hungry cuz I hadn’t eaten diner and so after all that I’m wide awake now. But it’s cool. Tomorrow is an easy day. 🙂

Creases on her forehead

lips curled upward

a certain annoyance on her face

or maybe impatience?

beauty personified

This is literally just random words which came to me when I was thinking about a certain someone.

Crushes and all that love shit (“CRUSH-me”)

So my friend saw this title and went all like “the title of this post should be Crush-me” cuz tbh that’s what crushes do. Crush my freaking heart ugh annoying af.

So like if you know me at all then you know that I have a habit of crushing on people I cannot have and that usually means straight girls. Yeah, I’m crushing on someone again. Okay so before I joined uni, there was this girl I met on Facebook and I really liked her e writing and stuff and idk I kinda started crushing on her. But then I eventually realized that I barely even talk to her in real life and it was pretty pointless. I’m probably going to talk about this person later in my posts so I’m going to call her Shell.

Then for a little while I thought I had a crush on a friend of mine but then I realized that I really don’t.

Okay so now the important bit. I’m crushing on this person right now and she is so amazing and super smart and beautiful and she makes my heart feel all sorts of things and I cannot take my mind of her and because of her I am so freaking distracted and ahhh my little heart cannot handle so much emotion!!! Oh and I’m going to be referring to her as Sin.

Anyway, the thing is I had kinda sort of decided to not really date in the first year of college. I don’t know why but I just felt like I don’t need the extra stuff and I just want to focus on me and on like getting better and taking care of myself. But now I’m thinking that if something were to happen then I wouldn’t mind. Like I’m not actively looking for a relationship but if it happens then I’m not going to be totally against it.

Oh and one more thing. My mom keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend. It’s fucking annoying.  Like she legit says things like “you know condom sales go up during this festival season” and idek. She brings it up all the time and I’m starting to get really annoyed. But I can’t do much so I just laugh and say nothing.

Okay I honestly don’t even know where this post is going. I’m too tired to make too much sense I think but yeah I had to basically say these things.