This feeling

There was this time in my life when I just wanted to die. I was in unbearable mental and emotional pain and I could not bear it anymore. I was always crying and I hated myself, everything about myself. Life seemed pointless to me and I did not see a reason to live. I lost interest in all the things I used to love to do. I felt like I was never going to be good enough for anyone and no one needed or wanted me around anyways so how would it matter to anyone if I just went away. In fact, I wondered if anyone would even notice if I wasn’t around anymore. It was really bad and it went to a point where I even self-harmed once. It got so bad that one night, I was sitting with a blade in my hand wondering why I was even alive anymore and maybe I should just put myself and everyone else around me out of their misery. But I am a coward and I was too scared to do it. And the worst part of it was that I hid it from everyone and no one cared enough to notice that I was feeling like shit. It took a long time but slowly it started getting a little better. I started feeling a little better. But I will never forget how painful that time of my life was. And there was no out. It was so painful to live but I was too scared to die. There was no out. And now, I am slowly starting to feel like that again. I don’t want to feel like that again. I really don’t but I don’t know what to do about it.

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3 thoughts on “This feeling

  1. Go and seek help. You know you can walk into any doctors office, hospital, church, school guidance counsellors …and explain how you feel. There is help available. Rather than being too scared to do it, I think that your inner self has a stronger desire and need to live. I think there’s a strong call on your life because of the purpose you serve here. There are people that need you…your eyes have just not been open to it yet. Btw your blog about Easter brought me to tears – there are definitely ppl out there that can clearly see you for you and care!

    Liked by 1 person

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