Happy post?

Okay enough of me being sad and idek.  For like a week I’ve been an idiot and now it’s time to think of happy things so here goes-

Puppies – I met two really cute puppies today and omg they were so adorable!!!

Going to meet my sis tomorrow. Don’t even need to explain this one!

Hot chocolate!!! I make for my roomie and myself and we both love it and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy! 

Gilmore girls revival on November 25th! Cannot wait!!

I feel slightly inspired to draw again which is exciting cuz I haven’t in a really long time.

There are too many beautiful girls in my college and they make my heart happy!

I got up early for breakfast and had milk and egg and pancakes and I felt so good and sorted in life for like  a minute but it was great!

Okay what else? Sparkly things! Poetry! Books! Blue!

kthanksbye

Vent post

I don’t know if this post will make much sense but right now I really need to vent.

I’ve been talking to Tea a lot in the past few days and it’s been mostly about her. Which is quite okay with me TBH. Like I don’t mind at all, in fact I quite like it. I like the fact that she trusts me enough with things. But somehow I don’t feel like I can vent to her. Which is weird cuz I usually talk a lot. A LOT.

I don’t know why but I guess I’m not giving her enough credit or whatever but I keep feeling like she wouldn’t understand. Which is unfair of me I suppose. But at the same time I can’t help but feel used. And I kinda told her this and I’m pretty sure this hurt her and I feel like a horrible human being but I don’t know. I guess it was kinda something I did maybe a little impulsively?

Anyway, I’m thinking that maybe it’s my fault. Actually I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. I don’t let people come close to me. I don’t tell them things. And yeah then asking would sometimes help but in general I’m scared of people finding out things about me. The reason for this I guess is the fact that I feel like some of my issues are way too intense for anyone including me to handle so why subject people to that. Why tell them all the crappy stuff and stuff that bothers you when you can just torture yourself quietly about them instead!?

I don’t know but I’m obviously having trouble talking/venting to people here because for once I’m scared of people judging me. I’m actually legitimately concerned that certain people aren’t going to want to be around once they know. And so I’m scared of telling them and letting them find out. I’m not sure what the solution would be here, all I know is that I’m an idiot.

Tea is such a wonderful person and I’m an idiot who just ruins things. I want her to trust me because I genuinely do care but I guess relationships have to be like equally give and take? Actually I don’t know. Maybe not. In fact, I really like spending time with her (and all my friends tbh) but because I’m so messed up in my head right now that I keep messing things up with real life people and I’m starting to get annoyed with myself.

I have to go home tomorrow and I’m dreading it. Going home means 3-4 days of being around mom and things just being stressful af and having to be extremely careful about everything I say. I’m just hoping that these 4 days will go by fact and peacefully. Really cannot handle it right now.

Yesterday I spoke to my English teacher who I’m really close to and it really helped I think. I ranted for like 45 mins and she heard it all out. And I told her about how mom makes me call home like 5 times a day and come home on every weekend and all that and how’s it’s really suffocating and idk even though she didn’t have like a solution, just talking to her felt so good.

TW- Self harm

So I’m back to being like only 2 days clean which sucks but it’s better than 0 days right?

I cannot wait till November 10th. Terrified and don’t want to do this whole thing on my own but I have no choice so I’m just going to have to do it. And I’m ready for this, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.

Yeah, I know my thoughts are quite scattered so sorry about that but I need to write this all down or else my head would explode.

Weekend at College

On most weekends, I end up going home even though I’d rather stay at college. The reason for this is obviously my mom but whatever. The point is, this weekend I decided to stay here at college and relax a little and finish some work and it has been so nice.

On Saturday, I woke up at like 12 or 1 in the afternoon, ate some food and went back to sleep. Woke up again around 2 30 and started watching a movie. Then around 4 30, I went and bought some chicken with my friend cuz well I hadn’t really had a meal all day. Then after eating, I came back to the room and cleaned up and organised stuff. Then around 7 45, my friends and I went for dinner and it was actually surprisingly really nice! (also had ice cream :))

Then we walked around for a bit before I came back to the room and rearranged my entire room. Moved around the bed and table and chair and everything! It looks much better now tbh! Then I decided I was going to sleep early but that obviously didn’t happen. I went out for a walk with a friend and it was very nice and pleasant.

Then today morning, I woke up early at like 8 am. Came for breakfast and I’m now sitting outside in the lawn near the mess. Planning on studying here for a bit but let’s see.

The point is, nothing major happened all weekend but it has been so nice and mellow and quiet and I love it. I love that I’m here and not at home instead! Okay well to be completely honest, the reason I slept so much yesterday morning even though I kept waking up in between was because I was feeling really low and I didn’t want to feel anything tbh so I just decided to sleep it off. But besides that, things are okay. I’m stressed about work but that’s not unusual. So things are okay I think.

I DID A THING//Nov 10

I DID A THING!!!! I called up the psychologist’s office and I booked an appointment for myself!! Can you believe that!? Cuz honestly, I can’t believe I actually did it! After so many months of wanting to do, I finally did! 

Initially, I couldn’t cuz I needed parental permission but now I’m 18 and I can do it on my own and so I called today afternoon and I booked the appointment for November 10th which is a bit far but still! Not going to lie, I’m quite scared for it. Especially cuz I have to do it all on my own. I’ve never ventured out into the city alone and I have to go find my own way and talk to her and come back and everything basically. 

The last time I went to te psychologist for an unofficial meeting sort of thing, I went with Annie and her mom and they were so helpful. But now that I’m an adult I guess that means that I have to do this stuff on my own. Okay tbh I’d rather have someone go with me but I’m not sure who I’d want to ask because none of my high school friends are here and I don’t know, I’m not sure about my college friends. Let’s see. 

But like I’m so proud of myself for calling! I think it just got too much for me to handle and I finally broke and decided to do it. Like I’ve said in a few previous posts, I’ve been struggling a LOT lately and I think this will help a little. I’m happy I did this but I’m also scared and a bit nervous and idek. But yeah, this is good. 

NOT feeling good

I don’t know why or what’s going on but I feel really freakjnh horrible. I was sitting with Tea and talking about some stuff I kept saying really random weird things.  Like stuff that’s been bothering me was just randomly coming out of my mouth with like no filter. 

I don’t know, I just don’t feel good and I don’t feel like I can vent to anyone here and everyone outside of here is as busy as me so I don’t want to bother anyone but ugh I feel like I want to scream or cry or something. I feel too much. Like I feel like I’m too much. And I’meverything feels too much.  And I can’t handle it right now. I don’t have it in me. 

See another really stupid sad post. I need to stop doing this tbh but this has become my only vent space for now. So sorry for all the negativity but Connor handle life right now. 

Busy bee crazy week

Okay ignore the stupid title. It’s 2 45am and I cannot think of anything better.

The point is, this week is so insanely busy! Actually it’s really not, I’ve had busier weeks here at college but somehow it’s just feeling like a lot.

Things I’ve done so far –

1. Moved back into college after vacation.
2. Read Descartes’ Discourse on Method for class.
3. Laundry.
4. Cleaned up my room a little.
5. Attended all except 1 class so far.
6. Had a tiny freak out session.

And it’s only Tuesday!

Things I have to do this week –

1. Read for Great Books
2. Prepare for critical thinking research paper and presentation.
3. Study for Mind and Behavior class.
4. Study math because I’m really close to failing.
5. Do the Linocut printing thing for my print making class which is two hours long and really exhausting.
6. Go to this meeting called  ‘Questioning Queer Collective.’
7. Laundry
8. Sort my head out.
9. Call up that psychologist.
10. Clean my room.
11. Attend poetry club meeting(?)

Okay so that’s all I remember for now but this is a LOT and I am so tired. I NEED TO SLEEP.

Poetic-ish

I had to read Amir Khusrau’s poetry for my Great Books class and I came across these lines in one of the poems and I fell in love.

“You always tell me, ‘My elixir
is sweet.’ If you ask Khusrau, darling,
he’ll tell you that it’s poison, too.” 

Also, if it’s not obvious enough, I LOVE spoken word poetry. And while I can never pick a favorite poem, I really like this one so here you go!

 

 

Ramblings?

So yesterday was a strange day. Way to many emotions running wild tbh. Let me explain.

So the day started nice enough. I woke up at 6 30am and washed my hair and got ready for my 8 30 class on time and that’s actually a huge achievement for Monday morning. Went to class which was pleasant. Came back to dorm after class. Met Rain who had just came back from vacations and there was like a LOT of excitement! Then we went for our next class and then came back to the dorm after. See! Nice and happy and pleasant, right?

And then shit just got weird. I haven’t been feeling really good in the past week or actually a bit more (probably the effect of spending so much time at home) and so I’ve been spending most of my time in bed. Like I have literally no motivation to do anything at all. And like recently I’ve really been missing my school friends and my teacher and everyone and winter is coming which means my depression thing is just going to get worse and like suddenly there were like way too many thoughts in my head and I started crying. Thankfully I was alone in my room so it didn’t matter too much.

It was kinda bad but after crying it all out I convinced myself that I’m feeling better and I kinda tried to distract myself. Rain and I went out for a walk and played games and stuff in the field and talked which was really nice. Post that, I spoke to Tea for a while. That was nice too cuz like we spoke about stuff in her life which was a nice distraction from my own so yeah.

Okay so now, real talk – I’m kinda worried for myself. I don’t know how to explain it but like I usually always know when I’m going to get worse again and I can legit feel it creeping up. And my only solution right now is to distract myself. Study and do other things and just not think about it but that really doesn’t work out cuz I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING at all! Not even painting. I haven’t painted in so long! Okay I hate the fact that I’ve been writing so much depressing crap. ugh why?! But no I’m happier here at college so I should count my blessings or whatever, right?

Also, NOTE TO SELF – CALL THE FREAKING PSYCHOLOGIST AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT YOU IDIOT!

Such Rhyme Much Wow

I was studying math when I came across something kinda stupid but very important in between my notes. You see the thing is, I only ever get inspired to write or draw in between class. Usually math class but any class I’m bored in tbh. And because I can’t draw/write in class, it usually results in a lot of doodling, random sentences and sometimes random rhymes. So see what I found –

1. Apple pies and blue skies
2. Helpful hints and breath mints
3. County fairs and extramarital affairs
4. Chocolate cream and far-fetched dreams
5. Purple rain and phantom pain
6. Blue lips and huge tips
7. Curly hair and mushrooms that are rare
8. Chocolate cakes and salty lakes
9. Flying words and hurtful words
10. Angel breath and traumatic death
11. Nose rings and bee stings
12. White candles and Instagram handles
13. Red chairs and hungry bears
14. Leaves on trees and the murderer flees
15. Antisocial kids and boxes without lids

Okay yeah I’m done and all I can say for this is sorry but I had to put it up here so a few months/years later I can look at this and laugh at myself. It’s probably the best thing I’ve written tbh. Not really but yeah okay I don’t know what I’m saying anymore so I’m going to go back to math. I just HAD to take a break to type this up!

 

LGBT Representation

I came across a book about a love story between two bi girls and it’s an Indian book and I am so excited to read it!!! I ordered it online but somehow the order didn’t go through properly but I’m ordering it again tonight and I cannot wait for it to come! I’m obviously getting it delivered directly to college because I can’t bring it home but I’m so excited. Okay well tbh I don’t know how good the book/writing is going to be but I don’t care cuz it’s an Indian book with LGBT representation!!!! It’s called Love bi the way and yeah I know it’s a cheesy title but I’m trying not to judge!

Also, there is this Indian web series about a love story between two girls that I had heard about long back but I never ended up watching. I was talking to Rain today and she said that it was nice so I started watching and it’s so cute! I’ve watched all 8 episodes that have been released already and I can’t wait for the next episode. It’s called The other love story. While I do think it could have been better, I still think that any representation is better than none!

At the same it sucks that we have to accept crappy representation but right now I don’t have a choice so  I’m okay with this! The thing is, you read a book or you watch a movie and you somehow relate to the characters and it just makes you feel better. That’s literally it. That’s the importance of representation and I don’t think that that’s asking for too much.

Oh and if you haven’t seen Blue is the warmest colour then you NEED to! It’s a gorgeous French film about a love story between two girls and it breaks your heart but also mends it and ahh it’s beautiful. It’s one of my favorite films ever! Oh warning tho, it has some amount of explicit content so basically NSFW. But anyway, it’s amazing. Please watch. And if you know French then I’m sure it’ll be nicer for you but if not, watching with English subtitles like I did is cool too! 🙂