I don’t know if this post will make much sense but right now I really need to vent.
I’ve been talking to Tea a lot in the past few days and it’s been mostly about her. Which is quite okay with me TBH. Like I don’t mind at all, in fact I quite like it. I like the fact that she trusts me enough with things. But somehow I don’t feel like I can vent to her. Which is weird cuz I usually talk a lot. A LOT.
I don’t know why but I guess I’m not giving her enough credit or whatever but I keep feeling like she wouldn’t understand. Which is unfair of me I suppose. But at the same time I can’t help but feel used. And I kinda told her this and I’m pretty sure this hurt her and I feel like a horrible human being but I don’t know. I guess it was kinda something I did maybe a little impulsively?
Anyway, I’m thinking that maybe it’s my fault. Actually I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. I don’t let people come close to me. I don’t tell them things. And yeah then asking would sometimes help but in general I’m scared of people finding out things about me. The reason for this I guess is the fact that I feel like some of my issues are way too intense for anyone including me to handle so why subject people to that. Why tell them all the crappy stuff and stuff that bothers you when you can just torture yourself quietly about them instead!?
I don’t know but I’m obviously having trouble talking/venting to people here because for once I’m scared of people judging me. I’m actually legitimately concerned that certain people aren’t going to want to be around once they know. And so I’m scared of telling them and letting them find out. I’m not sure what the solution would be here, all I know is that I’m an idiot.
Tea is such a wonderful person and I’m an idiot who just ruins things. I want her to trust me because I genuinely do care but I guess relationships have to be like equally give and take? Actually I don’t know. Maybe not. In fact, I really like spending time with her (and all my friends tbh) but because I’m so messed up in my head right now that I keep messing things up with real life people and I’m starting to get annoyed with myself.
I have to go home tomorrow and I’m dreading it. Going home means 3-4 days of being around mom and things just being stressful af and having to be extremely careful about everything I say. I’m just hoping that these 4 days will go by fact and peacefully. Really cannot handle it right now.
Yesterday I spoke to my English teacher who I’m really close to and it really helped I think. I ranted for like 45 mins and she heard it all out. And I told her about how mom makes me call home like 5 times a day and come home on every weekend and all that and how’s it’s really suffocating and idk even though she didn’t have like a solution, just talking to her felt so good.
TW- Self harm
So I’m back to being like only 2 days clean which sucks but it’s better than 0 days right?
I cannot wait till November 10th. Terrified and don’t want to do this whole thing on my own but I have no choice so I’m just going to have to do it. And I’m ready for this, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.
Yeah, I know my thoughts are quite scattered so sorry about that but I need to write this all down or else my head would explode.