LGBT Representation on TV

Sometimes I find myself wanting that ideal life shown on tv, a husband, kinds the whole thing. And that’s so strange cuz I don’t even like guys! Then I kinda realized that it’s not about wanting a husband but more about the whole concept of it cuz that;s the “perfect life”.

I maybe want to get married someday to a woman I love but whenever I think of marriage the whole idea of a husband is what comes to me! I guess it’s partially because that’s what’s been taught and shown to us since a young age.

I mean how many shows or movies do we see where there are LGBT couples living normal lives like we see heterosexual couples living. And yes, I agree that the amount of representation has increased in the past few years but it’s hardly enough! It’s so important to have representation cuz it gives us something to relate to and makes us feel accepted.

And while LGBT representation has increased I still feel like we are shown in very stereotypical roles and not as normal people who live their lives. Somehow being LGBT becomes the only trait of the character!

A while back I read this thing on tumblr but I didn’t think much of it. I clicked a screenshot and then forgot about it but going back to it, I think it’s really important. So here goes –

“Sometimes being gay can be really lonely. Not in the sense that you don’t have friends or anything, but you just feel isolated. The movies aren’t made for you. The music on the radio isn’t made for you. Advertisements aren’t made for you. You feel like everyone is in on some joke and you’re laughing with them but you didn’t get it.”

I couldn’t agree more. I want to see more representation, more things I can relate to. And when I think about other even less represented orientations such as asexuals or pansexuals I feel so much worse for them. Almost every movie showing a relationship puts emphasis on the sex part of it. I can only imagine how that feels for asexual people to have literally no representation. (I am not asexual and hence don’t want to speak on behalf of people who are cuz I do not truly know what it feels like and hence I said I can only ‘imagine’).

But anyway, my point is making good LGBT characters will only help in reducing homophobia and help LGBT individuals who are struggling with their identities and give them something to relate to and feel accepted and good about themselves.

So this happened.

So you know how bras are the most annoying things ever? Well, yeah they are and they are so annoying to wear, like putting the bra clasp on in so difficult and annoying at times.

So yesterday I was sitting with my mom and sis and I was joking about how putting the clasp is so annoying and how I should get someone to do it for me and then I said that I’m going to make my husband do it for me everyday. But in reality what I wanted to say was that i’ll get my wife/girlfriend to do it for me. See the thing is, i’m not “out of the closet” to my mom. And so I have to cover up like this and change pronouns so many times! And I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I hate lying. And to me that is kind of lying.

I just kind of don’t like it and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just blurted it out. I almost did yesterday. I almost said my husband or wife. I almost added the “wife” part but I didn’t. I don’t know. What’s the worst that could happen? I just feel like if I tell my family then I won’t have to be so careful about what I  say. I don’t know how my mom will react but I do know that my sis would be cool with it. But then the thing is that if I tell my mom then my whole extended family will find out and I know that a lot of them will not be okay with it. So I’m not sure what to do. I’d thought that I’ll just tell them once I move away for college or something but let’s see what happens.

Also, another issue is that I’m not even very sure how I identify. I mean I’m pretty sure I like girls. And initially I thought that I was bi but then I felt like I don’t like guys at all and so then I thought that I was totally gay but then a little while back I started thinking that the thing is, I do like guys sometimes. Like if I see a nice guy then I feel like I wouldn’t mind dating him or even kissing him or whatever but I could never ever sleep with a guy. Like I would be romantically interested in him but not at all interested physically or sexually or whatever. I don’t know, it’s confusing. So I don’t know how to “come out of the closet” when I don’t even know how I identify!

So yeah, I’m confused again! And this was one thing that I thought I had figured out but I guess not!

OMG What!?

Omg I can’t believe I did it! Okay, so remember how I mentioned that I had a crush on a really good friend of mine called Annie? Okay so I told her! Yes I told her!!!!!!

So basically, I think the first time I thought that I might have a crush on her was back in December last year but then we weren’t even friends back then and I pushed it to the back of my mind. Then in May- June this year we became really good friends and my crushing on her intensified. Since then, I’ve kept it in but you know i’m always scared of it slipping out and I’ve had to watch my tongue a bit around her and sometimes I feel like I’m lying to her and I don’t like that and so I just decided to tell her the truth.

Basically, yesterday morning I woke up and just decided to tell her. I was feeling like my head would explode if I didn’t tell her so I did. Actually I had already sort of told her. I had discussed this with her. I had told her I have this crush and that I want to tell her and she had encouraged me to go and tell my crush. It’s just that she didn’t know it was her. It was actually quite hilarious!

So then all day yesterday I was planning to tell her but I didn’t get a chance. I discussed it with a few friends of mine and they all encouraged me to do it. So then when I was dropping her home from school as soon as we reached her house, I told her. She was totally okay with it, she gave me a hug and we laughed about it even. It was fine. Then because she knows how much I over think things she messaged me later in the evening asking if I was doing okay and whether I was torturing myself by over thinking. So I said I was doing okay. But omg she cares so much. That is why I love this girl. She really genuinely cares about people.

So yeah that’s that! I still can’t believe that I had the guts to do this!

Blurbs

My hands shake,
my lips quiver.
I’m not ready for this.
————
She holds my hand to steady it
and tells me that she’s here for me,
Tells me that she’ll always be around.
————-
I don’t believe her.
Why should I?
Everyone leaves anyways.
———–
I call her up crying,
I need her.
I’m scared.
I’m scared that once she sees me like this,
She won’t want to be around me anymore.
————
She surprises me.
She sticks around.
She checks up on me to make sure I’m okay.
To make sure I ate that day.
————
How could I not love this girl?
————
She’s been to hell and back herself,
She knows what it feels like.
She says she will stick around.
She says she’s here for me.
————-

Her Laugh

I can’t give her what she needs.
I cant make her laugh like the others can.
And oh how beautiful she looks when she laughs!
I can’t take that away from her.

Can you please stop assuming things?

I can’t believe that just because I spend most of my time in school with this friend of mine (shaz) in school, people just assume that we are together. There have been so many rumors in the past that it just annoys me. Do people not have anything better to think about? Just the other day, this friend of mine saw us together and then later she said that she “ships” us. You know that weird thing where you rot for some relationship or something like that. And I was so surprised and I was like “What? Why?” And she was like “because you are always together and are always smiling and happy with each other. Then I just said NO NO NO and the she was like “why? don’t you like her?” And I was like No, I don’t like her, we are not together and we are just friends”. So she said oh okay.

I mean this wasn’t as bad because she asked me directly and did not say it behind my back but still, can people just stop assuming that we are together? Like, can I not just be friends with her and spend a lot of time with her and smile a lot when I am with her? Does that automatically mean that I am with her? And anyways, she is straight. Why do people not understand that? Sometimes this annoys me so much. If people did not know I that I am gay, they would not assume this, they would just think that we are friends. Just because they know, they assume these things.

The LGBT Community

We live in such a hetero normative world. And hetero-normativity (That’s a legit word right?) is so deep rooted in all of us that we just assume that everyone on this planet who is not openly LGBT is straight. And it’s not that it’s something people do consciously but everything in this world is framed around heterosexual couples. Many times people ask girls if they have a boyfriend? They do this with the best of intentions but again they just assume that she must be straight. And this kinda makes it awkward for gay people who have to correct you and say something along the lines of – no, but I have a girlfriend- or something like that. Now it’s very difficult to change your entire way of speaking, but using gender neutral terms or not assuming everyone is straight does help LGBT people. Like you could ask – are you seeing someone? – instead of – do you have a boyfriend? It’s not too much to ask for but it does make a difference.

And the second thing I wanted to talk about is that stupid law in the Indian penal code. Section 377 which criminalizes ‘carnal intercourse against the order of nature’ is in my opinion such a stupid and backward thinking law. This law basically makes homosexual sex illegal and can lead to a 10 year imprisonment. I don’t understand how consensual sex between two individuals of any gender or sexual orientation is of any concern to the government of a country. I don’t even understand what people think will happen if LGBT people have sex? This stupid law was implemented when the country was ruled by the British and while the British have changed their own laws, India is still following this medieval law. How can you take away a person’s right to love? Does a LGBT person not deserve to love and be loved and be happy with whomever they want? On one hand people talk about India developing at a really fast pace and becoming “modern” and on the other hand they still implement laws like this one. How can people not understand that being LGBT is okay? It’s more than okay. It’s perfectly “normal”. And plus, homosexuality is not a choice. People do not choose to be LGBT. In a country where this community is discriminated against so much who would choose to be LGBT? And for the sake of argument lets say that it is a choice, then when did heterosexual people choose to be “straight”? I don’t understand why the government has to interfere in someone’s personal life and take away their right to love. Its as unfair as it can get. It is due to laws like these that LGBT people are scared of coming out and are scared of people not accepting them and keeping yourself hidden in nothing less than torture for people.

The first time…

I was 14 when this started. She was this really cool junior in high school and i was just some dorky freshman. She lived really close by and our younger sisters used to play together. I used to look at her and think that she was one of the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Then one day, I was just sitting with a friend of mine and she came up to us and started talking to us. And this is how we became friends. I would always think that she was really pretty and I though of her constantly. This was before i knew that i was into girls. I considered myself straight at this point. I told my friend about the fact that i thought of this girl constantly and wanted to talk to her all the time and that i felt all the things you feel for a crush for her. My friend told me that i most probably wanted to ‘be’ her and not be ‘with’ her. And i thought that she was right. slowly,i realized this wasn’t true and that i had really fallen for a girl. Then came the panic about realizing that I was into girls. And this was the moment which launched this long journey of self discovery and figuring out how i identified.
I never told this girl how I felt about her. She graduated high school and moved away to college. We still keep in touch through text messages once in a while. She will never know it, but i am so grateful to her for sparking this thing inside me that led me to discover a very important part of myself.

Being a femme!

I am finally getting comfortable about it and I am now telling people about it. Now almost 15 people know that I am a lesbian. And for me that is a really big number. My family still doesn’t know, But for now that’s okay.

I identify as a femme lesbian, which basically means i like wearing dresses and like to paint my nails and have long hair and all those ‘girly things’. Being a femme can make life really easy and really hard. For example, if you want to keep your sexuality hidden, its no problem because you will usually get mistaken for straight anyways. This is also the worst part, because people will always mistakenly assume that you are straight and ask you questions like – do you have a boyfriend?- and then you have to explain that actually have a girlfriend (that is, if you have a girlfriend!). And getting other lesbians to notice you is also a huge task because you don’t fit the stereotype of a lesbian so how do they know that you are interested?

Also because I am a femme, sometimes when I tell people I am a lesbian, they just don’t believe me. You have to really explain everything for them to get it. And I get so many questions like – Who is the man in the relationship?- They don’t get the fact that there is no man in the relationship and that’s why it is a LESBIAN relationship.

And I am a femme who likes other femmes. And this sucks because I can never tell if someone is straight or bi or lesbian because all of us femmes go through something called ‘femme invisibility’. So I just end up crushing on straight girls (at least I assume they are straight, but I don’t really know!).

A fork in the road.

I feel like the time is running out. I need to decide now. This way or that way. It can’t be both. It can’t be neither of them. So how do i figure out which way is the one for me?

Bisexual? or a lesbian?

I recently came out to 2 more of my friends (so now 4 people know). I came out to them as Bisexual. But, to me, that sometimes feels like a lie. Because I cannot understand if I am only into girls or both into guys and girls. I have dated guys before. But now I usually don’t feel attracted to guys. I have not had any crushes on guys for a long time now. And I feel like I am a lesbian but I am not sure.
When I imagine my future, I always imagine myself with a woman. I just cannot imagine myself living with a man. The picture just doesn’t feel right. And I have this horrible feeling that if I date a guy or end up with a guy, I will never be satisfied and end up cheating. And that is something I never want to do.

But the reason it is so confusing is that I don’t know if I am ready to give up on guys. Its just that my mind is stuck on the image that people have hammered into you head of being with a guy. But I really know that I am only into girls, but maybe its just difficult for me to accept it. I don’t know why.

Its really confusing for me because right now I feel like I am lying to myself and to the people around me. I don’t want to do this anymore.

And another important thing is that I know that some of my friends are very backward thinking and they probably wont talk to me if they find out, but a lot of my friends will also be accepting. But how do i come out if I myself don’t know how i identify?

Bisexual? or a lesbian?