Sick of feeling like this.

I just fucking want that. I just want love. I want it so bad. I am desperate for it. I am tired, so tired of feeling like this- unloved, not good enough, never enough. I just fucking want someone to want me. Just please please love me. I want to be someone’s reason to smile. I want someone to think about me and feel all warm and mushy. I want someone to love me. Why is it never me? Why am I never the girl people fall in love with? I just want to be happy. For once, I just want pure, unadulterated bliss. I want someone to wake up thinking of me and hold me and to just want me around. I don’t understand why it’s never me. Do I not deserve it? I get it, I am not pretty, thin or even smart.But I am human. I need love. I want someone to kiss me and hold me like they they have never been with someone like me. I want to feel special for once in my fucking life. For as long as I can remember, I have been the unwanted one. I want people to want me.

I am tired of being invisible. And I don’t know how to change this. I am everyone’s second choice. Or maybe like the 8th or 9th choice. I don’t know. I just want to be someone’s priority. I want to make someone as happy as they make me. I am sick of feeling like I am not enough.

I cut again. I stopped doing it with so much difficulty last time. I don’t why I started again. I am stupid. I don’t what I am doing. I am not fulfilling any expectations. Mine or anyone else’s. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. When will it be my chance? When will someone want me? When will someone get butterflies when they think of me, when will someone want to be with me and talk to me all the time? I just want someone to be there for me. I just want to be there for someone. I need someone to hold me. I need a hug. A long and comforting hug.

What art means to me

Recently I read a post by Ciara about her relationship with art and it inspired me to write about my relationship with it. (It was an amazing article and you should definitely read it here) I have been interested in art since I was a little kid. Since I could hold a crayon, actually. And I have taken classes over the years, filled numerous art books, I have even kept some of my childhood art files. And I enjoy it, I love it, or at least I used to love it. I am not really sure anymore. So my mom is really keen on art and so she got me into it and I thought that I liked it but then when I had to choose my IB subjects, my mom wanted me to take art but I decided not to. I saw other people’s art and thought that I wasn’t good enough and my art would never be as good as others’. So that kind of brought me down and I stopped painting. And then only times I would do it was in the middle of the night when I was alone. And it helps me express myself and makes my head clear but I still stopped doing it. And I did not even seem to miss it. Until, I started doing it again this year. I thought I used to only do when I was younger because of my mom but I realized that I really do love it and I should have never stopped doing it. I still feel that I am not good enough at it but I am working on that. And I can only paint when I am in the mood, it not something I can do on demand. But well, I do it for myself and I feel good about it. So yeah, I think I am going to do it more often from now on.  Maybe I will post some of my artworks on here someday. Maybe.

Blue is for boys, Pink is for girls.

I recently came across a kind of chocolate thing called Kinder joy. I mean I have had it before but I recently saw the new packaging of it. They have come up with two different types of packaging. One with a pink container which is meant for girls and one with a blue container which is meant for boys. And to top that, the toy that comes with it is also different for both container it seems. The blue one containing toys which are stereo-typically toys for boys and  the pink ones containing toys which are stereo-typically for girls. This angers me so much. Like why would you do that to little kids? Why would you assume that girls want pink things and boys want blue ones?

And what is with people assuming that girls want to play with dolls and kitchen sets and buys want to play with cars or something? Can you please just let the kids decide what they want to play with.

Recently, I was wearing a dress and I was sitting on the floor with my legs slightly apart and my sister said, Sit like a girl. Now, she is a kid and she did not understand the full meaning of what she was saying, but she has heard it so often that she said it instinctively. From a young age, kids are told that this is girly and not something guys do and vice versa. It is drilled into people so deep that people don’t even think or realize when they make sexist remarks, and they do it unintentionally.

So yeah, my point is that we need to stop subjecting little children to stereotypes and we need to start teaching kids more about equality between the genders.

And also, what about kids who do not fit into the certain gender identity with which they are born? Don’t you think this dividing kids into male oriented things and female oriented things will confuse them?

We really need to stop doing this and let them decide what they want. And I know it’s stupid, but I have stopped buying Kinder joy and on the rare occasions that I do end up buying it, I insist on picking one up randomly with my eyes closed. Yes, make fun of me for this, but this is what I am going to continue doing.