Coming out!?

So I came out as bi to my sister today! It was totally unplanned and I don’t even know how I did this!?

So me, my sis, and a friend of mine had gone out to hang out and get some food and stuff. My sis knew that I had a thing for someone but she assumed it was a boy and so I didn’t say anything. Today somehow I decided to tell her.

I legit came out to my sis sitting in McDonalds!? So my sis asks me about my crush as to whether he’s hot. So I just told her it’s not a boy. She just smiles and then she said go on but like I couldn’t talk for like a minute. (It was actually only an almost non noticeable second but it felt longer in my head.) And so I then said it’s a girl. Then I told her to guess who it was and she did. Then she asked me if I’m bi and I said yes. I usually don’t say I’m bi cuz I don’t like the label but I think it’s okay now.

Then she asked whether I plan to tell mom and I said no. And then she asked why I didn’t tell her earlier to which I said that I saw no reason to. I told her that if  you didn’t come and tell me you were straight then why should I have to.

So that was pretty much it, she took it pretty well!

Only one question which annoyed me a little was that she asked whether I thought I was bi because I’m so into LGBT activism and idk. So I told her no and it annoyed me but I get that she’s still learning so it’s okay. I know she’s gonna ask more questions later but that’s okay, I’ll have to answer them now that I’ve started this!

So one person from my entire family officially knows!!! Wow Idk what came over me today but this is good I guess. It’s progress 🙂

Being, well, not straight(?)

Okay so the tittle of this post is kinda weird. For more than one reason. Firstly, I don’t know how I identify exactly so initially I was gonna write gay or lesbian then I thought that I should write LGBT but then nothing fit so I wrote not straight. And secondly, I don’t really like the word straight cuz it somehow implies that people who are lgbt are not straight and somehow like idk twisted or messed up idk. But like for the purpose of this post I’ll refer to myself as being gay cuz I think that fits me best and I’m most comfortable with that right now. Anyway, moving on.

So honestly, I’ll never say this again cuz I like to be proud of myself for who I am but I have to say this once. I hate not being straight sometimes. I hate it so much. And I also hate that I hate it. Cuz like it would be so much easier to be straight. Less complications and difficulties when it comes to this part of their lives. I mean like I hate having to come out to anyone. I hate that homosexuality is kinda illegal in my country. And like idk I’m just ranting.

Tbh, I comparatively had it easy in terms of coming out cuz most of my friends were very accepting and I didn’t even have to come out to everyone as it automatically just spread through my grade through rumors and shit. But like if I had to come out in my old school, it would have been a whole other story and it wouldn’t have been easy.

And like idk you know how all my friends talk about guys and so I just feel slightly weird if I want to talk about girls. Then they say yeah but you can’t relate or something weird idk. and like when my friends talk about guys and be like oh that guy is so hot and I just laugh and say yeah. And I’m scared to actually be really friendly with people I’m not very close to cuz I don’t want them to feel strange when and if I do come out to them idk.

And like I see all these straight couple shows on tv and omg there are literally so many of them but hardly any shows with a story-line that revolves around lgbt characters and I hate that cuz I really just wanna see a cute lesbian love story and relate to that or whatever.

Idk I just sometimes wish I was straight. ugh. I shouldn’t wish that and I usually don’t but like I do sometimes and I get really frustrated when I do cuz like I don’t want to feel like this. Anyway, I should stop now cuz this post is really shitty and badly edited ugh but I can’t be bothered to edit right now, sorry.

So this happened.

So you know how bras are the most annoying things ever? Well, yeah they are and they are so annoying to wear, like putting the bra clasp on in so difficult and annoying at times.

So yesterday I was sitting with my mom and sis and I was joking about how putting the clasp is so annoying and how I should get someone to do it for me and then I said that I’m going to make my husband do it for me everyday. But in reality what I wanted to say was that i’ll get my wife/girlfriend to do it for me. See the thing is, i’m not “out of the closet” to my mom. And so I have to cover up like this and change pronouns so many times! And I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I hate lying. And to me that is kind of lying.

I just kind of don’t like it and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just blurted it out. I almost did yesterday. I almost said my husband or wife. I almost added the “wife” part but I didn’t. I don’t know. What’s the worst that could happen? I just feel like if I tell my family then I won’t have to be so careful about what I  say. I don’t know how my mom will react but I do know that my sis would be cool with it. But then the thing is that if I tell my mom then my whole extended family will find out and I know that a lot of them will not be okay with it. So I’m not sure what to do. I’d thought that I’ll just tell them once I move away for college or something but let’s see what happens.

Also, another issue is that I’m not even very sure how I identify. I mean I’m pretty sure I like girls. And initially I thought that I was bi but then I felt like I don’t like guys at all and so then I thought that I was totally gay but then a little while back I started thinking that the thing is, I do like guys sometimes. Like if I see a nice guy then I feel like I wouldn’t mind dating him or even kissing him or whatever but I could never ever sleep with a guy. Like I would be romantically interested in him but not at all interested physically or sexually or whatever. I don’t know, it’s confusing. So I don’t know how to “come out of the closet” when I don’t even know how I identify!

So yeah, I’m confused again! And this was one thing that I thought I had figured out but I guess not!