1:25am

Today has been weird. I slept at 5am this morning cuz Tea and I were talking and I got distracted but anyway. And I had an 8 30am class.

So like yeah I went for my classes and I was v sleepy but it was okay. I spoke to people who were nice and like day was nice ish in general. But then evening happened and it was so bad. I cried for quite a bit for no reason. Okay there was a reason but more on that later.  So then I basically had a panic attack, cut and freaked out and then my friend Rain walked into my room and I asked her to call Tea and she showed up and was helpful af and I felt bad that she was so nice and I was so needy and yeah then I laughed and made random jokes cuz apparently this is my defense mechanism now.

So I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been freaking having panic attacks every week and I feel like I really need to try to identify triggers so I can be more careful.

Kinda VERY nervous about my appointment with the psychologist cuz I don’t even know if I want to do this because it’s v expensive, I’m lying a lot to my mom, and I don’t even know how helpful it will be.

okay see I know what the problem is but I hate saying it. For the longest time, I used to feel like I was too less. Not enough in some way I guess. And then one day, one of  my friends asks me what triggered my depression and stuff and I said I don;t know and she asked why I don;t talk much and then she asked me if it was because I felt like it was too much. And for the first time, I understood what that meant. It’s what I think about constantly tbh. Like I feel the need to censor myself or somehow not say the things I need to and just laugh it off because it’s either too painful to talk about or most often I don’t really feel like it’s fair to put all of my crappy baggage on someone else. And yes, everyone has baggage, I know. But most often it’s stuff like relationship troubles not shit like I’d rather die than be here and go home every weekend.

But then again, to be fair, I’ve improved a lot over this past one year. Exactly at this point last year, I was the biggest mess possible. This suicidal teenager who would break down every two days and cry all the time but still pretend to be the happiest person ever! Compared to that, I’m so much better. I use jokes to diffuse tension when I feel the worst and otherwise except panic attacks and cutting, I’m doing better. Sometimes I even ask for help! Progress, right!?