One of my biggest fears in my life is that I’ll never get out. Out of this city, out of this country. And I want to get out so desperately. But not at the cost of hurting the people around me. While I dream of going and probably never coming back to my country, I know that my mom wants me here. She wants me around. And how can I leave my sister and go. Like I’ve literally raised that little girl, she is my life. She needs me around. My mom is a really busy person and isn’t around that much and I I leave then what will my sister do. Who will she have around? But then again, leaving and going and travelling has always been my dream. I don’t know if I can give that up. Actually I know that I can give it up but I don’t know if I want to and also I don’t want to end up resenting them for holding me back here.

College is about a year away and I know that I’ll probably have to leave and go for college but my mom really wants me to go to a school which is just about 2 hours away and she wants me to come home on weekends and all but I don’t know if I want to do that. I want so desperately to go to a different country.

Also then there is the matter of being able to afford it. I know that I can’t afford it without getting a student loan or financial aid or something. Hell I can’t afford to buy a new laptop on my own, let alone go to college. (On that note, I actually am getting a new laptop. My mom’s ex gave me some money for my birthday and my grandmother is putting up some money so yeah)

Anyways, my point here is I don’t know what to do here? Like I don’t know if I can leave even though I desperately want to!

Updates!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything in more than 10 days (okay, I re-blogged a post but that doesn’t really count, does it!?). There was a time when I used to sometimes post up to 5 posts in a day! So here is what has been going on in my life lately –

1. My birthday just went by. It was on the 23rd and it was quite nice. On the 22nd, my family came over and we had this whole family lunch thing which was pretty nice. It was one of my friend’s birthday on the 22nd so we threw her a surprise birthday dinner which was really nice. Then at 12 that night, I cut a small ice cream- brownie- cake which my sister made for me and it was amazing. Then I watched Gilmore girls and listened to a lot of music all day. Then I went grocery shopping with my mom and while I was one, two of my friends planned a small surprise for me. With cake and balloons and all that. It was really cute. Then at night I went out for dinner again with a few of my friends. So it was Annie, GS, kaii, Tb, shivi and me. It was really nice and they got me a cake and everything. I got really nice presents too. My mom had gotten me a birthday present way in advance which was my phone. Then from my friends I got a bag, a dress, a scarf, macarons, nail paint, soap, key chain and the best of all, a Polaroid! Annie has a Polaroid camera which she knows I love so she got it with her on my birthday and we clicked one and she gave that picture to me. It’s really cute! I got black nail paint which I’ve wanted forever so that was great too and I had mentioned that I wanted to try macarons and so my friends got me those as well. They were so tasty. And I ended up getting 4 cakes for my birthday! So overall it was a nice day. One of the nicer days I’ve had in a long long time.

2. School is stressing me out so much. Like there is so much work to do and so little time. I am behind on all my submissions, which is no one’s fault but mine and I don’t know how to catch up. It’s making me go crazy. And to top that, I have a new psychology teacher who doesn’t really know how the IB system properly works and it’s getting really annoying! Yes, I know I’m complaining a lot but I’m so pissed off.

3. Annie is finally back from London which is great. I’ve kinda missed her.

4. I ate proper food for lunch 4 days in a row which doesn’t sound like a big thing but it is for me. The cutting however is still as bad.

5. I’ve had a headache constantly for so long. And I am continuously so tired I don’t even know why. Like yesterday, I slept off around 5 in the evening and woke up at 10 in the night and i was still so tired. I don’t know what to do about this.

6. We recently had a TEDx organised in our school which was great. Some really nice speakers came and it was fun. Oh and one of the speaker even conducted a spoken word poetry workshop the day before TEDx was happening which was amazing.

7. I’ve been so angry at I don’t know what. Like I’ve literally been feeling like breaking things. I don’t know why!!!

8. A few days back, I was just thinking about college and stuff and I started thinking about going to art school. Like i know I’m probably no where near good enough for it but I was thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to apply to a couple of them. But I don’t know. Let’s see.

9. I’ve still been feeling pretty low but I’ll write about that in another post.

10. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but I made a pen pal (okay, an email-pal!). I just randomly messaged this person on Tumblr and we started talking. Soon we exchanged email IDs and yeah so we kinda became pen pals. It’s really nice and she seems really cool. Let’s see how this goes.

11. I love Kimya Dawson. She is this really cool singer and I would definitely recommend everyone to listen to her music.

12. An incident happened recently. Basically in History class we were just revising what we had covered in the previous classes. So sir asked me a question. I answered it but I spoke at a low volume and I was kinda nervous and so sir asked me “how long will it take you to become confident?” and so of course I got even more embarrassed and nervous. Then he asked follow up questions on the topic and I was so nervous because everyone was looking at me and I couldn’t answer properly because i was so scared and I was literally almost crying. Yeah so then of course he let it go and he said he felt bad for making me feel awful and all that but of course he didn’t really understand why I was feeling so bad. So it was the last lesson of the day and I was very upset so I went and talked to a coupe of friends of mine. Both of them told me to go and talk to him but I said that it was okay and it didn’t matter. SO the next day, one of my friends offered to go talk to him for me and I agreed. But then later that day, I just felt like this was something I needed to talk to him about myself. So after crossing his room about 5 times, I finally plucked up the courage to go talk to him. I just went up to him and said that I needed to talk to him about something and he was really nice and welcoming and asked me to sit and everything. So then I told him I had “social anxiety issues”. And I explained to him how I need a minute to answer questions in front of so many people and that whole thing scares me and all that. I told him how even when I know the answer, getting it out of my mouth takes me a minute because there are so many people looking at me and all that. He said that he didn’t realize that was a problem and that he would keep that in mind and he was really nice about it. And after talking to him I also felt a little better because for the first time I felt like i stood up for myself and id what I needed to do. So yeah it felt good and I was kind of proud of myself.

Okay so yeah that’s whats been happening in my life lately. Nothing very interesting, just some random shit.

saynotostigma.

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

The stigma surrounding Mental Illness, and Chronic Illness of any kind, must stop.

Are society really this ignorant?

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This shit again

I’m hurting so much right now that I can’t even handle it. I can’t do this. Like I feel physically sick because of the emotional shit. I cannot do this right now. And honestly, I keep telling myself that i’m not going to do sad posts like this but I don’t know what else to do and this somehow helps.

So I don’t know what happened today but somehow I was feeling really down in the morning. Last night was kinda bad for me. No particular reason, it just was. I cut a bit and I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know what to do. it’s like I don’t want to talk to people about this because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. I don’t understand why I can’t make myself feel better. Like why do I keep doing this to myself. Why can’t I just be happy? I’m tired of not being happy. I’m tired of being the weird girl. The one who people don’t really want to talk to, never as a first choice at least. I want to be someone’s first choice, someone’s best friend, someone’s person. i want someone I can always rely on, someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I just need someone to be there for me. Someone I can talk to without thinking whether I am bothering them or not and all those things. I’m just so hurt right now I don’t know what to do. And also, i don’t have time to be hurt!!!!!! I have too much school work. I have one or two friends who tell me that they’re there for me and I know that but I still feel like I’m not first choice for them and I’m never going to be so why should I bother them.

Also, i think I’m over my crush, R. Like I’m not sure but I think I am. I have been feeling like I don’t like her as much as I used to earlier for a while now. And I always had a doubt that she knew that I liked her but i didn’t know for sure. But today I found out for sure that she knew and she has been telling a lot of people about it. So it kinda hurt me because I really thought she was a nice person. And I really had enough to think about today without adding this to the list.

Then yesterday In English class something happened. Basically we are reading this book which we analyse chapter wise in class and have discussions and all. So I don’t really speak much in class because I don’t like to talk in front of so many people and it makes me a bit nervous. I always feel like I’m going to say something stupid and everyone is going to laugh at me. So yeah I don’t speak much in class but yesterday, our teacher told me and a few more people to take turns to explain a part of the chapter because she thinks that we are the ones that talk the least. So of course I started freaking out and then I was stuttering a bit but I said a few lines but there were a lot of pauses in between and it wasn’t good. i don’t really talk to many people in my English class and I knew they were laughing at me but whatever I did it. But It felt bad, it really did. And then my teacher made a remark saying that wasn’t too hard was it and you heart is not beating at 130 bpm is it? it kinda embarrassed me a bit.

And then today at lunch, I ate actual food. Okay so I took a spoonful of rice and some dal and cucumber and I ate all of it. It was really difficult for me but I did it. Today after a long time, I felt like an outsider again. i was just sitting there and wonderin why I’m sitting at this table. I almost felt like I used to when I used to sit at my previous table with people who made me really uncomfortable. And then I just got up and left. So yeah, it felt bad but it’s okay. I am so used to this. I can deal with this. But it still hurts, a lot.

So yeah, it’s been a bad day. To top it all, this crush I was talking about, R, she nd I are doing our psychology experiment together and I thought I was done with it but we had to share the results and all so I still have to talk to her. Then there was a bit of a problem with it so she called me up. She called me up. Normally, that would have been the most exciting news ever, today it just freaked me out a bit.

And usually I can rely on my friends Shivi or SG to calm me down in stressful situations at school but not today. Today I hardly talked to Shivi because she was hanging out with this guy all day and I did not want to interrupt.  And SG, she seemed so happy and like she has her own life, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her all this.

Today has just been a horrible day and I have a feeling that tomorrow isn’t going to be much better but I’ll deal with it. I have to I guess. Oh gosh, tonight is going to be a long night.

Taking Care of Myself

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to learn to take care of myself and my problems. So here are the things that I’ve done over the past some time-

1. Eating only Cucumber for lunch. Yeah, I know that this does not sound like a good thing but trust me, it is. It’s kinda difficult for me to do even this, because I have to sit and eat with a lot of people and initially I thought that I would skip lunch altogether but I decided against that. I know that I should probably eat more than just that, that’s what everyone tell me, but I’m trying. And so this is good.

2. I still cut but I’ve found a way to not cut on my wrists. It’s not a solution, but it works for now. I use a sharp object but not enough to make an actual proper cut. It makes a slight cut, and the scar goes in a few days. As I said, it’s not a solution, but it is helping me for now.

3. I am starting to try and talk to other people. People who intimidate me. You know that quote by I don’t know who which said that you should do one thing that scares you everyday, well I’m kind of trying that. So I’m not doing it everyday but i’m doing things once in a while that I’m shit scared of. Talking to people I don’t know, and making friends and all that stuff.

So I know it’s not much, but it’s progress for me and putting it down like this in a post and looking at it gives me a sense of accomplishment and I like it. I’m trying to get better. This is me really trying.