One Month!

About a month back, in the beginning of March, I made myself a promise to not cut. To not cut until at least prom cuz I didn’t want any fresh scars. I can’t do much about the old ones but I didn’t want any new ones. It’s been a month and prom is in three days and I’ve almost kept my promise.

I say almost cuz I cut once in between around the 16th. And I know so officially it isn’t really a month but I’m still going to take it as an achievement cuz going from cutting once in two days to once in a month is a huge deal for me! I’m a little proud of me but I keep feeling like I’m going to fuck it all up and cut again and if I do it again then idk how to stop again so I’m just hoping I don’t mess up and manage to stay okay. But for now, I’m happy so it’s okay.

Updates!

Another one of those Update posts…

1. I am so behind on so much of my school work. Like so so much! I have 4 essays due, 3 lab reports, 1 extended essay, 1 English oral, and 2 tests. So yeah, that’s a lot of work! And I haven’t even started with anything. I just can’t seem to get my mind to concentrate enough. I just need to fucking stop procrastinating!
2. My art exam got done. It was pretty good. Like I’m happy with what I did and that’s enough for me.
3. I’ve started writing down all my random thoughts that pop into my head at weird times so that I don’t forget them and so that I can clear my head by getting them all out on paper.
4. I was 2 weeks clean of cutting before I cut again a couple of days back. That’s obviously a bad thing but at least I managed to stay clean for 2 weeks which is the longest I’ve gone without cutting in a long while.
5. I’m trying to not think of all the things going wrong in my head and think of all the nice things and I’m like trying to laugh at random things even though I don’t want to. Like I’m at least trying to pretend to be happy.
6. I don’t know what to do about the whole Annie thing. Sometimes I think that maybe I should distance myself from her so that I don’t hurt myself and her but at other times I think that it’s only a matter of 7 months before we graduate and so I should spent every possible minute with her. But I don’t know! Like being around her is difficult at times because like I see how happy other people make her and I wish I could but I can’t. SO I’m just trying to accept that and be friends with her and be there when she needs me.
7. October has been a strange month. So much has changed and so many things have gotten messed up. Like I’ve literally seen so many people, myself included, fall apart. I’ve seen relationships and friendships fall apart also! It’s almost spooky. This is not nice but oh well. Everyone’s doing the best they can and that’s all they can really do after all.
8. Omg how did I almost forget!? I got a Polaroid Camera. It’s an Instax Mini 8 and it’s black in colour. It’s the cutest little thing! And even though it doesn’t have film yet, I love it. I’m going to buy film also soon and I can’t wait! I want my first polaroid to be with my sister.
9. From about 18th – 23rd, we had this huge festival going on. And this is the like the biggest festival my family celebrates. Basically, lots of music, games, food and random fun stuff. It wasn’t the best time I’ve ever had but it was nice enough.
10. I love SG so much. She is such a sweetheart. She really does take care of me and makes sure I’m okay. And I can rant to her about anything. And besides that too, she in herself is such a cool and chilled out person. She is really a cutie. And like if she doesn’t come to school, I miss her so much!
11. I had a huge fight with my so called best friend. I’m saying so called cuz even though we call each other best friends it doesn’t feel like we are. Anyways, we haven’t spoken properly in a very long time and I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. I don’t know and I refuse to think about it right now.

Yeah SO that’s all I can think of right now!