Things That Make Me Happy

1. Sitting on the bridge and staring at the stars with you was one of my favourite things to do but the stars are too far away and now so are you so I guess I’ll have to make do with the paper stars that I put in a jar so I can reach out and touch them whenever I need.
2. Tea and a cigarette on a breezy morning with Paul Anka playing in the background could make me happy in a minute but now they just remind me of your smell mixed with cigarette smoke and sweat and I’d rather shut the window when it’s breezy out and I’d rather sleep in than think of you.
3. I have a new deodorant now because the old one just reminds me of how much you liked it and how when we spend afternoons in bed, our scents would mix together and make a new fragrance unto itself but now I can’t even bare to use my old deodorant.
4. I remember sitting on your bed, tucked under a blanket, smoking a joint and not talking about anything consequential and gosh I would give anything to go back to that night in 102 when we spent hours talking about toothpaste and crickets and the right kind of green.
5. Do you remember that night when we were sitting in your room drinking alcohol mixed with coke from plastic bottles, laughing away at silly things and serous things and not caring about anything going on beyond those four walls?
6. You’re not around to make fun of me for wearing t shirts of only solid colours and so I wear them as often as you can and hope that you notice and I know I saw you smile the other day when I wore one and I smiled too.
7. You’ve moved on and I’m busy making new friends too and I feel like it’s time to move on na? Have you moved on already?
8. I loved showing you notes and things I’d written in my notebook and I loved that you wrote in it too but now I can’t deal with looking at your handwriting all over my it and so I think it’s time to buy a new notebook.
9. I’ve always loved hugs from people I love but your hugs made me feel like I was safe and at home but home is never going to be you and so I learned to hold myself up and I’m okay.
10. I’m learning something new everyday now like today I learned to listen to your favourite song without crying and tomorrow I’m going to learn to walk past you without being bothered.

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Okay so I know this is shitty, I was writing in a hurry. But I plan to eventually at some point use all 10 of these individually as prompts for writing other stuff. Right now they are all just about this one person who I’m not supposed to think about. Also, the words in italics were my prompt for writing this. So basically, in poetry club, we were supposed to make a list of ten things that made us happy/sad/angry/scared. One girl write these 10 things which are in italics as her things that make her happy. I was supposed to write a poem using them but I didn’t have time then so I just wrote this instead.

Rainy Day :)

It’s been raining all day today. I woke up at 1pm and looked out the window and realized it was raining.

I got up and decided that I wanted to go off campus and spend the day in the city and so I immediately bathed and got dressed and headed out. As soon as I reached the place from where I take the shuttle to the city, I realized it was raining too much and I had a small fight with my mom and I was really upset and decided to not go out after all.

So I went up to the fifth floor and was sitting on the stairs, reading and listening to music and was in a weird mood. Suddenly, it started raining even more and I decided to head back to my room. I put my earphones in, put everything in my bag (which is, thankfully, waterproof) and started walking. And I got completely drenched. And I LOVED IT!!!!

It made me feel like a kid again. I was smiling so much and it felt so good and my clothes and hair were all wet but I didn’t care, I was just having fun! It reminded me of the days when me and my sister used to play in almost knee high water. And of rainy Sunday mornings when my friends and I used to play in the water near the swings in the park. And learning to make paper boats from my dadu so I could float them in the puddles.

It’s been a bittersweet day. Rain always gives me mixed feelings.

I miss you

Except in that one drunk text, I’ve never actually told you that I miss you. And even in that one text, I hid it behind a bunch of other words. It’s really scary, you know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever actually tell you but I miss you so much all the time.

You’re around but you aren’t around and I don’t feel important enough and you don’t miss me and that hurts but I can’t change that. I think everyone has priorities and people let you know what their priorities are even if they don’t actually say it. And it’s become clear enough that I’m not a priority and I’m just trying to wrap my head around that.

I’m going to not text you anymore. And in return, I need you to not give me hope when I fuck up and do text you. Cuz each time you reply with enthusiasm, it gives me hope of something that isn’t real. So here’s what I’m going to do –

1. Not text you.
2. Try to avoid you a little bit.
3. Call anyone but you.
4. No bridge chill times.

I just really need to get over you now and distance will help.

But for now, I really miss you.

Majnu Ka Tilla

On one side, the drains are overflowing because of the rains and it almost looks like a flood. Up on the other side, I stand with my earphones in listening to some peppy Hindi song. I knew just where to stop and stand when I saw faces that looked very Ashokan. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know. I look around and there are four of us here excluding the guard Bhaiya. All of us, somewhat impatiently waiting for the shuttle. All of our ears plugged. I worry about whether my music is playing too lour and other people can hear and judge. And then I realise, no one can probably hear it. Their earphones are on too. A kind man in the metro tried to help me figure out where I was king when I got on to the metro but I missed half of what he was saying cuz I had my earphones in. Got out of the metro just in time, slightly confused about what had just happened. I’m a well seasoned metro traveller, how did I fuck up. 

You see I was just dreaming about the thukpa and momos and Tibetan bread I had for under 200 rupees having already forgotten the tears that the spicy fenni brought to my eyes. I think the hot chocolate took care of that too. 

Somehow it felt like I wasn’t even in delhi. Tiny streets lined with shops and restaurants boasting a menu of Tibetan and Korean and Chinese food. Old women sitting next to the fenni shop near the temple making me smile. Oh and that dog curled up in the corner trying to avoid the rain.