Being a femme!

I am finally getting comfortable about it and I am now telling people about it. Now almost 15 people know that I am a lesbian. And for me that is a really big number. My family still doesn’t know, But for now that’s okay.

I identify as a femme lesbian, which basically means i like wearing dresses and like to paint my nails and have long hair and all those ‘girly things’. Being a femme can make life really easy and really hard. For example, if you want to keep your sexuality hidden, its no problem because you will usually get mistaken for straight anyways. This is also the worst part, because people will always mistakenly assume that you are straight and ask you questions like – do you have a boyfriend?- and then you have to explain that actually have a girlfriend (that is, if you have a girlfriend!). And getting other lesbians to notice you is also a huge task because you don’t fit the stereotype of a lesbian so how do they know that you are interested?

Also because I am a femme, sometimes when I tell people I am a lesbian, they just don’t believe me. You have to really explain everything for them to get it. And I get so many questions like – Who is the man in the relationship?- They don’t get the fact that there is no man in the relationship and that’s why it is a LESBIAN relationship.

And I am a femme who likes other femmes. And this sucks because I can never tell if someone is straight or bi or lesbian because all of us femmes go through something called ‘femme invisibility’. So I just end up crushing on straight girls (at least I assume they are straight, but I don’t really know!).

Femmebot

Seriously, For people like me who are underage and cannot even go to gay bars, how do I let other girls know that I am a lesbian and how do I get them to notice me?

Lezjourney

Oh I do like to be a femme. Wearing dresses, enjoying chick-flicks, and my great love of clothes shopping, oh and being completely ignored by all the hot ‘not femme’ lesbians that attract my attention all too often. While I’ll admit there are definitely advantages to said femme appearance: the afore mentioned points and the ability to fly under the gay radar should I ever want to, but the downfalls… oh the downfalls.

In a lot of ways I’m pretty damn ‘gay’, I could re-watch The L Word until every last lesbian has U-hauled their way into the depths of the most homophobic village in Russia. My all-time favourite movies include Blue Is the Warmest Color, But I’m A Cheerleader and Vicky Christina Barcelona – while the last one isn’t necessarily considered an LGBT movie, it’s got some hot girl on girl action, and hello Penelope Cruz anyone?

As much…

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Alone.

Sometimes I feel so incredibly alone. like there is no one that i can talk to. I don’t have anyone i can call up in the middle of the night just because i needed someone to talk to. And I know that this is my fault. I have a way of pushing people away. But sometimes i just need someone to call me, not to ask a favor, not to ask about some assignment due for school, but just to talk to me. To ask how i am doing. Sometimes I just need a hug. And i just realized that i have no one.
I am not a happy, bubbly and funny person. I am a very quiet person until you get to know me. I am not the person who will go up to talk to you, even if i am dying to, because I don’t know how to start a conversation.
But I am also the kind of person who will smile at everyone. Even if I am hurting really badly inside, I will try my best to be there for you. Sometimes I just need someone to be there for me.
I need someone to see through my fake smiles to see that i am hurting and that I am not fine and give me a hug. But at the same time I do not want to burden anyone with my problems and so for now, i’ll stay quiet and try to deal with my issues on my own.

And the bubble bursts.

Sometimes you feel like you have found it. Found the perfect person who understands you and will be there for you. You feel like this person is the best and you can tell them anything. And I am not talking about a boyfriend/girlfriend. Just a friend. And then this person goes and does something and then you realise you were just fooling yourself and this person and you could probably never be friends with this person because it was just a fantasy you made up in your head and then it all comes crashing down.

I don’t know why but this tends to happen way too often with me. Maybe it’s because I trust people way too easily. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t trust someone I do anyways because I believe that people are good and they wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. Or at least I used to believe this. Nowadays I feel that people do hurt you and not everyone is as nice as they seem.  So I just distance myself from people. I don’t know if that’s the solution but that’s what seems like the best (and the worst) option to me.

That feeling…

I feel like I am sinking. i just want someone to come and give me a big hug and just stay with me all day. I just want someone to be there. I feel like I am drowning but I don’t know why.

The walls keep you in…

Today was one of those days, when nothings feel right. Anything you do, you just feel like crap. It seems that lately everyday has become one of those days. I don’t know what is wrong. I just know that something is. I just feel really lonely, like no one gets me. Since I came to this school, its been really weird. My friends here don’t ‘get’ me. As a result I end up just keeping quiet and not saying anything. I am such a talkative person, it literally kills me to keep quiet and never say anything. And so I just hide myself from the people here. I just keep adding bricks to the wall I’ve built around me. I hide myself so that I don’t get hurt.

When I left my old school, I dint tell anyone I was leaving. Grade 10 got over, we had vacations and then grade 11 started. Only, I dint go back to that school. People talked about it for a few days. A few people messaged to ask where I was. And then life moved on. All those people who claimed to be my ‘best friends’ dint even bother to keep in touch. Trust me, I tried. It hurt me a lot but I just decided that I was not going to let that bother me. I thought it would be different here. And sure, its different but I don’t really know if its better. In my old school, I had friends who I talked to everyday and with whom I had all my classes. I had been with the same people for around 8 years. Here I am just an outsider. I have friends but I am not me around them. I know this whole thing seems really whiny and stupid. But it is really important for me.

And of course, the fact that I am not ‘out of the closet’ is so annoying. I know I keep saying this but I don’t know what to do. Who should I come out to and how? Sometimes I just feel like telling a bunch of people and telling them to spread it around, which might be a really stupid idea. But I am desperate! Anyways, I feel like coming out will be a step towards being me. And letting people see me as I am.

I really really need to start talking more in school. That’s really going to be my new goal in life (for now)!

On a side note – I think I am going to start identifying as a lesbian and not bisexual. I really thought about it a lot and I realised that I am really not into guys (at least solved one puzzle!).