Okay so I move back to college on the 26th of August and I’m so excited!!! I’ve been waiting for this day so (im)patiently and I can’t wait! Just about 20 more days. But this month is going to be really busy and I have to sort out some stuff before I leave and so here’s my list –
- Finish the work my mom’s given me (content writing, social media stuff etc.)
- Finish my Coursera course so I don’t have to juggle it with school work once I go back.
- Meet some friends (not from college) that I haven’t met yet or haven’t met enough this summer.
- Pack for college! Organize stuff and decide what I want to take or not take.
- Finish work for the art commission I have pending.
- Decide on courses, timetable and what I want to major in!
- Spend some time with my sister.
- Read at least a couple more books.
- Turn 19! Now this isn’t something I have to do but something that’s like going to happen very soon! Like on the 23rd! And I’m kinda excited 🙂
That’s it for now but this is going to be quite a month! Just marking off day on my calendar till the 26th!
This post is probably going to be Too Much Information (TMI) but here goes anyway.
Last month, I started taking a contraceptive pill mainly cuz it also works as a medication for PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) also. So the first couple of days were fine and then the side effects started! So I started having medication for side effects too. Basically two pills a day and eventually after a really rough patch, it got okay. Now I’ve finished the first cycle of pills but my period hasn’t started yet and it’s damn annoying!
I also have to start my other medication for PCOS so eventually I’ll have to eat like 8 pills a day and I’m terrified cuz I hate swallowing pills. And my entire body system is just so fucked up with the medicines and everything right now and I’m just really cranky okay bye.
I have realized that I don’t like kids very much. But I have learned one thing from my 5 year old cousin sister who I’m spending the week with. It’s okay to ask for help. It sounds a little random but yes.
She needs water but an’t reach the bottle, she’ll ask me to help. If she can’t switch on something or whatever, she doesn’t hesitate to ask for help!
I know that the things we need help with as we grow older are different and more serious (though to the 5 year old, I’m sure getting water is serious business too!), but it’s still okay. Nowadays we are so often taught that we have to do EVERYTHING on our own! I mean doing things on your own is good, it’s great to be independent but it’s also okay to ask for help when you need it.
Personally, sometimes I find it hard to deal with stuff on my own. Sometimes my mental health doesn’t allow me to do everything on my own. A few times I’ve even had to ask my roommate to get me food because I haven’t been able to do it myself (and she’s done it happily!) and it’s okay.
So basically, my learning from this is it’s okay to ask for help. When you’re having a panic attack and can’t deal yourself, call a friend. If you ask someone to do something for you or help you with something, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. However, you gotta be there to help others too.
Note to self – Stop feeling so guilty about asking for help.
Learning, still learning all this myself.
It’s unbelievable how many of us shared the same background music at some point in our lives. Screaming our hearts out to songs like ‘numb’ and ‘leave out all the rest’.
Chester Bennington, Linkin Park singer, died yesterday at the age of 41. And honestly, I feel irrationally sad about it. I almost can’t believe it! Linkin park was such a huge part of my early teen years, it’s hard to imagine a band member dying.
Somehow, everyone I know had a Linkin park phase at some point. One of my cousins and I never used to get along too much but Linkin park was one of the things we bonded over. Linkin Park was my go-to when I wanted to shut out the world for a bit. Just a week or two back, I was reminiscing and listening to their song ‘numb’ again and laughing about how I felt I could relate even when I was like 13.
The fact that his death was a suicide makes it so much harder to accept for some reason. Okay I really don’t have much to say beyond this right now but I know that I do want to spend some time listening to my old Linkin Park favorites.
you had your own life long before I came
and i know there’ll be others after I leave.
many others, i suppose, to make you forget i was there
but for a while, just for a little while
you were mine to call home
i know that you have your own life
and i barely left a mark (except that spot, do you remember?
it’s meant to be a secret you see)
but the warmth you gave me
the assurance that you’re there
the address that i could give people
when they asked where home was
i buried secrets in hidden corners of you
secrets I couldn’t bare to deal with but I knew you’d keep
empty alcohol bottles I know I wont forget
nights and days and nights when you kept me company
as i tried to hide from the world
I knew i could always come home to you
i’m almost a little angry at you, you see
after a year together, you decide its over?
(i’m sorry i know it’s not a choice you made)
but wait, somehow anger doesn’t feel like the right word
or even the right emotion?
lonely, happy, sad, elated, confused, you saw it all
how can i just reduce it to anger
i think nostalgia fits a little better
i miss what was my home for a year,
but I guess it’s time to move on?
I’m not ready
Okay I know this is going to sound really weird but this is actually about my freshman dorm room. It’s the only place that felt like home and comfortable this past year and I don’t know, I just started thinking and this came pouring out.
I EARNED MONEY BY SELLING MY ART FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Okay so I made an Instagram account to try and get some money through selling some art stuff. And so I got my first job which was to make a painting of this person’s cat! It was such a cute cat (even though I usually don’t particularly like cats) and I’m getting paid 60$ for it!!! In Indian currency, thats a lot of money!
And honestly, it feels so good and I feel incredibly validated rn haha~
I have one more commission and I’ve started work on it so maybe I’ll get that done soon too. Let’s see how it goes. This is so exciting for me because I’m finally actually doing major art stuff and it feels kind of nice.
Also, here’s my art insta if anyone wants to see! (sorry, self promo :P)
So like June, I’ve decided to make a list of July goals! I love pretending to be this person who is so sorted and has monthly goals and ahh I feel very cool so here goes –
- Paint a lot!!! Finish at least 3 projects and start on something with the paper cups I collected.
- Bangalore Trip! Try to meet my history prof and chill with the fam.
- Read at least three books.
- Watch at least 3-4 movies I’ve been planning to watch for very long.
- Write more.
- GO TO THE GYM.
- Be regular with medication.
- Keep journalling.
- Meet friends – GS, Div and Adi and maybe Pai.
- Do something I find challenging.
Okay so this is it for July I guess. It’s a pretty chill month and I’m quite excited!!! And to be honest, I’ve done a bunch of stuff already. Watched two movies, spend a week travelling with fam and reading a little bit.
Blue says say thank you instead of sorry which makes sense because gratitude is better than guilt but they both start with G so maybe I get confused because all I seem to be able to say is sorry sorry sorry.
Even when I can’t breathe and I can’t talk the only think I seem to be able to say is sorry it almost feels like guilt is my default it’s always my fault that’s what I’ve learnt all my life my mom can’t be wrong about this.
Spent many years not talking but when I did start talking somehow it always felt like I should sit up like no one wants to hear the shit you say like no one cares so sorry if I’m bothering you sorry I talk too much sorry I got excited sorry.
Somehow I still keep apologising for things that happened in April and it’s been three months but the guilt refuses to leave so I text in the middle of the night and say sorry but then I feel the need for saying sorry for saying sorry and you see this could go on forever.
“Don’t say sorry” Oh okay sorry!
I have been making plans. About posts I want to write. Posts about trips I went on, things I did, movies I watched, books I read. But somehow I can’t get myself to write. So I ignore writing completely.
I’ve been painting a little bit. I like it. I’m trying new stuff. I’m failing but I’m also learning. I think I’m okay with not getting the results I want with my paints because I’m always creating something. Something is better than nothing.
People ask me how I am. I don’t know how to answer.
I want to be the kind of person who casually says stuff like “Hope the weather is treating you nice” and “more grieving together, crying together, laughing together. more trips to the forest”.
It astounds me how much I am like my father. I don’t want to be. My mother hates it.
I will stop talking. I will not say anything no matter how much it bothers me. I cannot deal with the things my mother says in return.
Starbucks is so fucking overpriced, I need to stop spending money.
Some things just need to be thrown away. Don’t store things thinking of memories which you know ill hurt you later. But maybe don’t throw them away completely, just put them away?
Trust you instincts. When you feel that there’s something off about the way she talks to you and treats you, listen to yourself. Be careful. Trust yourself, you’re the only one who will take care of you. Something is off about this situation, please be careful and don’t get you heart broken. It’s not worth it.
You are doing okay. You’re learning to do it all on your own. You’re dealing. It’s okay to fuck up (just don’t tell her?).
It’s a weird feeling. The feeling when you know it’s over and you’re ready to move on. I mean like sometimes you have friends who are still in your life and you’re glad they are, but they’re not your everything. Like if they were to hate you, you could easily get yourself to not care.
So for me, I get very attached to friends. So I had a bunch of poetry up on my table written by friends from school and I refused to take it down. Today tho, I was cleaning my table and cupboard and I had no issue with taking them down. That’s when I realised I’d moved on. It was a such a great feeling cuz that means I will never do anything for their aproval again. I really am over high school.
Usually when these people come into town, I really want to meet them. But this summer, I couldn’t care less. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to meet, but I won’t force it. I’ll make plans and if it works out, great! If it doesn’t, okay. I mean if it doesn’t that would probably mean that our friendship is pretty much fading but idk what’s meant to be will be.
I’m just in a very que sera, sera mood right now.