So apparently, I’m now a sorted-in-life type of person who has monthly goals and what not! Anyway, here goes –
- Go to the gym 25 out of 30 days.
- Make at least 2-3 paintings (mixed feeling about this one but I think i’ll save that for another post).
- Read at least 5 books.
- Post at least 15 blog posts (I genuinely just need and want to write more. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of just like idk not talking about stuff and blogging helps me vent so much so yeah).
- Meet up with at least 5 friends (Note to self – social isolation is not good for you, you idiot).
- Keep doing the Korean course. (so I did a thing that is I started learning Korean online and I always abandon these kinds of projects of mine but agh I really want to do this so I’m going to do this!)
- Start journaling and paying more attention to my black notebook! Like wtf why am I neglecting this when it actually makes me feel better!???
- Okay I don’t really have an 8th point but I hate ending on an odd number so umm anyway bye!
I was going through my old emails today. From 2013. Okay I wasn’t just going through old emails, I specifically searched up her name to read the emails.
I do this sometimes. Search up her name on Google and read the articles that come up about the terrorist attack that killed her, about the amazing work she used to be as an NGO worker, about her life. Martha was a phenomenal woman, so passionate about the work she did and so kind and compassionate.
In may 2015, she was in Kabul for some work where she was killed in a terrorist attack. I fucking miss her so much sometimes. I know that what I feel is nothing compared to what her husband and children feel and I’m so sorry about that.
I actually write about her on this blog every Easter, cuz she and I shared a special Easter tradition. I don’t want to go into it right now but I miss her so much. As a young teenager, she was the one of the very few people who made me feel like what I was saying was important. She used to write me such thoughtful emails and answer all my questions as I inquired about her PHD and her children and the world. In return she’d ask me about school and my relationship with my sister and and tell me all her travel stories. She made me feel worth something.
She used to often tell me that we should meet but we never did end up meeting. The last time I met her, I must have been in grade 3 or 4. I wish I had met her just once. One of those many times she said we should plan something.
I just really miss her so much. I don’t know why today. The patience with which she spoke to me over emails, her kindness, I don’t think Ill ever forget that.
(I miss you, Martha aunty. I miss you so much. I really want to email you right now, talk like we used to. Please? I want to tell you about college and how much I love it and hate it. I want to tell you that I’ve been learning about gender and I want to read some of your work. I want to know what you have been up to. I really just want to talk to you. Just one last time, please?)
Here is the link to the foundation set up in her memory – http://www.marthafarrellfoundation.org/
So this is my third post from this series. The first was about general leanings from freshman year. The second was about learning things about relationships. And now the third is about myself so let’s see how this goes~
- I am going through major mental health issues which I am no longer afraid to deal with. Therapy used to seem like an impossible thing. But I’ve finally realized that it’s something I can deal with.
- I’m lot less academically smart than I thought and that’s okay. I used to think I was smart. Not the smartest but like the second level smart. Which was true till high school but it’s not anymore. I’m going to be very honest and say that I haven’t done very well academically this past year but that’s okay, I’m dealing.
- I am very good at doing things on my own. The thought of eating alone inn high school gave me shivers but I can confidently say that that no longer bothers me. I have dinner alone often and it’s actually quite nice! I also go on trips to Delhi on my own sometimes and they’re pretty great!
- I am very messy. I think a large part of my room being clean used to be because of my sister!
- I am a mess. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t even know what I want to major in (psych? literature?). But I guess I’ll figure that out over the next semester?
- I like attention. I love it actually. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I also hate attention. Like don’t look at me and ignore my existence. So um yeah I’m still trying to figure this one out.
- I love very easily. I guess I already knew this but now I’m fully sure that this is true. Again, idk if this is good or bad. Actually, I don’t know if it has to be good or bad, it just is.
- I am more than my mental disorders. Honestly, still trying to fully grasp this one but yes.
Again, I’m sure i’m missing stuff but yes this is it for now! I’ll think of more stuff to write in this series. Maybe I’ll do one about what I learned from my classes? Oh and I want to do one about what the didi who does the cleaning taught me (not to self – have to come up for a fake name for her cuz confidentiality!?). Anyway, that’s all for now.
So I decided that I’m going to make a list of goals for the summer so I don’t fall into my usual depressed summer routine where I just sleep and wallow for the entire fucking day. (Keeping busy is a good way to beat mental illness, right!?? RIGHT!?)
- Art! Draw, paint, try new mediums, explore what you can do! I really want to work on my art this summer because I know I don’t get too much time during the college year (poor time management! :/). So hopefully, I’ll get a substantial amount of stuff done cuz I wanna redo my portfolio.
- Journal + notebook. So I have a black notebook in which I right all the things I love, other people’s writings. So I want to work on that more. Basically just write more in it. And I want to start journal-ing properly. My writings, my thoughts, my art. Let’s see how this goes!
- Internship. Not much to say here, I have an internship that starts Monday so that’ll keep my days busy.
- Gym. I wanna get fit. So I’ve joined a gym and my aim is to go regularly and get into a good rhythm.
- READ. I wanna read so many books. Like I genuinely have such a long list and I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I hate that I’ve almost stopped reading and I’m going to start again.
- Meet friends and just keep in touch with people. Being at home is hard. The only way for me to keep okay is to keep connected with my friends and I’m going to do this. I’m not going to get sucked into a stupid dark place again like I usually do in the summers.
- Relax. I need to relax and chill before next semester starts!
Okay, I think that’s it. I feel like I’m missing out on some stuff but idk so this is it for now! 🙂
Today was a good day in terms of doing things. Met up with two friends. Hung out with family including my dog. Had ice cream and pizza.
But honestly, I feel like I barely made it through today. It was a bad day. It was a very difficult day and it felt like I couldn’t get through it. But I did. And I’m going to sleep now and I’ll try again tomorrow.
I think I’ve mentioned that this past semester, I was going for therapy once a week at college. And honestly, it was helping. But then vacations started and I’m at home now which means no more therapy. And also, there’s going to be a new therapist when I go back cuz the one I was seeing last sem left.
So it’s kinda confusing. The thing is, I’ve never had proper therapy before so I don’t know how this is supposed to go, I don’t know if it was helping or not, she didn’t give me any diagnosis or anything and idk really. I was just doing it cuz I didn’t know what else to do. And honestly, I plan on continuing next sem cuz it did help a little, talking about things I’ve never said out loud before and what not.
I just wish I could continue therapy over the summer but I can’t because it would involve TOO much lying and sneaking out and it’s too fucking expensive.
Another thing is about medication. People keep asking me if i’m on meds but I’m not and everyone tells me I should talk to the doc about it but honestly, idk if I want to. Firstly, it’s too expensive. Secondly, a lot of lying and sneaking around family. And lastly, the adjustment period for psych meds is terrible and idk if I’m up for all that specially cuz I have to deal with it all on my own
But anyway, that’s the update on that front, let’s see how the summer goes! (CANNOT WAIT FOR COLLEGE TO REOPEN!)
(Wow why is the title is so long!?)
So as I mentioned in my previous post, I am going to be writing a series of what I learned about _______ in my freshman year and so here’s one about relationships. And by relationships I mean, both, friendships and romantic relationships. Now, trust me, I fucked up a lot so here’s some stuff I learned (or am still learning tbh) –
- Don’t force it. This has to be number one learning! Yes, put effort in your relationships but don’t force it. If it’s meant to happen, it will. You shouldn’t feel like your effort isn’t being reciprocated. (This is v important for me cuz I’m the type of person who gets stuck on things, even things that don’t work).
- Relationships get made without you realizing it. Over pancakes in the middle of the night, over panic attacks, on the bridge listening to Katy Perry, over having “alternate” sexualities, anything really!
- It is so important to have a good roommate relationship. You’re going to be living with this person for the entire year, so might as well be nice and have a comfortable situation. I’m so lucky that my roommate and I get along so well that we are rooming together next year too!
- Sometimes space is important. For you and the other person. Give it time. It’ll be okay.
- Don’t let anyone give you shit for your relationships as long as you’re happy with your decisions. Honestly, whether it’s a friends with benefits relationship, or a serious “I’ll someday marry you” relationship, don’t let anyone shame you for it!
- Form relationships/friendships/whatever with your seniors. Honestly, they can be so amazing and helpful in you getting through college. They know all the coll hangout places and what to do and what not to. And really, they can become great friends (again, i’m so fucking lucky! my seniors are the absolute best!).
- Different friends have different roles to play in your life. Some friends will be there to make you laugh and to chill with, others will be there when you need to cry/vent. It’s unfair to expect everything from just one person.
- Giving people paper cranes is a good way to make friends. Trust me. (just a warning though – it is a little random and might confuse people?)
- Food helps you bond with people. Enough said about this one.
- oh my god just trust me but friendships and relationships and people save you and help you save yourself ahhh they are so nice and pure and lovely and i love making friends wow but also be careful and take your time but yeah okay thanks.
That’s pretty much it. Wow I’m feeling so wise!
Pls to share your “things I learned” in the comments?
Okay so I genuinely learned so much about life this year. First year of college was exciting and scary and I made it through and along the way I learned a few (a lot) of things and so here goes –
- It’s okay to ask for help. This is probably the most important thing I learned this year and I’m still learning to accept it tbh.
- How to use the manual laundry machine! Yes omg thanks to my wonderful roommate who after fucking up a few times, learned how to use the machine and taught me so I never have to hand-wash my stuff again!
- Going to classes is sort of important. And keeping track of the number of classes you’ve missed is important too! (otherwise you’ll probably get a bad grade and regret not going to class more.)
- Talk to your professors!!! This one is so fucking important. They are human beings and they will understand if you explain why you’re unable to do something or need help or whatever.
- Making paper cranes for people is a good idea. It makes people happy and making people happy makes me happy.
- Talk to lots of people. You don’t know who you’ll connect with and where that could go! Honestly, the number of friends I’ve made in the most random of ways is astounding.
- Sign up for cool things such as a peer mentor-ship program! I have such a cool mentor, I am so lucky!
- It’s okay to be silly sometimes. Actually, it’s great! Be silly, let it out. Don’t think too much about what other people will think.
- Work hard. Honestly, you just have to!
- The bridge is a good place to hang out, cry, have dance parties etc. But honestly, if you’re not feeling good, don’t go alone.
Okay this list could go on forever so maybe I’ll make a mini series out of it? I’m thinking I’ll do another one about things I learned about myself and then one about love and one about classes or whatever. Lets see! Also, please share college wisdom in the comments so I can learn more? 🙂
Okay so this is something I’ve been avoiding talking about and I’m still not gonna go into much detail. (But yeah I will be writing about it in the next few days but anyway back to the point of this post.)
The thing is, I’ve been having really bad panic attacks this past semester. And I’m really working on it, I’ve been going to therapy v regularly and everything. But yeah, it’s been quite bad. Like ranging from 1 to 5 a day. So bad that sometimes I can’t even walk and just have to sit down on the floor in classrooms, in corridors, in the mess, basically wherever. And often times I’m even unable to sit through classes and often just walk out. Thankfully, my profs have been quite understanding about it.
So anyway, my point is, I’m so lucky to be surrounded by such caring people. I’ve had people who I’ve never spoken to come sit next to me and hold my hand and get me water and just sit with me. I’ve had friends come to me all the way from the other end of campus. I’ve had people get me my stuff and share notes. I’ve had people buy me nimbu paani and give me their water bottles and read stuff out for me. I’ve had people coming to find me on the bridge in the night when they know I’m not doing very okay. I’ve had friends skip (shitty) parties and just sit with me. And I’m so fucking grateful. And so lucky to have these people around me. I’ve genuinely made so many friends like this. People just noticing when I’m not okay and just being kind and helping me and just holding my hand through the rough bits and reminding me to breathe. I don’t know, maybe this is why I say that I’ve found home?
Yesterday, I went out to this very fancy restaurant with a couple of my high school friends and it was wonderful!
One of my friends from college has a band and they perform a lot at college. This was their first gig in the city and I wanted to go to support her. A lot of people from college were there and the entire place was extremely crowded but it was great!
So Shivz and Nanya, my friends from high school were back in town and so I invited them to come with me and they agreed. SO we reached the place around 9 and stayed till about 11. The band was amazing and it was such a pleasant evening. I didn’t even feel the need to snapchat my life! I know that sounds stupid but I was just so in the moment that I didn’t even want to record it or anything. (I got my friend to take a snapchat tho cuz another friend of mine wanted to see!)
I ran into a lot of college people and a few of them stopped by to chat. I had one very unusual conversation with a girl from college that I had never spoken to before. So she just randomly comes up to me and starts talking to me. After a couple of minutes, I ask her if she even knows my name because I was beyond confused as to how come she was talking to me! But yeah, it was really nice!
I met my friend who was performing before and after her performance and I was so glad I went. She’s such a nice and super super talented person. I am also really glad I went because I got to see so many familiar faces that I won’t be seeing for three months and some I might not be seeing ever again cuz they’re graduating!
It was also great catching up with Shivz and Nanya cuz I hadn’t met Shivz in about 5 months and Nanya in like 8/9 months. All in all, it was such a great evening, one of the best I’ve had in a while!
(I use a lot of exclamation points, hmmmm)