It’s my 19th birthday today! Can you believe it!? I’ve been alive for 19 years! That’s probably like 1/4th my life!
My sister made me a cake and I’m going to go out for dinner with the fam and that’s pretty much it. (19 is such a filler year! 18 and 20 and both milestone birthdays and poor 19 just stuck in the middle!)
So anyway, here’s me doing some thinking and introspection and writing a totally cliched list of 19 things I’ve learn at 19 –
- Home can be multiple places/people/feeling etc. It doesn’t have to be just one physical place and the concept is confusing but it’s okay. You’ll figure it out, don’t stress over it.
- Mental health comes before everything. If your mental health is suffering, everything will suffer. Take a break. Get help. It gets better (told you it’s gonna be cliched).
- Friends are important but it’s also important to pick your friends carefully. Find people you feel good around, people who are there for you even when there’s nothing in it for them. And be there for them.
- There are kind people in the world! So many of them and I promise you, you will find them.
- Friendships formed on the internet can actually be amazing.
- Put yourself out there. Do things that scare you. This is actually one of my daily goals at college. To just do one slightly scary thing. It makes you feel like you did something.
- Eat more pizza. Eat more cake. And pasta. But the gym won’t hurt once in a while either. It’s so important to stay healthy and take care of your body.
- Just like drink water!!! Water is amazing. I love water. (Sorry, I know I sound crazy!) But genuinely, keeping yourself hydrated is soo good and it makes me feel great.
- Take lots of photos. This is something I’ve learnt over this past year. Take a lot of pictures. And keep them all. Even the “bad” ones. Some day, you’ll want them.
- TRAVEL. As much as you can! It makes you (meaning me) happy! So happy!
- Don’t spent time thinking about or caring about people who don’t give a shit about you. It just hurts you in the end and it’s not worth it.
- It’s okay to be angry and upset but don’t let it poison you. Let it go. Forgiving can take time but don’t let you anger get to a point where it hurts you.
- Take out time to do the little things that matter to you. Draw, blog, whatever. It’s refresh you and you’ll be back at acing life in no time.
- Cry. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do. It’s okay. Ride it out. It’ll blow over. I promise, you’ll be okay.
- Your mom is human. Yes, she fucked up. And yes, you ended up hurt, a lot. And I’m not saying forgive and forget everything. But just try to understand that she is human too. Sh’es going through a hard time too. Be there for her (though not at the expense of your own well being).
- If the bridge feels too scary, especially when you’re alone and feeling extremely stupid, call a friend. They’ll be glad you called them, you will be too.
- Writing helps so much. Just write, okay?
- You know that excitement everyone says that they see in your eyes? Please don’t let it fade, please. It’s the only thing keeping you alive, even if you’re faking it at times.
- I love myself. Took a long time for me to get here but here I am. (To self – You are good and kind. You fuck up too but you’re learning. I love you)
Wow okay that’s it! I really stuck to my word about how this was going to be damn cliche! But yes, happy birthday to me! 🙂
Okay so this is my attempt at recounting everything that happened or I did this summer so when I read this 10 years later, I can recall stuff. Here goes –
- Slept a lot.
- Went to the gym semi-regularly.
- Did a 2 month long internship.
- Went to Shimla.
- Went to Agra.
- Went to Bangalore.
- Painted a lot and set up my art account on Instagram.
- Read books (not as many as I would have liked but still).
- Met friends from high school.
- Decided my major and minor.
- Watched movies.
- Wrote a little.
- Spent some time with my sister.
- Did a 4 course specialization on Coursera.
- Worked for my mom’s organisation and helped her with some projects.
- Translated a TED talk from English to Hindi (you can volunteer to translate videos for them!).
- Set up my LinkedIn profile.
- Read poetry.
- Started making some small jewelry.
- Did origami.
- Was patient with myself and my mental health.
- Started taking medication for my PCOS (and it’s currently fucking with my system – at least till I’m used to the meds)
- Met up with a bunch of relatives, including two of my baby cousins.
- Missed my roommate a lot!
- Started Journal-ing regularly.
- Stopped Journal-ing regularly (I promise I’ll start again).
- Planned for the next semester.
- Came out as bisexual to my sister (tho I don’t know if bisexual is the write word for me but still).
- Sold some art stuff and earned money!
- Made a huge effort to not wallow in my mental illness (it’s so easy to do that in the summer when you don’t have work).
I’m actually quite proud of myself for what I’ve done this summer. Might not be amazing stuff but it was amazing for me. It had it’s bad moments but I’m choosing to ignore them for now.
Note to self – Eat more pizza before you go back to college.
Okay so I move back to college on the 26th of August and I’m so excited!!! I’ve been waiting for this day so (im)patiently and I can’t wait! Just about 20 more days. But this month is going to be really busy and I have to sort out some stuff before I leave and so here’s my list –
- Finish the work my mom’s given me (content writing, social media stuff etc.)
- Finish my Coursera course so I don’t have to juggle it with school work once I go back.
- Meet some friends (not from college) that I haven’t met yet or haven’t met enough this summer.
- Pack for college! Organize stuff and decide what I want to take or not take.
- Finish work for the art commission I have pending.
- Decide on courses, timetable and what I want to major in!
- Spend some time with my sister.
- Read at least a couple more books.
- Turn 19! Now this isn’t something I have to do but something that’s like going to happen very soon! Like on the 23rd! And I’m kinda excited 🙂
That’s it for now but this is going to be quite a month! Just marking off day on my calendar till the 26th!
This post is probably going to be Too Much Information (TMI) but here goes anyway.
Last month, I started taking a contraceptive pill mainly cuz it also works as a medication for PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) also. So the first couple of days were fine and then the side effects started! So I started having medication for side effects too. Basically two pills a day and eventually after a really rough patch, it got okay. Now I’ve finished the first cycle of pills but my period hasn’t started yet and it’s damn annoying!
I also have to start my other medication for PCOS so eventually I’ll have to eat like 8 pills a day and I’m terrified cuz I hate swallowing pills. And my entire body system is just so fucked up with the medicines and everything right now and I’m just really cranky okay bye.
I have realized that I don’t like kids very much. But I have learned one thing from my 5 year old cousin sister who I’m spending the week with. It’s okay to ask for help. It sounds a little random but yes.
She needs water but an’t reach the bottle, she’ll ask me to help. If she can’t switch on something or whatever, she doesn’t hesitate to ask for help!
I know that the things we need help with as we grow older are different and more serious (though to the 5 year old, I’m sure getting water is serious business too!), but it’s still okay. Nowadays we are so often taught that we have to do EVERYTHING on our own! I mean doing things on your own is good, it’s great to be independent but it’s also okay to ask for help when you need it.
Personally, sometimes I find it hard to deal with stuff on my own. Sometimes my mental health doesn’t allow me to do everything on my own. A few times I’ve even had to ask my roommate to get me food because I haven’t been able to do it myself (and she’s done it happily!) and it’s okay.
So basically, my learning from this is it’s okay to ask for help. When you’re having a panic attack and can’t deal yourself, call a friend. If you ask someone to do something for you or help you with something, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. However, you gotta be there to help others too.
Note to self – Stop feeling so guilty about asking for help.
Learning, still learning all this myself.
It’s unbelievable how many of us shared the same background music at some point in our lives. Screaming our hearts out to songs like ‘numb’ and ‘leave out all the rest’.
Chester Bennington, Linkin Park singer, died yesterday at the age of 41. And honestly, I feel irrationally sad about it. I almost can’t believe it! Linkin park was such a huge part of my early teen years, it’s hard to imagine a band member dying.
Somehow, everyone I know had a Linkin park phase at some point. One of my cousins and I never used to get along too much but Linkin park was one of the things we bonded over. Linkin Park was my go-to when I wanted to shut out the world for a bit. Just a week or two back, I was reminiscing and listening to their song ‘numb’ again and laughing about how I felt I could relate even when I was like 13.
The fact that his death was a suicide makes it so much harder to accept for some reason. Okay I really don’t have much to say beyond this right now but I know that I do want to spend some time listening to my old Linkin Park favorites.
you had your own life long before I came
and i know there’ll be others after I leave.
many others, i suppose, to make you forget i was there
but for a while, just for a little while
you were mine to call home
i know that you have your own life
and i barely left a mark (except that spot, do you remember?
it’s meant to be a secret you see)
but the warmth you gave me
the assurance that you’re there
the address that i could give people
when they asked where home was
i buried secrets in hidden corners of you
secrets I couldn’t bare to deal with but I knew you’d keep
empty alcohol bottles I know I wont forget
nights and days and nights when you kept me company
as i tried to hide from the world
I knew i could always come home to you
i’m almost a little angry at you, you see
after a year together, you decide its over?
(i’m sorry i know it’s not a choice you made)
but wait, somehow anger doesn’t feel like the right word
or even the right emotion?
lonely, happy, sad, elated, confused, you saw it all
how can i just reduce it to anger
i think nostalgia fits a little better
i miss what was my home for a year,
but I guess it’s time to move on?
I’m not ready
Okay I know this is going to sound really weird but this is actually about my freshman dorm room. It’s the only place that felt like home and comfortable this past year and I don’t know, I just started thinking and this came pouring out.
I EARNED MONEY BY SELLING MY ART FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Okay so I made an Instagram account to try and get some money through selling some art stuff. And so I got my first job which was to make a painting of this person’s cat! It was such a cute cat (even though I usually don’t particularly like cats) and I’m getting paid 60$ for it!!! In Indian currency, thats a lot of money!
And honestly, it feels so good and I feel incredibly validated rn haha~
I have one more commission and I’ve started work on it so maybe I’ll get that done soon too. Let’s see how it goes. This is so exciting for me because I’m finally actually doing major art stuff and it feels kind of nice.
Also, here’s my art insta if anyone wants to see! (sorry, self promo :P)
So like June, I’ve decided to make a list of July goals! I love pretending to be this person who is so sorted and has monthly goals and ahh I feel very cool so here goes –
- Paint a lot!!! Finish at least 3 projects and start on something with the paper cups I collected.
- Bangalore Trip! Try to meet my history prof and chill with the fam.
- Read at least three books.
- Watch at least 3-4 movies I’ve been planning to watch for very long.
- Write more.
- GO TO THE GYM.
- Be regular with medication.
- Keep journalling.
- Meet friends – GS, Div and Adi and maybe Pai.
- Do something I find challenging.
Okay so this is it for July I guess. It’s a pretty chill month and I’m quite excited!!! And to be honest, I’ve done a bunch of stuff already. Watched two movies, spend a week travelling with fam and reading a little bit.
Blue says say thank you instead of sorry which makes sense because gratitude is better than guilt but they both start with G so maybe I get confused because all I seem to be able to say is sorry sorry sorry.
Even when I can’t breathe and I can’t talk the only think I seem to be able to say is sorry it almost feels like guilt is my default it’s always my fault that’s what I’ve learnt all my life my mom can’t be wrong about this.
Spent many years not talking but when I did start talking somehow it always felt like I should sit up like no one wants to hear the shit you say like no one cares so sorry if I’m bothering you sorry I talk too much sorry I got excited sorry.
Somehow I still keep apologising for things that happened in April and it’s been three months but the guilt refuses to leave so I text in the middle of the night and say sorry but then I feel the need for saying sorry for saying sorry and you see this could go on forever.
“Don’t say sorry” Oh okay sorry!