Father/Dad/???

So it was my birthday recently. And every year on my birthday, I get a card/flowers/cake from my dad. Earlier it used to be just a card but in the more recent years it’s usually been a flowers and a card or flowers and a cake. Sometimes all three!

For background – I haven’t met my dad in 10+ years. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom and back when they were together, he was an alcoholic, abusive asshole.

So anyway, I never really had any desire to go back and talk to him. I just never cared enough. But somehow, lately, since my birthday, I’ve been thinking about him. So every year, members from his family call me to wish me happy birthday and they always say things about how much he misses me etc etc. And honestly, I’m just wondering whether he actually misses me. If he does, why doesn’t he contact me. He had no custody over me or my sis and no visitation rights so he couldn’t till I was 18 but now I’m an adult. He can if he wants to. But he doesn’t.

I wonder whether he tells people about me. Does he tell people that he has two daughters? Or does he just omit us from his life when he talks? Sometimes I wonder if I ask him to pay for some stuff I need, would he? I know he has money, but would he be willing to spend it on me.

Sometimes, I want to send him a note saying “I don’t like cherries and I like plain chocolate cake” because he always sends cake which has cherries on the top.

Has he sorted out his life? Is he sober now? Does he think about me ever? Does he want to talk to me? I think I might be at a place that I’m ready to talk to him if the moment/opportunity occurred. But I don’t know. Me wanting to meet him might upset mom. I don’t know.

I don’t know. I might want to speak to him. I don’t know what about or why but I just I don’t know. I might finally be ready after 10 years.

P.S – Also like I think my biggest problem currently is that I don’t know what to call him! Dad? Father? His name? Whatttt?

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