I should be writing a paper which is due tomorrow at noon right now but I’m doing this instead. But I think it’s okay. Because maybe once I get all this out of my head, I’ll be able to concentrate better?
I am going home soon. I don’t want to. But I really don’t have a choice. I’m a bit scared. If I’m already feeling so terrible at college, it’s definitely going to be worse once I get home. I was supposed to meet a friend tomorrow. I cancelled the plan. Didn’t think I’d be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning. Sometimes I forget how to breathe. Sometimes, I want to stop breathing. I have to go to the academic affairs office at college tomorrow to figure out what happens if you fail a course. I want to smoke. I miss her so much. When did I stop talking to my best friend? How did I let things get so bad for me? I fucked up. I don’t know how to do this. At the end of the day, I have no one. No, don’t get me wrong, I have friends. Good friends. But I will never not feel like a burden on them every time I say anything. I cry a lot these days. I sit and cry on the staircase, in the smoking room, in the atrium, on my bed, outside the art room. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.