Trigger warning – depression, self harm.
(I promise my next post will be a happy one!)
Okay I can’t remember how much I’ve said in the previous posts so I’m going to start from whatever seems relevant.
Over this past week, I’ve attended only one class. I’ve slept in everyday till like 4 in the evening and gotten out of bed only if absolutely necessary. I’ve not done anything productive. I’ve stayed up till 5am doing nothing. And I’ve been feeling horrible. And I’ve been crying a lot. And I can’t handle it anymore.
I cried in front of my RA, I cried in the smoking room in front of a person I barely know, cried alone, in front of friends, basically I’m all over the place. But like yesterday is when I majorly fucked up. I cut a lot. Like 3 times in a day. And my arm has so many cuts and it’s so painful right now. It’s horrible. And I don’t know what to do.
I was talking to my friend from high school who’s here at college with me and we were talking on the phone and I was just crying and I didn’t know what to do or say and I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t even know who to go to or tell or what to do.
I have people. Tea is the sweetest person ever and she’s usually around when I need her but I can’t handle that either. Usually I text her if I need her and when she comes over I immediately start downplaying whatever is bothering me and start laughing about it. And I keep telling her that she shouldn’t be friends with me. And I guess that’s hurtful Idk but I really do mean that. I love her being around and everything but I feel like I’m bothering her too much. Cuz like in all honesty, people get tired of you being sad/tired all the time. And I don’t want her to have to deal with that.
In fact I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me being like this. Sometimes I legitimately feel like maybe I should cut off people from my life for their own good. I’m not easy to be around.
I smoked a cig the other night after ages. I was talking to a guy and he was going to buy a cig so I asked him if he would buy me one and he agreed and so I went to the smoking room and like there were four of us and we were just standing and they all started smoking but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. So finally I said I want to smoke alone so I was standing in one corner and smoking and idk I just started fucking crying. Then the guy came to say bye and saw me crying and gave me a hug and was very sweet. It seems like all I do these days is cry!
Rain is amazing. She’s so sweet and helpful but at the same time I feel bad asking for help so idk.
I have finals this coming week and I haven’t done anything this past week cuz I’ve just not gotten out of bed much tbh. It’s scary. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
A couple of days back, I was speaking to my high school friend SG on the phone. I basically told her that I went to the councillor and she asked if I wanted to talk and I said yes and so she called. And I told her how I was feeling really low and how I hadn’t done much all week and not gotten out of bed and she was really surprised. She asked how come and she said that she thought I was happy. And like I explained that I’ve been feeling like this all month and she asked why and I said I didn’t know. The truth is, to all my high school friends I’ve been saying and pretending to be happy and everything cuz that’s what I need to do and it’s difficult cuz they’re so far away and so it actually doesn’t matter I guess Idk. I miss SG.
Okay I think I’ve ranted long enough.