Warning – unhappy vent post. You can skip reading it if you want.
Yesterday I said things that I’ve never actually said out loud before. Yes I’ve typed them in texts and blog posts but never actually said it.
I had the meeting with the councillor yesterday. It was at 2. I got out of bed at 1 and got ready and went for it. It was scary and she asked a lot of questions. I won’t go into exactly words and stuff but the topics we covered include –
Issues with my mom and family and me wanting to leave. Anxiety. Depression. Self harm. Where my dad is. College. And yeah that’s it I think.
All of them in brief but still it’s a lot. She kept looking at me and it was scary and I didn’t know what to do or say and I was a mess. After my session got over I went to get some food. And then I realised I hadn’t eaten a meal in 24hours. So I had some pasta and spoke to Shivzi for a bit. She is a sweetheart. Then most of the day I was in a really bad headspace and I didn’t say much but then at night I went for a walk with Tea and I spoke about this and a lot and Idk.
I told her about the session in detail. I talked about how I try to keep people happy but it’s difficult for me to keep me happy and a lot of other things. And I spoke about how I treat my problems like a joke. I don’t give them enough importance. Like whenever I talk about depression or anxiety I’m usually laughing or making a joke about it and that’s sort of my defence mechanism but I think I spoke about it seriously last night after a long time. We spoke for about 3 hours. Maybe a little more actually. About a lot of things. Not only this. It was nice. Then we finally decided that maybe we should come back to the dorm and try to sleep or something.
So we came back and said bye and went to our rooms. She lives two rooms away from me. I kept feeling really uneasy and guilty about telling her stuff cuz I don’t want to burden anyone with anything and idk I just felt like it was too much but idk. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep. So finally I texted her saying – it’s not that I’m suicidal or anything but I wouldn’t mind dying – or something along those lines. And then she asked if I was fine and what was up and I didn’t say anything much. And then idk I was typing something but I didn’t send it but she asked me what I was typing so I told her that I was going to say that I fucked up. I was referring to the fact that I came back to my room and cut and it was horrible but anyway. So she came over and sat there and was telling me to sleep but my mind was in overdrive. And I kept saying shit like why are you so nice to me and why are you wasting your time on me and I’m not worth it or something like that. And then I went all like maybe you shouldn’t be friends with me. By this time she’d convinced me to sleep so I said okay I’m sleeping and I made her go sleep too. After that I was in. Ed but idk I kept thinking about how I shouldn’t be friends with my friends.
I don’t know I just constantly feel like I’m burdening them or something. I don’t want them to have to deal with me. I want them to have an out. So it’s simple, I’ll stop talking about my shit. I can deal with it on my own in my own time. I can’t cut ties with them cuz I need to be there for them in case they need me but I’m not going to put my shit on them. I have to learn to be better.
I’m sitting in bed at 4pm writing this and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet except to brush and I haven’t eaten and I bunked all my classes and I haven’t even bathed yet and I have a meeting type thing I need to go for at 5 but I have no motivation. This is my second day of staying in bed all day. Yesterday also I got out of bed only because I had that session otherwise I wouldn’t have. I need to get my life in order.