I have an appointment with the college councillor tomorrow. And inevitably the question of why I’m meeting her will come up. I’m trying to think of a suitable answer.
Maybe I should start with the “daddy issues”? Or maybe the shit with my mom/family? Or would starting with the depression and self harm and anxiety shit be a better idea?
When I put it down like this is when I realise how fucked up I am and tbh, it scares me. I understand why people wouldn’t want to be associated with all this crap and by extension, with me. It’s scary. And it’s a lot. And I’m not sure what to say and what not to say. How much is too much?
I’m a ball of happiness, people tell me. My roomie says that I’m always excited and spreading happiness and have so much energy. And it’s true, I try very hard to do that. But tbh, it’s difficult. Cuz most of that time I’d rather be in bed and under the covers and not have to say a word and just hide but I realise that that’s not possible. So I get up and I pretend. I pretend to be the happiest thing around and I pretend to love myself and think I’m very cute and just be childish and happy cuz otherwise I’d probably just fall apart. If I start thinking about all the NOT happy things then I’m going to lose it. So I’d rather pretend.
And honestly, pretending is just easier cuz I don’t know how much is too much. Too much shit for anyone to handle and want to stick around.