To be honest, it seems that everyone here loves college! And they are happy to be here but for some reason I’m not. Like something doesn’t feel right in some way. I keep thinking whether this is where I want to be. I don’t know.
I like the classes but I’m not motivated enough to go and the same applies for all the clubs and societies. But I’m not going to dwell so much on the not so good part and so moving on the good part.
I was talking to my friends (can you believe that I actually have friends that I actually talk and discuss feelings with!?) and some of them actually said that they feel kinda similar. And they all had their own reasons for feeling like this and it made perfect sense! So one of my friends said that she was feeling really bad here because she wasn’t enough involved with extra curricular things and Rain agreed. For me I know it’s my depression thing and the winter thing is making it worse but I know how to handle it. I know what makes me happy so I just need to tell myself to do it.
So a while back, I bought myself this really pretty black notebook. I bought it back in the summer and I brought it with me to college but I never used it. Till now. A few days back I decided to start writing in it. I like to write. I like notebooks. I like black. And I also like quotes and poetry. So I decided that I’m going to write down all my favorite quotes and poetry in it and make it like my comfort book type thing.
Another thing I like doing is making people happy and spreading love. It sounds naive and cliche but there is way too much hate around and I like love and I want to spread it around. My friends tell me that I love too much and they usually say it in a negative sort of way. But I don’t mind. I want to make people feel happy and sometimes a small thing goes a long way. And making people happy in turn makes me happy so maybe my motives are completely selfish but I don’t know. So on my floor, a friend of mine put up a small pouch with happy notes in it for people to pick and take. I added a couple to it but eventually they got over but now I’ve decided that I’m going to make more. All anonymous of course cuz it’s just nicer that way! The other day, it was a sort of friend’s birthday at college and the night before I had written something in my little black notebook that reminded me of her. So I went for poetry club meeting and I met her there and I don’t know what happened but I just tore out the page and gave it to her and told her that it reminded me of her and she was quite happy and seeing her happy just made my day happy! (other happyish stuff also happened that day but more on that later)
And I’m going to start painting more. I’m going to practice more and try to do more portraits cuz I want to become better at them (reminds me that i need to find people to paint. sometimes i find someone really interesting and i want to paint them but i don’t want to scare them of by sounding creepy!).
Yes, I know this sounds very big and I don’t know how much I can really do but I’m going to try my best. Watch me.
Also, I forgot to mention I think that I cancelled my psychologist appointment last week. I got too scared and I don’t know. Anyway, I rescheduled it for 18th but I have to reschedule AGAIN. Because my sister has an event on 18th that I have to go for. Actually I don’t have to but my mom can’t make it because she has a meeting (nice priorities, right?) so I’m going to go be there for my little child. Wait when did this post become negative again!? Anyway, my point is that I’m rescheduling it for the 25th now I think because I’m at college that weekend so it should be okay! And yes, I’m still terrified of going alone but lets see! This is good! 🙂
PS – sorry this post turned into a huge rant!