Lately I feel as if I don’t have a lot to say or write. Kinda feel like shutting myself off and not letting anyone get too close. It’s weird cuz usually I’m not like this. I like opening up to people and I like being vulnerable to some extent. Basically, I like feelings.
Lately though, I really don’t want to feel anything. I don’t feel like making friends again or doing anything. I just kinda want to stop time and just stay for a while. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Usually I am a huge advocate for opening up and not holding in too many feelings cuz they usually lead to emotional outbursts but I think I’m being a hypocrite cuz I have been doing that myself.
I guess to some extent, the whole “people leave” thing has really started to mean something to me. Way back, till like grade 10 or so, I never let myself get too close to people cuz I was never around people who were like me or liked the things I liked or whatever. But I made friends in the last two years of high school. Good friends. People I’m still in touch with. And for the first time, I opened up and I said what I felt and it felt good. But the thing is, none of them are here anymore. If I’m having a freak out session, I can’t talk to any of those people. And like, that’s okay. I get it. Everyone, including me, is really busy because college so it’s fine. But now it just feels like opening up to anyone would be a waste cuz how long is this going to last anyway?
I feel like a total hypocrite right now cuz I keep telling Tea to open up more and then I write shit like this. But I am trying. The other day I was really upset about some stuff with my mom and I really needed to vent so I finally decided to talk to my friend Rain. (yes I am going to call her Rain. She is very nice. She lives next door to me in my dorm.) I told her a lot without telling too much. Felt good but also felt slightly strange cuz I haven’t spoken to anyone at college like that. It helped tho so that’s good.
To be honest, I feel like it’s all too much sometimes. Like me, I’m too much. And at high school, so much was happening in my life then that I couldn’t keep it anymore and I kinda reached breaking point and had to tell people. But I stitched myself up before college and while things still feel weird in my head, it’s under control. So I feel like telling people is unnecessary but then idk. It’s like I feel that if they know then they won’t want to be around me. Like all they will see is the messed up bits of me. And I don’t want that at all. I just can’t help but feel that if they know then I’ll automatically be seen as a messed up burden or whatever and idk. I’ve never been afraid of revealing my messed up bits so this is all new and confusing. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
Also, I’ve started using the word ‘interesting’ way too much. It’s like my defense mechanism type thing. When I’m unsure as to if I should say a certain thing I just say it’s interesting. My way of being neutral which is stupid and cowardly ugh I hate it. Okay this is turning into a crib fest which is wasn’t meant to be but anyway. Enough ranting for now. I should study. (Or waste time while I pretend to study but whatever)
Oh wait one last thing, I need to call the therapist and schedule an appointment. An actual legit appointment this time. Kinda scared of calling, of going alone and of it all tbh but I have to do it soon. I will do it soon.