Lately I feel as if I don’t have a lot to say or write. Kinda feel like shutting myself off and not letting anyone get too close. It’s weird cuz usually I’m not like this. I like opening up to people and I like being vulnerable to some extent. Basically, I like feelings.

Lately though, I really don’t want to feel anything. I don’t feel like making friends again or doing anything. I just kinda want to stop time and just stay for a while. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Usually I am a huge advocate for opening up and not holding in too many feelings cuz they usually lead to emotional outbursts but I think I’m being a hypocrite cuz I have been doing that myself.

I guess to some extent, the whole “people leave” thing has really started to mean something to me. Way back, till like grade 10 or so, I never let myself get too close to people cuz I was never around people who were like me or liked the things I liked or whatever. But I made friends in the last two years of high school. Good friends. People I’m still in touch with. And for the first time, I opened up and I said what I felt and it felt good. But the thing is, none of them are here anymore. If I’m having a freak out session, I can’t talk to any of those people. And like, that’s okay. I get it. Everyone, including me, is really busy because college so it’s fine. But now it just feels like opening up to anyone would be a waste cuz how long is this going to last anyway?

I feel like a total hypocrite right now cuz I keep telling Tea to open up more and then I write shit like this. But I am trying. The other day I was really upset about some stuff with my mom and I really needed to vent so I finally decided to talk to my friend Rain. (yes I am going to call her Rain. She is very nice. She lives next door to me in my dorm.) I told her a lot without telling too much. Felt good but also felt slightly strange cuz I haven’t spoken to anyone at college like that. It helped tho so that’s good.

To be honest, I feel like it’s all too much sometimes. Like me, I’m too much. And at high school, so much was happening in my life then that I couldn’t keep it anymore and I kinda reached breaking point and had to tell people. But I stitched myself up before college and while things still feel weird in my head, it’s under control. So I feel like telling people is unnecessary but then idk. It’s like I feel that if they know then they won’t want to be around me. Like all they will see is the messed up bits of me. Andย I don’t want that at all. I just can’t help but feel that if they know then I’ll automatically be seen as a messed up burden or whatever and idk. I’ve never been afraid of revealing my messed up bits so this is all new and confusing. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

Also, I’ve started using the word ‘interesting’ way too much. It’s like my defense mechanism type thing. When I’m unsure as to if I should say a certain thing I just say it’s interesting. My way of being neutral which is stupid and cowardly ugh I hate it. Okay this is turning into a crib fest which is wasn’t meant to be but anyway. Enough ranting for now. I should study. (Or waste time while I pretend to study but whatever)

Oh wait one last thing, I need to call the therapist and schedule an appointment. An actual legit appointment this time. Kinda scared of calling, of going alone and of it all tbh but I have to do it soon. I will do it soon.ย 




5 thoughts on “Thoughts~

  1. I think your appointment will help with those feelings. College is an absolutely terrifying time, and you’re feeling all these new things that you don’t know how to express or deal with on top of all the things you’re used to being upset about or dealing with. It always reassured me to remember that the people around me are going through something similar. Hopefully that reassures you at least a little bit.

    Liked by 1 person

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