I made my final college decision and I am staying in my own country. Actually I didn’t make the decision, my mom did. And honestly, I hate it.
I have wanted to leave and go away from home for so so long and I thought that finally this was my chance. I worked hard at school and I did everything right. I worked hard enough to get scholarships at almost every school I applied to and yet I’m unable to go. There are two reasons for this –
- Costs – Even after scholarships, the schools cost a lot! Especially cuz I would have o pay in USD. And I have negotiated costs so much, it’s almost humiliating to discuss costs like that but I still cant go. And honestly, when it comes to things like this, I don’t like asking for financial aid and stuff cuz idk it hurts my ego or whatever but I swallowed my pride and I did it cuz I was so desperate. But despite that my mom says I can’t go. I said I would take out a student loan but she refused to let me do that either. So basically even after everything I did, I can’t go.
- Family – I have a lot of family responsibility and I can’t leave them and go. I had convinced myself that I could. I had decided that I would be selfish for once and do what I want to do but my mom just said that I can’t leave cuz I have to help her take care of things at home.
So yeah basically I’m staying here and I am not leaving. And I hate it. I did everything right. For once, I didn’t everything I could. I shouldn’t have applied in the first place, it wouldn’t have been so disappointing then. And it sucks cuz people who didn’t even work as hard as me are getting to go and I am not.
And honestly, I am not surprised. I knew that there was a huge chance that this would happen. That mom would finally not let me go but I was really hoping she would. It has been my dream forever. I have spoken to my friends about it so many times and dreamed and fantasized about it and even written about it here on my blog. I just really wish I could go.
Honestly, I know that the school in my country isn’t bad. It’s actually pretty good and the education and stuff is going to be good but I really don’t want to stay here, so close to home.
Now I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have worked so hard, what was the point anyway. Mom says I can go abroad for my masters but at that time my sister would be about to start her bachelors so that would be a huge financial strain as well so I think it’s quite unlikely. When will I get to live my dream!? And like the truth is, even if I went abroad, I might be disappointed, it might not turn out the way I expected or whatever but at least I tried. It wouldn’t be one of those ‘what if’ things. For once, I just want to be selfish and do what I want and go but at the same time, I can’t abandon people at home and go. Actually I can but I would probably feel guilty cuz who will take care of things if I go? I really want to go.