WHY?

For a really long time now, I’ve been thinking about telling my mom about the social anxiety stuff so that I can get actual professional help. Like I can’t tell her about the cutting and stuff cuz that would be too much for her to handle but if I told her about the social anxiety then I could get help for all of it.

So finally after a lot of convincing by my teacher, I agreed to talk to my mom. On a weekend, I asked her if she was busy and whether we could talk. She said she was busy at the moment and would talk to me later in the day but she never got back to me and I was too scared to ask again. So then the next day I told my teacher to talk to my mom so finally she called my mom up and told her that she thinks that I have social anxiety and recommended getting professional help for me. So my mom told my teacher that she would talk to me on the weekend and so after that I waited all weekend for her to talk to me but she didn’t. I talked to my friends about this and they just said that maybe my mom just needs a little time to process and understand things and she would talk to me the next weekend or sometime soon and so I waited but it didn’t happen. She never spoke to me about it at all. Someone recommended me getting professional help which obviously implies a degree of seriousness regarding the situation and my mother completely ignored it.

This was a while back, last weekend of January, and one of the things that I clearly remember is that I was talking to a friend of mine about my mom finally knowing and I was talking about how I might finally get help and things might actually be okay for me. Like I was really scared but I was kinda hopeful. I could get help, I could get better, maybe I won’t feel so shitty all the time. But she never talked to me at all and I don’t have it in me to talk to her and so I’m stuck here again.

I was really upset about this cuz I felt that it was her responsibility being the adult here to do something about it but then again, why was I expecting anything idek. But then I made myself stop thinking about things with her cuz the two following weekends after my teacher talked to her, she said really mean things to me and I was really hurt. So I forced myself to stop thinking about it and stop caring. I kept thinking that it’s a matter of a few more months till I’m 18 and then I’ll figure things out for myself. But then I don’t know why but for the past couple of days I’ve been feeling worse and I just feel so bad that she doesn’t care enough to actually talk to me about things. I was really hopeful about getting help cuz it’s getting too much for me to handle on my own sometimes. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.