So I think that now I’m pretty much on track with all my assignments and school with the exception of my History internal assessment. But if I can manage to finish that by today then I think I’m going to be okay.
Exams start on 15th, and the first few exams are English and Spanish. I’m kinda prepared for English and I’ll manage Spanish as well, so that’s okay. Like for now I’m not panicked about exams.
What I am slightly worried about is that my motivation to work or study or do pretty much anything has gone down. Like I spent all of yesterday lying in bed cuz I couldn’t get myself to do anything except feel like shit.
I don’t know why but I haven’t been feeling too good for the past few days. I was feeling slightly okay in between but it’s kinda gotten back to being bad. But like I’m trying not to wallow and just like idk do better or something but everything just feels so difficult.
Though I’ve decided to kinda stop talking about all my shit with anyone and just sleep it off instead. I mean all this shit in my head gets worse at night so instead of staying up and overthinking and driving myself crazy I am just going to force myself to sleep and not think. This is kinda good but also kinda bad because I end up laying in bed/sleeping for a large part of the day but it’s working for now so I’m going to go with it.
Things with my mom are kinda bad right now cuz like she’s been home all day today and is going to be home tomorrow as well so well idk she’s just been saying random hurtful shit but I’m dealing with that so it’s okay I guess.
I feel like my thoughts are so jumbled up right now. Like I’ve starting writing so many blog posts about so many things that are on my mind but I always stop halfway cuz I can’t seem to be able to sort my mind out enough to actually write properly.
Idk I think that for me there’s like two kinds of bad feelings. Like one is where I’m sad and upset and I have someone to talk to and I vent and I feel better. And then there is the other one which is kinda worse because there is so much in my head that I can’t understand and I don’t know who to tell and I don’t want to whine and crib so it just keeps getting more weird and confused and idk, it’s just bad. And like I’m kinda stuck in the second one right now but I have to get out of it cuz I have to focus on exams right now and I don’t have to time to think about all this crap in my head.
I just want to be happy and for that I have to actively want to be happy and look for happiness and get happy over little things or at least fake it till I make it and usually I am very good at that. I pretend to get happy over little things cuz that somehow helps in making me feel slightly better. But it’s getting kinda difficult to do that and I’m honestly kinda tired of doing it. I don’t have the energy to put so much effort into it. So idk, for now, I’ll just do the best I can.
Idek, this post is so bad and weird, sorry, I’m just in a terrible mood and I need to start studying now.