Weird feelings ugh

For like two days now, I’ve had this weird sad feeling and I can’t seem to be able to shake it off. I don’t know why or where it came from, but it’s just there.

I just want to die but like I’m not going to actually do something stupid. I just wouldn’t mind if a car or something came and hit me, in fact, I’d be kinda thankful. Idk if that makes sense.

And I try to distract myself from feeling like this but I can’t seem to be able to. On Monday morning, I went to my teacher’s room and told her about how I couldn’t go to art school and was kinda upset about that and so she let me stay in her room for a while and she went to take a class so basically I was alone in her room. And like idk what happened but I started crying like a lot but then I had a class in the next block so I shut up and sucked it up and went to class and the entire day was horrible.

So the next day, Tuesday I decided to not go to school cuz I was still feeling pretty bad and I thought that not going to school and resting at home might help but it didn’t. The entire day was so bad. I should have been studying cuz I have exams soon but I couldn’t even get out of bed. I literally had no motivation. And it wasn’t even like I was crying or anything. It was just empty. I felt so empty and like idk, like I have really huge stones weighing me down. Sorry, that makes no sense. But then I forced myself to get up and I thought that maybe if I get up and go to the living room then I’ll be motivated to study or something so I did that. I was home alone and so I just went and sat on the  couch and did nothing. I literally sat there. And then I lay down on the couch and idk I was just doing nothing. Then I switched on the TV cuz it felt weird just sitting and doing nothing but like I wasn’t even registering what was coming on TV.

And things like eating and walking seem like huge tasks. Yesterday was so bad, I felt like I was getting tired of picking up the spoon while eating and I just wanted to stop and go to sleep or like sit in the dark and hide or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

What’s worse is that I cut again. On Monday. And today, in school. It was so so so bad. I hate myself for it, I hate myself so much. And I’m so shallow or something, all I could think of yesterday was that my scars are going to show on prom because my dress has short sleeves. That’s what I was thinking of! Ugh, why!? But that’s not even the point.

I’m just a horrible person and I feel so bad but I don’t know how to change and I’m tired. So tired. Sorry.

 

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21 thoughts on “Weird feelings ugh

  1. Hey, don’t have yourself for cutting. I’m pretty sure everyone has relapses, and you’ve got to keep on trying even if it is super hard. Hating yourself won’t help so just try and learn from it somehow. You’re not a horrible person just because you’re not always happy. It’s perfectly okay to not be shining bright and happy, as long as you continue to try and find those brighter days. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey listen, YOU are NOT a horrible person and hating yourself will only make you feel worse. I want you to know that crying is absolutely okay, in fact it’s good for you. And don’t hate yourself for cutting, sometimes, our emotions get the best of us and we are compelled to. But please know that you’re awesome and you DON’T deserve to feel this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, you are not horrible. Feeling upset is okay, crying is okay, cry it all out! Sometimes we are blinded by our emotions and make decisions that are not in our best interest, thus you can not hate yourself for cutting. No one deserves to feel this way, you don’t. You know what is so great about tommorow? It is a new day. I hope you know you can talk to me xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON. I will tell yt, over and over, because it’s true. You are helpful and amazing and I SWEAR, don’t worry, there will ALWAYS be days when you feel like shit. You’ll feel down and unmotivated and it’s OKAY. If you ever need to talk, and I do mean EVER, just drop me an email.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “I just wouldn’t mind if a car or something came and hit me, in fact, I’d be kinda thankful.” I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but I just really related to this line. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. omg I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way , hopefully it would pass .
    And I’m also sorry that I don’t know how to help but I am here if you want to talk 🙂
    By the way , you’re not a horrible person because we all have bad times and we all have different ways of dealing with it . Of course I hope you get better at not cutting so much but if you do, don’t beat yourself over it so much .
    all the best ,
    ayele

    Liked by 1 person

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