For like two days now, I’ve had this weird sad feeling and I can’t seem to be able to shake it off. I don’t know why or where it came from, but it’s just there.
I just want to die but like I’m not going to actually do something stupid. I just wouldn’t mind if a car or something came and hit me, in fact, I’d be kinda thankful. Idk if that makes sense.
And I try to distract myself from feeling like this but I can’t seem to be able to. On Monday morning, I went to my teacher’s room and told her about how I couldn’t go to art school and was kinda upset about that and so she let me stay in her room for a while and she went to take a class so basically I was alone in her room. And like idk what happened but I started crying like a lot but then I had a class in the next block so I shut up and sucked it up and went to class and the entire day was horrible.
So the next day, Tuesday I decided to not go to school cuz I was still feeling pretty bad and I thought that not going to school and resting at home might help but it didn’t. The entire day was so bad. I should have been studying cuz I have exams soon but I couldn’t even get out of bed. I literally had no motivation. And it wasn’t even like I was crying or anything. It was just empty. I felt so empty and like idk, like I have really huge stones weighing me down. Sorry, that makes no sense. But then I forced myself to get up and I thought that maybe if I get up and go to the living room then I’ll be motivated to study or something so I did that. I was home alone and so I just went and sat on the couch and did nothing. I literally sat there. And then I lay down on the couch and idk I was just doing nothing. Then I switched on the TV cuz it felt weird just sitting and doing nothing but like I wasn’t even registering what was coming on TV.
And things like eating and walking seem like huge tasks. Yesterday was so bad, I felt like I was getting tired of picking up the spoon while eating and I just wanted to stop and go to sleep or like sit in the dark and hide or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
What’s worse is that I cut again. On Monday. And today, in school. It was so so so bad. I hate myself for it, I hate myself so much. And I’m so shallow or something, all I could think of yesterday was that my scars are going to show on prom because my dress has short sleeves. That’s what I was thinking of! Ugh, why!? But that’s not even the point.
I’m just a horrible person and I feel so bad but I don’t know how to change and I’m tired. So tired. Sorry.