Rant post

Warning – This post will probably be really ugly and bad.

So for a few weeks now, I’ve been avoiding this one thing. I’ve tried not to think about it because every time I think about it, I start crying. And lately, I’ve been crying so much. Not like breakdown and cry a lot but like my tears just start randomly pouring out of nowhere, sometimes even when I’m sitting in class! And I guess I kind of know why. SO here goes.

A few weeks back, my teacher and I discussed stuff and decided that she should call my mom and discuss the social anxiety stuff with her. Now, when she called my mom, she behaved like I didn’t know that she was calling her but I actually did. So ma’am told me that mom was concerned and said that I have a college interview the next day (which went okay, btw) and she’ll talk to me about it after that. So my teacher messaged me and told me that and it was the weekend after that so I expected her to talk to me but she didn’t! I just thought that maybe she’s taking some time to process things and understand and all that so she’ll eventually talk to me!

Then that Sunday, I asked my mom whether it was possible to drop my tennis classes. Because I honestly don’t like the game very much and I don’t like waking up early to go to play. At this she got very mad at me and said a lot of very hurtful stuff. She basically said that I have no personality and opinions of my own and I only follow what my friends do/say. And she said that I’m lazy and ungrateful and I don’t care about anyone but myself. At that time I couldn’t really react or anything so I just shut up and went for tennis class. And when I got back, she behaved like nothing happened and she went back to being her usual self so I didn’t even know what to say or how to react. So I decided to shut up and not think about because I had a lot of work and I basically told myself to think about it the next day.

The next day and so so horrible. I would just randomly start crying out of nowhere and I felt so bad about everything she said. I talked a bit to my friends and they were really nice but like it really hurts to know that she thinks that about me. I didn’t even realize I was like this. I am willing to change anything so that she won’t think this of me.

So while it hurt a lot, I told myself to let it cuz like what else could I do considering mom was behaving like nothing ever happened.

So fast forward to next Friday. I had a really tiring day and so I was sitting on the sofa waiting for mom to come home so that we could eat dinner. Around 9, I fell asleep. For like 10 mins cuz like she came home by 9 15. She comes home and my sis said something at which she got really upset and started screaming at me about how many times she’s told me not to sleep on the sofa and how I can’t do anything right. Then she went into her room and screamed that she didn’t want to eat and went to sleep. Then my grandmother kind of insisted she eat so she got super upset at that and started screaming at me again. About how I put too much pressure on her and that I’m basically a burden on her. By this time my sister was already in bed and mom was eating dinner with my grandmother and I was sitting on the sofa. She said all this and idk, I started crying a bit, really silently though. And then my mom screams at me all like why are you crying and all that. So I just said that I’m really tired and I’m going to go to sleep. So I went into bed and then I cried like a baby. The next day, I was really quiet all day because well, I didn’t really want to talk and so she was all like whats up with you, why are you so quiet? She again just behaved like nothing happened.

I don’t know, I guess I never realized that my mother thought all that about me. And it really hurts cuz if my mom thinks that I’m a burden, I can only imagine what other people think. And I never wanted to be a burden on her. I always just wanted to do everything right and keep her happy and take care of her and my sister Β and I really tried my best but I am not good enough for her and I don’t know how to be better. But I’ll change, I’m going to shut up and talk less at home and I’ll stay out if her way and I’ll go the cheapest college possible wherever she wants me to go and I’ll do anything she wants. I just don’t want to be a burden on her. That’s the one thing I cannot handle. Then this past weekend, on Friday actually, I hadn’t eaten properly all day and like after she came home, I said I was really hungry and so I got myself something to eat. At this my mom says, all you can do is eat! And then she laughs cuz for her it was a joke, for me, not so much. SO I couldn’t say anything so I just shut up and sat quietly and decided to ignore it. All Β weekend, I was miserable cuz like I know I’m an overly sensitive person but this is like a touchy topic for me and it just wasn’t very nice.

So then on Monday I think, I went to lunch and then I was like shit, I don’t want to eat cuz what she said just kept echoing in my head. But I had decided to eat healthier so I decided to get some food and I did. I came and sat down at my table and just ended up staring at my food for 20 mins before throwing it away. I just couldn’t eat because all I could think about was what she said.

And like every time I’ve discussed any of this with my friends I’ve tried to sound okay about it but I’m really not. And I just want to cry and cry but at the same time I don’t. And I hate myself so much right now for even writing this post but I have to get this off me. I wish I could be better and I wish I wasn’t a burden on her and hearing her say all that really hurts me, to know that she thinks that of me. I don’t even want to discuss the social anxiety stuff or the depression stuff or anything with her anymore cuz then she’ll just think that I’m more of a burden and I can’t handle that. I’m so sorry this post is so miserable.

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22 thoughts on “Rant post

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It sucks to have your mom drop something like that on you and make you feel bad, and then act like nothing ever happened. No matter what she may do or say to you, I’m sure that your mom still loves you regardless.
    I hope you feel better! You’re such a nice person and you deserve happiness. Just remember we’re always here for you. πŸ™‚

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  2. I’m really sorry about that. Gosh, just reading this breaks my heart. I can’t imagine what you are going through or I know I don’t know exactly how you feel, but you are not a burden. Sometimes people lash out about things they do not understand. But I know that doesn’t mean you don’t feel awful because of what she said. I hope everything gets better though! Hang in there! I genuinely care about you having happiness and I hope better days come soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to feel this way too. I have critical parents as well, yet they’ll act like they’re not critical so it feels like you’re fighting a battle you’ll never win. But trust me, she probably goes to work everyday and brags about you nonstop. Regardless, it stinks to feel that way and it stinks that when you feel like you want to say something to her, she’ll get upset and turn it around on you. I have gone through similar feelings and am here if you ever need to vent.

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  4. This is one of the first posts of yours I have read and it’s just heartbreaking. I hope that you find the strength and courage to talk to your mom, I know nothing about either of you but I wish you nothing but the best. I’m glad you have this blog and writing to let out these pent up feelings. Just keep pushing forward and be yourself, that’s all anyone can ever ask of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s okay, it’s not a miserable post as you’ve let your feelings out. I’m sure your mum is someone nice, maybe she has some other pressure or something going on, so be patient and hopefully things will get better soon.

    Anyway it’s okay to change, remember, the past is the past! Your Mum has done a lot of things for you, you aren’t a burden!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t worry, you’re a good person! I’m sorry all this is happening, and I’m sorry your mom is treating you this way. It’s alright to post stuff like this, we’re all here to help you get through it. Don’t keep it all shut up, say something, confide in the community and your friends. It’s okay to cry, it’s ok to rant.
    Honestly, if your mother is insulting you (even if unintentionally) and then acting like nothing happened, you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel, so she can understand. She calls you a burden, tell her you try your best to make her happy. She tells you that you eat all the time, tell her you’re a growing person who needs nutrients. Get people to back you up, maybe your dad or grandmother, tell them your story. So if your mom yells at you, you have those people to support you and defend your side. You’re not doing anything wrong, and your mother needs to know that.
    You’re trying your best. Don’t let the little things get to you. Speak up, get angry, yell back even! Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she can treat you like this. Yeah you should respect her opinions, but you should respect your own as well. If you need any advice, be sure to tell us bloggers, we can help! πŸ™‚ We’ve got your back too. ❀

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  7. Omg please don’t hate yourself! You’re a wonderful person!!! Me and meg both suffer too, if you ever need to talk about anxiety tweet inbox us literally we’re here for you πŸ˜ŠπŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

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  8. Hello! I’m relatively new to WordPress but I had to comment bc this post really hit close to home.

    My mother is a LOT like your mother. It was painful sometimes bc growing up and having to live with an adult figure whom you’re supposed to respect but treats you with absolutely none can hurt in so many ways. Once you move out things will be so much better. I’m sure you and your mother both love and care about each other but adults can oftentimes act like children and it’s difficult to understand that not all adults are role models. There was a lot of guilt and self-blame when I was living at home but you’ll gain a very different perspective when you can appreciate each other at a distance.

    Congrats on art school btw!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Yeah, I’m sure she cares about me and I do care about her a lot, it’s just a bit difficult at times. And I suppose you’re right, getting some distance might help. Thank you so much! Hope you’re doing well. πŸ™‚

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