Warning – This post will probably be really ugly and bad.
So for a few weeks now, I’ve been avoiding this one thing. I’ve tried not to think about it because every time I think about it, I start crying. And lately, I’ve been crying so much. Not like breakdown and cry a lot but like my tears just start randomly pouring out of nowhere, sometimes even when I’m sitting in class! And I guess I kind of know why. SO here goes.
A few weeks back, my teacher and I discussed stuff and decided that she should call my mom and discuss the social anxiety stuff with her. Now, when she called my mom, she behaved like I didn’t know that she was calling her but I actually did. So ma’am told me that mom was concerned and said that I have a college interview the next day (which went okay, btw) and she’ll talk to me about it after that. So my teacher messaged me and told me that and it was the weekend after that so I expected her to talk to me but she didn’t! I just thought that maybe she’s taking some time to process things and understand and all that so she’ll eventually talk to me!
Then that Sunday, I asked my mom whether it was possible to drop my tennis classes. Because I honestly don’t like the game very much and I don’t like waking up early to go to play. At this she got very mad at me and said a lot of very hurtful stuff. She basically said that I have no personality and opinions of my own and I only follow what my friends do/say. And she said that I’m lazy and ungrateful and I don’t care about anyone but myself. At that time I couldn’t really react or anything so I just shut up and went for tennis class. And when I got back, she behaved like nothing happened and she went back to being her usual self so I didn’t even know what to say or how to react. So I decided to shut up and not think about because I had a lot of work and I basically told myself to think about it the next day.
The next day and so so horrible. I would just randomly start crying out of nowhere and I felt so bad about everything she said. I talked a bit to my friends and they were really nice but like it really hurts to know that she thinks that about me. I didn’t even realize I was like this. I am willing to change anything so that she won’t think this of me.
So while it hurt a lot, I told myself to let it cuz like what else could I do considering mom was behaving like nothing ever happened.
So fast forward to next Friday. I had a really tiring day and so I was sitting on the sofa waiting for mom to come home so that we could eat dinner. Around 9, I fell asleep. For like 10 mins cuz like she came home by 9 15. She comes home and my sis said something at which she got really upset and started screaming at me about how many times she’s told me not to sleep on the sofa and how I can’t do anything right. Then she went into her room and screamed that she didn’t want to eat and went to sleep. Then my grandmother kind of insisted she eat so she got super upset at that and started screaming at me again. About how I put too much pressure on her and that I’m basically a burden on her. By this time my sister was already in bed and mom was eating dinner with my grandmother and I was sitting on the sofa. She said all this and idk, I started crying a bit, really silently though. And then my mom screams at me all like why are you crying and all that. So I just said that I’m really tired and I’m going to go to sleep. So I went into bed and then I cried like a baby. The next day, I was really quiet all day because well, I didn’t really want to talk and so she was all like whats up with you, why are you so quiet? She again just behaved like nothing happened.
I don’t know, I guess I never realized that my mother thought all that about me. And it really hurts cuz if my mom thinks that I’m a burden, I can only imagine what other people think. And I never wanted to be a burden on her. I always just wanted to do everything right and keep her happy and take care of her and my sister and I really tried my best but I am not good enough for her and I don’t know how to be better. But I’ll change, I’m going to shut up and talk less at home and I’ll stay out if her way and I’ll go the cheapest college possible wherever she wants me to go and I’ll do anything she wants. I just don’t want to be a burden on her. That’s the one thing I cannot handle. Then this past weekend, on Friday actually, I hadn’t eaten properly all day and like after she came home, I said I was really hungry and so I got myself something to eat. At this my mom says, all you can do is eat! And then she laughs cuz for her it was a joke, for me, not so much. SO I couldn’t say anything so I just shut up and sat quietly and decided to ignore it. All weekend, I was miserable cuz like I know I’m an overly sensitive person but this is like a touchy topic for me and it just wasn’t very nice.
So then on Monday I think, I went to lunch and then I was like shit, I don’t want to eat cuz what she said just kept echoing in my head. But I had decided to eat healthier so I decided to get some food and I did. I came and sat down at my table and just ended up staring at my food for 20 mins before throwing it away. I just couldn’t eat because all I could think about was what she said.
And like every time I’ve discussed any of this with my friends I’ve tried to sound okay about it but I’m really not. And I just want to cry and cry but at the same time I don’t. And I hate myself so much right now for even writing this post but I have to get this off me. I wish I could be better and I wish I wasn’t a burden on her and hearing her say all that really hurts me, to know that she thinks that of me. I don’t even want to discuss the social anxiety stuff or the depression stuff or anything with her anymore cuz then she’ll just think that I’m more of a burden and I can’t handle that. I’m so sorry this post is so miserable.