Okay so I know I’m supposed to be on a blogging break. But I don’t know, I felt like blogging and there’s something that I need to write about so here goes.
Every time I talk about my mom, people get really confused because they never seem to understand our relationship. People tell me that they don’t understand if I hate her or get along with her or what exactly it is! And people don’t seem to understand why I am so uncomfortable around her. And honestly, I’m not sure I understand either. So I’m just going to try to sort that out in this post. And I’m going to try to start from the very start so this might be a bit long idk.
So my parents got divorced when I was in grade 3. Things were really bad and it’s good that they got divorced tbh. And so a little while after, my mom started dating this guy. Umm so soon after that, she introduced him to us. They dated for about 5 years and I think he wanted to get married and he proposed but I think my mom said no.
SO initially when they were dating, I hated it. It was weird for me, my parents had just gotten divorced and and my mom was already dating someone. This was all really weird for me because no one I knew had divorced parents and it was a really weird concept for me. And mom never talked to us about anything. So of course, I hated the guy. I wanted nothing to do with him. And I made that known to everyone. Yeah, I was not nice. But my mom kept trying and so she would invite him over often, he’d go on vacations with us and soon he was kinda always here. He lived in a different city really far away but he even moved to our city, so it was quite serious. And if I’m being really honest, I was jealous. Jealous that my mom was spending so much time with him.
My mom’s a single working parent. She was working really hard because she needed to pay for school and so she was always always busy and she had to take care of my sis cuz she was really little then. I think she was 3 or 4. And whatever little left over time she had, she was spending it with him. And I felt like she had no time for me. And so eventually, I got used to it. I stopped asking her for things and I did whatever I could on my own. Basically I tried not to rely on her much. And things just got uncomfortable and I started hiding things from her and never telling her anything important. And yeah, so eventually they broke up and my mom was really sad and so I kinda took care of her a bit.
So after that mom went back to working all the time. Like ALL THE TIME! So my sis and I got used to her not being around much. She paid for things and that was that! And my sis is little, and she already feels so bad when mom doesn’t have time for her. When mom says that she’s going to come and watch her play tennis but doesn’t show up and when mom says that she’s going to take us out somewhere at a said time and either doesn’t or does like 3 hours later, I can see the disappointment on my sister’s face and it breaks my heart.
And then there’s the whole thing about how my mom makes me feel like shit. She keeps comparing me to my father which I hate. She keeps commenting on my weight, my eating habits, my pimples and everything and while I try to ignore it, it hurts a lot sometimes. So yeah, it’s weird.
Also, I’ve always been the one who takes care of my mother. Or at least I try to. I have to. She’s been through so much with my father and her work and everything I just want her to be okay and not stress so much. But at the same time, I can’t wait to be away from her. I know that makes me seem horrible but at times I just want to cut her out of my life and never see her again.
And I find it so difficult to talk to her about anything. We talk a lot but only about light fluffy things. I talk about other people and Tv and other random stuff but nothing serious. I never tell her anything personal. Not about me being gay, not my self harm issues, nothing!
I do sometimes consider telling her things so I can get some professional help but I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. So it’s awkward and uncomfortable for me to be around her but I’ve gotten used to hiding things. I’m good at it now. So on the surface and to her, everything is fine. For me, everything is not so fine.
So while I guess I have to care for her, because if I don’t then who will, but she also hurts me so much at times that I can’t wait to get away from her.