Warning – Long and sad rant post.
About once or twice a week I get into a really bad phase, and I get suicidal. Varying degrees, sometimes I really actively want to end things, sometimes it’s just like I wouldn’t mind if a car came and hit me right now, that would actually be kinda nice. And the strange part is that it’s not even strange or scary to me anymore. Like every time I feel myself getting in the bad space I’m just like oh here I go again. Like oh I’m so used to it. And Idk, I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I have my happy moments. I kinda have friends, there are people who care about me or at least I think they do, I go to a good school, I have all my basic needs and I get decent grades. Things are good. But they aren’t. I mean things seem good but I’m not happy. And that’s so bad. I’m so grateful for everything but I can’t stop feeling sad and when I feel suicidal, all these good things don’t really make a difference because i’m too far into my bad zone to think rationally.
The main thing that stops me from doing something drastic is what if I survive, then what do I tell my mom? Yeah, my biggest worry is that I won’t know what to tell my mom. Because I pretend to be all happy happy! Like my mom thinks I’m the happiest person and I do pretend to be. And honestly, she says some really hurtful things but I just try to ignore them. She keeps comparing me to my dad but I don’t really like that cuz well I don’t like my dad. And quite a few other hurtful things but it’s okay. She says that I’m lazy and I don’t work enough and I guess it’s true. Maybe I am but honestly I don’t want to be. I just have no motivation to do things but I honestly do try.
When I’m in one of my better phases I plan so many things. I plan things to make myself feel better. I tell myself to wake up on time and bathe in the morning instead of late afternoon so I have to get out of bed and I feel fresh and clean. I tell myself to change the bed sheets and to keep myself busy. I want to go out and do things even if it’s just going to the mall or for a walk or whatever. I want to do work and get good grades but I feel like I have no energy. And also when I really need to make myself feel better, none of these things work. I just end up laying in bed and doing nothing. Except crying. And that’s pathetic. And I end up cutting. But I haven’t for a week so I guess that’s good.
I had one of those bad nights last night. It wasn’t the worst ever but it was not good. And honestly in times like these I feel so bad in reaching out and messaging a friend because I feel like a burden. And yeah, everyone here tells me that I’m not a burden and people give me their emails and tell me to write to them and I appreciate that so so much but I just can’t. I can’t get myself to believe that I’m not being a burden. So yeah, last night. So initially I decided that I won’t text my friends. Like I didn’t want to text Annie cuz she keeps trying to convince me to talk to my mom and she gets all rational and gives me reasons why I should tell my mom and honestly I did not want to deal with that. So it was between texting SG or Mousey and I chose to text Mousey cuz I wasn’t sure if I should bother SG cuz she’s going on vacation today and well I didn’t want to be a burden and bother her. So I messaged Mousey and said I have a really bad sinking feeling and then we talked a bit and I finally asked her if she thought that I was difficult to be around? Cuz well I always think I am and I hated asking cuz I felt like really vulnerable and shit but she was really nice and said how I’m really easy to talk to and so many nice things and I didn’t even know how to react. Anyway, by this point I was really crying so I just told her that I had to sleep. I didn’t want to bother her anymore so I shut up.
Idk sometimes I could just talk to someone about all of this without feeling guilty. Like someone who wouldn’t think I’m too much. Idk that’s probably stupid.
This is weird for me to say but honestly, I don’t like myself too much. I don’t like how I look and I don’t like things I do and honestly I don’t feel good enough.
I feel like such an attention seeking drama queen because so many people have so many worse things in their lives. I have good things in my life but I can’t seem to stay happy. I don’t even know what to do because no matter what I do I can’t seem to be able to make myself stay happy. And all I want to do is make other people happy and be happy but I can’t. And I’m so sorry about that. And Idk I just want to die. Or like run away, like run away from me. Does that make any sense? Ugh I hate this.