Venting

Warning – Long and sad rant post. 

About once or twice a week I get into a really bad phase, and I get suicidal. Varying degrees, sometimes I really actively want to end things, sometimes it’s just like I wouldn’t mind if a car came and hit me right now, that would actually be kinda nice. And the strange part is that it’s not even strange or scary to me anymore. Like every time I feel myself getting in the bad space I’m just like oh here I go again. Like oh I’m so used to it. And Idk, I don’t think that’s a good thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my happy moments. I kinda have friends, there are people who care about me or at least I think they do, I go to a good school, I have all my basic needs and I get decent grades. Things are good. But they aren’t. I mean things seem good but I’m not happy. And that’s so bad. I’m so grateful for everything but I can’t stop feeling sad and when I feel suicidal, all these good things don’t really make a difference because i’m too far into my bad zone to think rationally.

The main thing that stops me from doing something drastic is what if I survive, then what do I tell my mom? Yeah, my biggest worry is that I won’t know what to tell my mom. Because I pretend to be all happy happy! Like my mom thinks I’m the happiest person and I do pretend to be. And honestly, she says some really hurtful things but I just try to ignore them. She keeps comparing me to my dad but I don’t really like that cuz well I don’t like my dad. And quite a few other hurtful things but it’s okay. She says that I’m lazy and I don’t work enough and I guess it’s true. Maybe I am but honestly I don’t want to be. I just have no motivation to do things but I honestly do try.

When I’m in one of my better phases I plan so many things. I plan things to make myself feel better. I tell myself to wake up on time and bathe in the morning instead of late afternoon so I have to get out of bed and I feel fresh and clean. I tell myself to change the bed sheets and to keep myself busy. I want to go out and do things even if it’s just going to the mall or for a walk or whatever. I want to do work and get good grades but I feel like I have no energy. And also when I really need to make myself feel better, none of these things work. I just end up laying in bed and doing nothing. Except crying. And that’s pathetic. And I end up cutting. But I haven’t for a week so I guess that’s good.

I had one of those bad nights last night. It wasn’t the worst ever but it was not good. And honestly in times like these I feel so bad in reaching out and messaging a friend because I feel like a burden. And yeah, everyone here tells me that I’m not a burden and people give me their emails and tell me to write to them and I appreciate that so so much but I  just can’t. I can’t get myself to believe that I’m not being a burden. So yeah, last night. So initially I decided that I won’t text my friends. Like I didn’t want to text Annie cuz she keeps trying to convince me to talk to my mom and she gets all rational and gives me reasons why I should tell my mom and honestly I did not want to deal with that. So it was between texting SG or Mousey and I chose to text Mousey cuz I wasn’t sure if I should bother SG cuz she’s going on vacation today and well I didn’t want to be a burden and bother her. So I messaged Mousey and said I have a really bad sinking feeling and then we talked a bit and I finally asked her if she thought that I was difficult to be around? Cuz well I always think I am and I hated asking cuz I felt like really vulnerable and shit but she was really nice and said how I’m really easy to talk to and so many nice things and I didn’t even know how to react. Anyway, by this point I was really crying so I just told her that I had to sleep. I didn’t want to bother her anymore so I shut up.

Idk sometimes I could just talk to someone about all of this without feeling guilty. Like someone who wouldn’t think I’m too much. Idk that’s probably stupid.

This is weird for me to say but honestly, I don’t like myself too much. I don’t like how I look and I don’t like things I do and honestly I don’t feel good enough.

I feel like such an attention seeking drama queen because so many people have so many worse things in their lives.  I have good things in my life but I can’t seem to stay happy. I don’t even know what to do because no matter what I do I can’t seem to be able to make myself stay happy. And all I want to do is make other people happy and be happy but I can’t. And I’m so sorry about that. And Idk I just want to die. Or like run away, like run away from me. Does that make any sense? Ugh I hate this.

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25 thoughts on “Venting

  1. You shouldn’t have to EVER feel that way. It’s so good to talk to people sometimes, even if it is just a little at a time. Maybe talking to your friends or even your mom will help, and it may be hard but I’m sure she would help you. I’m so sorry you go through this. I truly am. And I’m here if you ever need to talk to someone, and I promise I won’t judge.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s important for you to talk to someone. You know it will help, somewhere in there. I get that you feel like you’re a burden, but if you just tell someone about how you’re feeling you’ll eventually realise that you’re not, because people will help you. It might be hard but getting help and telling someone will do you immense good, I believe. I’m really sorry you’re going through all this, it sucks. Also I know I know I know you said you can’t email and stuff but seriously, I’m here along with a bunch of others. I’m happy to stay up til 2am (basically everyday routine), I’m fine to talk for hours. I just want to be able to help because honestly, sometimes I feel helpless myself when I read these kinds of things. Especially from you because I just want you to be happy, or at least okay. If you gave me a chance I promise I’d try my best. Not forcing you at all, but just making sure you know that I am honestly here for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry you have to feel like this. But please, talk to someone about it. Whether that be a friend or your mum, whatever will help more. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. I’m there for you whenever you need me okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok I’m not going to pretend I know what you are going through since I have never felt like killing myself but hey feeling ok about killing yourself is really a bad place to be and I know you might have heard this before but its good to have people around you who know what you are going through. Locking your thoughts and feelings away is not good for you find people you trust and are comfortable to talk, the kind of people who will not judge, there people like that around you and maybe try to learn to love yourself. You sound like a really good girl (you put other people’s happiness before your own) and that says a lot about you. Please be strong for yourself and keep finding happy things…someday you will hit a jackpot and find your own space. Till then, you are allowed to post and tell us how things are going. You might surprised who total strangers have effect on you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. i know its scary to feel this way, but i promise you things get better. start opening up to people, you’ll find that there are SO many people who care so much about you that you dont even need to hide behind a smile. remember that i’m always here for you, and i feel terrible that i can’t physically be there and give you a really massive hug, but i do have a kik, and if you need to talk, i’m always here to listen!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, reading this made me feel all types of sad. And it’s terrible, horrible what you’re going through. Just signing yourself off as a burden makes you feel worse about yourself. And let me tell you something: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.
    you aren’t someone who people shoo away because you’re too needy. NO. you’re not needy. You’re a FRICKIN AMAZING GORGEOUS HUMAN BEING, and don’t you ever forget that, okay?
    If you feel this way, don’t EVER hesitate to talk it out. I know that blogging about it helps, but in real life too, you must have moral support to help you through. Don’t forget, you are loved by so many people, okay ?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You are not an ‘attention seeking drama queen’ everyone’s problems are important. Your life holds so much value and it could do anything. Look at what’s ahead of you, you don’t know it yet, but there are going to moments in the future make every bad day worth surviving, because they are that amazing. Life is always changing, and there is always hope. Care for yourself in this difficult time and come out stronger than ever before. You are beautiful in every way and if you ever need to talk I am always here to listen ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I get that you feel like a burden and whatever we say won’t change your mind about that. Cause I feel the EXACT same way, like all of the time too. The only thing I want to say to you is that those times have got fewer and fewer for me recently as I’ve been feeling happier since the new year began. So hold on to that hope THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER, okay?xox

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I feel compelled to comment on this, so I will try to find the words. I have been right where you are now and I know how hard it is. I know how just making it through each day can seem like the biggest chore and sometimes impossible. I will tell you though that only you can make a difference in your life. If you are unhappy about you- the way you look, the person you are etc then change things. I literally just started blogging because I am on a journey and I want to keep track. I’m trying find myself again. You can too. You can start over. You can change the way things are even if it seems impossible. You can make it out of this dark place that your soul is in. Trust me, I am in the process and I am learning new things everyday as I go. If you want to, you can follow my journey and learn from any mistakes I make. I have no idea what I am doing, I am honestly making things up as I go along. Hoping for contentment in this life.

    Liked by 2 people

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