So mom’s still sick and she was coughing blood again this morning. But like I didn’t take her to the doc today. Tomorrow, she’s going to get some blood tests and also make an appointment with a respiratory doctor so hopefully we’ll know more after that. I don’t even know how serious this is, I’m hoping its not too serious.
I had a conversation with Mousey last night. I was basically freaking out a bit and so I texted her and she helped me calm down a bit. And like I got some perspective on things so that was good.
It’s so strange that I’m freaking about mom being sick. Because I usually don’t freak out about such things. When I’m stressed about something like this I get into work mode and get all practical and stuff. I don’t freak out. And I don’t even hate hospitals. I’ve been to my fair share of them tbh.
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s disease and so that meant long hours in the hospital and many many days in the hospital. My grandmother got sick in between and so we’ve taken her to the hospital a number of times too. And she got sick on an aeroplane once, so I’ve seen that too. I’ve taken my sis to the ER in the middle of the night, I’ve taken my mom to the doc before too, but I’ve never freaked out. Ever.
I don’t even know what happened last night. I didn’t even end up sleeping cuz I was so worried.
I think it has a little to do with the fact that I’m going to go to college next year. The thing is, I can’t wait to go. I want to be away from home. I know that’s strange and difficult to understand, but I’m not the most comfortable at home. But after this, it suddenly struck me that if I leave and something like this happens and someone gets sick, then who is going to take care of things? Who is going to take care of my sister? And who’s going to go to the doc with my mom? And so while I really want to leave and go, I don’t know if I can because I have responsibilities.
And like if mom was dating someone, it would be a little easier cuz then she would have someone to take care of her! And like she used to date this guy and they dated for about 5 years and I used to not worry so much cuz he used to take care of a lot of things. Like even when my grandfather’s Alzheimer’s got really bad and he had to be taken to the hospital, he was a huge help but now I have to take care of mom cuz no one else’s going to do it.
And honestly, I don’t mind. At all. But I have to go to college and then what happens. My sis is a little kid, she can’t do all this on her own. And plus, she’s a sheltered little child. She hasn’t seen everything we’ve been through. Like when the whole parents divorce thing and all the shit with my dad was happening, she was too little to understand. And so I took over and I raised her cuz mom had to work and Idk, I’m just really protective.
Okay, this post is just getting weird now. But I really need to vent so well.
And like I was talking to Mousey last night and she was saying how I’ll come home for holidays and see my family and everything but I told her that if I go abroad then I can’t afford to do that and so she said that then maybe it’s better if I go somewhere closer to home. And while I totally agree becuase that would be the smart and logical thing to do, I’ve dreamed of going abroad to college for so so long. And honestly, I’m going to sound like a spoilt kid but I want to go to private school in the U.S.. But that’s shit expensive and I can’t afford that and so I’m mostly applying to public schools and I’ve wrapped my head around that and it’s okay but idek.
Okay what was I even saying?
Right, so I don’t know if I can go away to college even if I want to.
And also, I worry about mom because she’s been sick for a while, she’s been saying that she’s having back pains for a while and she gets really bad migraines and she keeps feeling feverish and just in general she gets tired really fast. And I’ve Ben trying to convince her to go see the doc for a while but she would just put it off saying shes too busy or that it’s not serious or something. Then this whole coughing blood thing At least made her realise that she has to see the doc. And idk, I just worry that all thsi could be symptoms of something bigger.
And also, her work is really stressful. Like really stressful and everything’s a little turbulent at her work place right now so she’s really worried about that too and just in general she’s really stressed and so I worry about her.
And because she has so much to worry about, I don’t want to tell her about my stuff because it’ll add to her list of problems. Annie keeps telling me that I need to tell her about the depression and social anxiety and cutting thing but that’ll just stress her out more and I can’t do that! Ugh. But like I guess It’s okay for now.
I don’t know, I just feel really anxious. I didn’t end up sleeping last night very well last night and I know I probably won’t tonight either but that’s okay. And like it’s so shitty that even when I have to take care of mom and everything I can’t put my shit aside long enough to do that. Like I’m pathetic. I should only be thinking about her right now but idek why I’m getting sad about my stuff. Ugh I’m so stupid. And tomorrow, she’s going to go back to work and I’m going to start staying in bed all day again, and I’m going to go back to being an even bigger mess.
I hate being like this. So needy and pathetic. Cuz like, literally all I want right now is for someone to just sit there with. And talk to. And not have to get out of bed. And I don’t mean like a boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean just a friend who’ll be willing to sit in bed with me for an entire day and talk. But that’s not possible cuz I don’t know anyone like that wholl be willinh to do that right now and that sucks. Ugh. I’m just so annoyed and upset. And attention seeking apparently. This whole post is pathetic.
I should just suck it up and stop complaining but I’m so tired. Ugh. Sorry. This is so stupid. Okay, I have to go and start making dinner now. So I’m going to stop. Sorry this post is so pathetic.