WHY do I do this!?

Warning- long and kinda confusing and kinda sad post.

okay I’m so done. I’ve decided that I just have to stop caring. I have to stop caring about people. I care too much. And then I end up getting hurt. So I’m done. I’m just going to do the bare minimum and that’s it! Ugh that is pathetic but I’m tired of getting hurt so I’m just going to shut myself off. I am too honest for my own good and I don’t mind putting myself in vulnerable positions and I go ahead and tell my friends exactly what I’m thinking and feeling and all of this just ends up with me getting hurt so I’m done.

Recently, I had something with a friend of mine. I kind of felt hurt because of few things she did but it wasn’t her fault or anything but it just hut me because I’m a sensitive little shit. And so for almost two weeks I just kept quiet and cried over it and kept overthinking everything and hurting myself. Then I finally decided to tell her. And I also told her that I wasn’t blaming her for anything cuz I know it’s my fault and she explained everything but Idk it still hurt. She basically said that she doesn’t know how to deal with someone who’s so depressed or something along those lines and how I shouldn’t care so much and how she’s never had someone who is so dependent on her and she doesn’t know how to deal with that. And she said that she does care about me and she’s going to try to be a better friend and in return she wants me to not expect so much from her and I agreed to that. And I feel so bad about the whole think because I feel like I might have hurt her and I hate that. I hate myself for doing that. See the thing is she is very different from me. Being social and happy comes naturally to her which is amazing. I’m always happy to see her happy but I’m not like that. I have a tendency to be sad fro no fucking reason and I’m not easy to be around so I don’t really blame her for anything and I just have to get used to it. I love her, she’s amazing I just Idk. I overthink things and I hurt myself.

And so my answer to all of this is that I’m going to stop caring and just i don’t know, disconnect. Not only from her but from my other friends too. And I don’t want to be nice and happy anymore. I am so done. I don’t want to be around people because I’m so fucking sad most of the time and I’m freaking difficult to deal with and I don’t want to put anyone through that. Basically I don’t want to be a burden on my friends and so my solution is to disconnect from them. And I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not but I’m sticking to it for now. So the rules are – NO texting friends unless they text first cuz then I don’t feel like such a burden on them and I don’t feel like I’m bothering them and then I know how much they want to talk to me or not. Second, when I have a bad night, I’m not going to tell anyone about it. I’m just going to have to deal with my shit. And third, when school starts, I just go about doing my work and no socializing in the hallways. DONE!

Also, I cut again last night. It’s pathetic that I keep doing this. And I kinda stuck to my rule this time and I didn’t tell my friends but I feel like I should tell my teacher. I don’t know, I’m still thinking about it. See, it’s holiday season and I don’t want to bother her so I don’t know. Maybe I will, I feel like I should.

Ugh I keep disappointing everyone and I hate doing that and I hate feeling like this. ANd I hate writing posts like these too cuz I feel like I’m being so negative! I’m sorry I don;t know why I keep doing this.

EDIT – When my friend says that I shouldn’t expect so much from her, what does that even mean? Am I still allowed to tell her important stuff or no?  Am i allowed to text her? to tag her in things? What does that mean? Oh wait, it doesn’t matter. Shit, I already forgot. Disconnect.

 

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27 thoughts on “WHY do I do this!?

  1. Oh my gosh. I get it. Trust me I do. Disconnecting isn’t the answer though, and I know. All it will do is break friend ships up, and make friends enemies because they don’t know what is going on. All I can suggest you to do is talk to them. Explain how you are feeling, so they know what is going on. I’m sorry that I have rubbish advice, but I hope it helps a teeny bit! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can relate on some levels especially about wanting to just stop caring to prevent getting hurt, but trust me shutting yourself out from others is not the way to go. It will come across in the wrong way and end up complicating things even more. So just try to talk it out and explain what’s going on, and help others understand. Also, I’m sure your teacher would want to know it you were cutting, regardless of it being holiday season or not. I’d say you should tell her so you can talk to someone and get help. And finally you’ve got nothing to be sorry for, if these posts are helping then I appreciate them and I’m sure everyone else does too. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! I’m not sure what I want to do yet, I just don’t want to bother my friends with my problems so I don’t know. I’m going to think about this a bit more though.
      And yes, I did end up talking to my teacher.
      Thank you. Take care xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LISTEN TO THIS
    Caring is OKAY. Caring might get you hurt, but EVERYTHING gets you hurt. NOT caring won’t stop it – disconnecting might make you feel worse. I’m not saying you should care about EVERYTHING, but I’m saying that to care is okay. No one’s going to be fault you for that.
    As for the cutting thing, that’s tricky, but get every sharp thing away from you. As in AWAY, because you don’t EVER deserve to feel like this. You’re one of the strongest, bravest, kindest people I know, and I’m NOT bullshitting that; I’m telling the truth. You say you’re done, and I say you’re only just starting.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. No, don’t disconnect. You’re ALLOWED to care, that’s what makes us human! That’s what gives us hope and you NEED hope to get you through all this, which you will get through, especially with all of us by your side. When your friend says you shouldn’t expect so much from her, I don’t think that means you can’t talk to her, I think she just can’t handle the responsibility of feeling like you NEED her all the time. Do you get me? But disconnecting from your friends isn’t the answer. You deserve to be happy and you WILL be, OKAY? In time. You’re SO strong, amazing, brave, wonderful and you will get through this, WITH your friends and WITH us. So stay strong, because I know you can ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! I feel like I care too much and I feel like I’m being a burden on people and so it would be easier for them of they didn’t have to deal with me anymore and so I sometimes feel like dissconecting is a good idea but I don’t know.
      And I do get what you’re saying about the friend thing.
      Thank you so so much.
      Hope you’re doing okay and take care. ♡

      Like

  5. Don’t disconnect from others. Disconnecting from others will break friendships and you don’t want to do that right? You need your friends. They will help you, just talk to them. Let them know what you’re feeling so they will understand. Caring hurts but you just can’t stop caring. You’re human, not robot. It may hurt but it always end up to that. Also, don’t cut yourself again. Please. Stay strong. We’re here for you. Just talk to us or email me if you need help. You know my email right. We will be always ALWAYS here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Look at all these people saying that disconnecting is not the way to go. You can probably guess what I’m going to say too but I’m going to say it anyway.
    I don’t think you should disconnect from your friends, because if this gets worse you will have no one to go to. This is exactly what happened to me and it was horrible so don’t do it!! Chances are your friends love you and care about you, and so do we, your followers and blogging friends. So don’t do this to yourself.
    I have self harmed before, never cut though. I don’t know about you but whenever I do it, it makes me feel ten times as worse after, so I agree with elm. Put any sharp objects away and do something that will distract you. ❤ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can’t say that I completely understand what you’re going through, but I think I can to some degree. I agree with all of these people that disconnecting isn’t the right thing to do in this situation. Caring is only normal because we’re humans and getting hurt because of caring only shows how important that person/thing is for us. Isolating yourself from everyone else will only lead you to over thinking and dealing with problems alone, but you’re not alone.

    I have this friend who kinda tried “disconnecting” herself from me because she thinks she’s a burden and that she doesn’t want to involve anyone else. I get that sometimes she wants to be alone and to think it through, but I always tell her that if she needs anyone to talk to her, I’m there for her anytime. So, if you’re friend says that she will try to be a better friend, you should trust that and have like an open communication between you two.

    And I think when she says that you shouldn’t expect too much of her, she’s saying that she will try her best, but like you, she’s only human, too. Also, I think it’ll be nice for her to confide in you, too, sometimes. I once had a friend who was like a “rock” (strong, cool, seemingly perfect, etc) but really has problems of her own, too. Just try telling her that.

    As for the cutting, you’re not pathetic for doing it. I get that you feel the need to do it, but darling, you’re amazing and I don’t like the thought of you hurting yourself. Just try to stay away from the cutter or anything sharp to prevent the urge to cut. Also, I think you should talk to your teacher about it.

    That’s pretty much it. I’m sorry I can’t help you anymore than this. I’m also a really sensitive and caring person and rather than a weakness, I think of it as a strength.

    I hope you have a pretty good day! 🙂 ~The Girl With The Pen

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Thank you for your comment.
      And that’s exactly it, I don’t want to be a burden on anyone and so sometimes I feel like I should disconnect from people but I don’t know.
      And as far as things with this friend of mine go, I’ve made it clear that I’m here for her too and yes I should probably try to reinforce that.
      Also, I did speak to my teacher and she suggested the same thing that I get rid of my cutter and so I did that this afternoon. I’m hoping that helps.
      You’ve helped a lot! Thank you so much.
      Hope you’re doing well. Take care ♡

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Shutting yourself out is definitely common for the first thing that comes to mind in this situation. I feel like it could only make things worse!
    My boyfriend has depression, and I went through a really rough time because he was always lashing out at me and I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t blame him! And I felt like the only person to blame was myself, but I knew that wasn’t true either. Eventually he told me how to handle it on one of his good days because he realized I was so clueless. It helped me so much because then I understood what to do if he ever did something that made me uneasy.
    If you get the chance, maybe talk to your friend (if the friendship is worth it!) and tell her things that may help her complement your different personality.
    Everyone is different, and sometimes it’s hard for us to understand that. It’s easier for people when they are directly told “this makes me anxious” or “I don’t like when you do this.” Or “I need reassurance sometimes, or else I worry.” Just little things like that!
    From what you said in this post, it sounds like your friend still cares about you a lot, she’s just afraid to hurt you.
    I hope you start to feel better soon! Remember, all of us are here for you! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! It’s good to hear a perspective from the other side. And I understand that it’s difficult for people to deal with friends who have depression and I do appreciate your suggestion of trying to explain it. I’m going to try to do that if possible. This friendship for me is definitely worth saving!
      Thank you so much.
      Hope you’re doing okay. Take care ♡

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I feel like I don’t know you enough to say this , in fact I’m only starting to get to know you but I want you to know that it’s okay to make mistakes . And you might of heard that like a hundread times but it’s true , trust me I’m learning this too. And Reading that you cut yourself doesn’t freak me out like it would of freak out the girl I was a year past because I have a friend who does that too . I met her in a shelter i was in recently and I was freaked out at first to see so many marks on her arm but I eventually put that aside because her marks weren’t the person she was . I decided to just let go of the judgement because I’m sure she gets judge already a lot and be a friend to her . That is the best way I could support her and I gained a really amazing friend that way .
    So stay strong and know that you are not your mistakes . also try to get help in any way you can because From my first expression of you , you are very sweet and I would like you in this world very much .
    please don’t give up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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