Warning- long and kinda confusing and kinda sad post.
okay I’m so done. I’ve decided that I just have to stop caring. I have to stop caring about people. I care too much. And then I end up getting hurt. So I’m done. I’m just going to do the bare minimum and that’s it! Ugh that is pathetic but I’m tired of getting hurt so I’m just going to shut myself off. I am too honest for my own good and I don’t mind putting myself in vulnerable positions and I go ahead and tell my friends exactly what I’m thinking and feeling and all of this just ends up with me getting hurt so I’m done.
Recently, I had something with a friend of mine. I kind of felt hurt because of few things she did but it wasn’t her fault or anything but it just hut me because I’m a sensitive little shit. And so for almost two weeks I just kept quiet and cried over it and kept overthinking everything and hurting myself. Then I finally decided to tell her. And I also told her that I wasn’t blaming her for anything cuz I know it’s my fault and she explained everything but Idk it still hurt. She basically said that she doesn’t know how to deal with someone who’s so depressed or something along those lines and how I shouldn’t care so much and how she’s never had someone who is so dependent on her and she doesn’t know how to deal with that. And she said that she does care about me and she’s going to try to be a better friend and in return she wants me to not expect so much from her and I agreed to that. And I feel so bad about the whole think because I feel like I might have hurt her and I hate that. I hate myself for doing that. See the thing is she is very different from me. Being social and happy comes naturally to her which is amazing. I’m always happy to see her happy but I’m not like that. I have a tendency to be sad fro no fucking reason and I’m not easy to be around so I don’t really blame her for anything and I just have to get used to it. I love her, she’s amazing I just Idk. I overthink things and I hurt myself.
And so my answer to all of this is that I’m going to stop caring and just i don’t know, disconnect. Not only from her but from my other friends too. And I don’t want to be nice and happy anymore. I am so done. I don’t want to be around people because I’m so fucking sad most of the time and I’m freaking difficult to deal with and I don’t want to put anyone through that. Basically I don’t want to be a burden on my friends and so my solution is to disconnect from them. And I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not but I’m sticking to it for now. So the rules are – NO texting friends unless they text first cuz then I don’t feel like such a burden on them and I don’t feel like I’m bothering them and then I know how much they want to talk to me or not. Second, when I have a bad night, I’m not going to tell anyone about it. I’m just going to have to deal with my shit. And third, when school starts, I just go about doing my work and no socializing in the hallways. DONE!
Also, I cut again last night. It’s pathetic that I keep doing this. And I kinda stuck to my rule this time and I didn’t tell my friends but I feel like I should tell my teacher. I don’t know, I’m still thinking about it. See, it’s holiday season and I don’t want to bother her so I don’t know. Maybe I will, I feel like I should.
Ugh I keep disappointing everyone and I hate doing that and I hate feeling like this. ANd I hate writing posts like these too cuz I feel like I’m being so negative! I’m sorry I don;t know why I keep doing this.
EDIT – When my friend says that I shouldn’t expect so much from her, what does that even mean? Am I still allowed to tell her important stuff or no? Am i allowed to text her? to tag her in things? What does that mean? Oh wait, it doesn’t matter. Shit, I already forgot. Disconnect.