Okay so I was talking to one of my teachers (the one who’s been helping me out with some stuff) and I was telling her how I’ve been cutting again and she told me to write about it and what happened and how I cut and everything in detail. So I’m going to try but I have a feeling that this is going to be a long and confusing post.
Okay so I’ve cut 3 times in the past few days or weeks. So the first time was on 4th I think or somewhere around then. I had an exam that afternoon. I had had my psych exam a few days prior to that and that morning my teacher told me my marks. And I didn’t do well. And in the past two years, that’s the only psych paper I’ve done badly on and I was so disappointed. And I was almost crying more because I didn’t know how to tell my mom and everyone else who was asking me how much I got. See the thing is everyone expects me to do well in psych and I didn’t and ugh I was so upset with myself because I made the stupidest mistake ever! I forgot to answer one part of the 22 mark question. I literally just forgot. I was so angry and mad at myself. So I spent the entire day moping and I couldn’t bare to tell my mom and I still haven’t told her but everything got so overwhelming that day. So I just got home and sat on my bed doing nothing all day and then I just got up and went and got my cutter and I cut. 2 cuts. And that was that. I think I slept of soon after. I don’t remember properly.
The second time was either 7th or 8th. So we had a gap between our exams where we still had to go to school, just no exams. They were basically free kind of worthless days where we just had to do our work. So I don’t know why but I was just in a bad mood. So then I went to this classroom in one corner of the building and I just freaking sat there and cried! Ugh I feel like such a crybaby. The water-works just start with no fucking warning! Ugh. Actually okay, I know why I was kinda upset. So there is this friend of mine and we are/were kinda close but then lately I din’t know, I’ve been kind of feeling like I’m growing apart from her. NOW i don’t know if I’m imagining this or if this is real. And I don’t know why I keep feeling like she doesn’t care.
See, she is like one of those people who is really really social and has lots of friends and well, I’m not. And I can’t talk to people in big groups and I need personal contact time with my friends. That’s just how I am and I do understand that she isn’t like that but even then I used to always find time with her earlier. And well, she was one of the first few people I actually started talking to in school and kinda became good friends with and I don’t know why but I’m really really attached to her. And I keep feeling like she doesn’t care at all. Like every time we talk, I am always the one to text first or start the conversation and I keep feeling like she forgets that I even exist. AND so now I’ve just decided that I’m not going to text her. She can talk to me if she want to and I know i’m being childish or petty but I’m done and yeah. I’m hurt and I don’t want to put myself through feeling like shit about her.
OKay so back to my point, Yeah so I was sitting there crying and then I went to my locker to get my water cup and drink water and I was still kind of crying and then I see her sitting there. And so I decided to go out and take a walk and so I walked away. I came back a few mins later and she said hey so i said hey back. and that was that. And I don’t know why but that bothered me so much. The thing is if any one my friends are ever upset, I know without them ever needing to say a word and I do what I can to make them feel better but people don’t bother to do that for me. But then again I can’t expect that from anyone. But her not noticing hurt, a lot. I don’t even know why. But I just cried like crazy after that. And I’m still kind of hurt about that. So yeah that day it just got too much for me to handle and I cut again.
The third time was on 10th December. So we had a function in school that day and we were in school till like 8 at night or something. And the whole day was free and everyone was chilling with their friends and I don’t know I felt so weird. Like I didn’t belong in this place and so uncomfortable. And then this whole thing with this friend of mine was still bothering me a lot and everything was so weird. And like I spoke to her a few times but I felt like the interactions were very forced and weird. Again,, I don’t know if I’m imagining it or what. Anyways, again I was behaving like a stupid child, crying and stuff. Yeah I don’t know. Like this day wasn’t so bad but I still cut. I’m not sure why.
Umm yeah then last night I really really wanted to cut again but I didn’t. I ended up staying up most of the night though. I would sleep for a bit but then wake up again over and over. I seem to have very broken sleep these days. But then I just put my cutter away and somehow managed to not cut. So then finally at around 5 or something in the morning I texted my teacher which was so stupid and pathetic and I’m so needy but well I did it and then she talked to me and asked what happened and all that and then she told me to write this. Then I just got out of bed and went for tennis class and life went on. And then I came back and I’ve been laying in bed since then and well that’s it I guess.
Sorry this post is so long and pathetic.