I Can’t Do This

I don’t feel good. I don’t feel like talking to any on who makes me even slightly uncomfortable. Tbh, right now there are only like 4 or 5 people I can handle talking to but if I’m in school then so many people want to talk and I can handle that right now.

I had a panic attack at school again today morning. It’s like the 4th one I’ve
had this week and it’s only Thursday! And usually if I have a panic attack at school, Annie is always around to calm me down and all that but today she didn’t come to school because she herself wasn’t doing too well. So I started feeling really weird and like I couldn’t breathe and so my friend TB was around so she just helped me calm down a bit so that was good.

But I honestly feel so done with life. Like I can’t pinpoint what is wrong but at the same time nothing feels right. I’m just trying to be happy, pretending to be happy but I’m getting so tired of it. I’m so so tired.

I need a break from life. I don’t feel good. I feel horrible but I try to not let other people know that. I don’t want to upset anyone. I already feel like such a fucking burden on people. Honestly.

I really don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. I’m hurting so much but I can’t even tell anyone about it. I can’t. I’m in so much Pain but I don’t know what to do. So I just laugh at jokes and smile a lot and pretend that everything is fine but I feel like I’m breaking inside.

The feeling of not being good enough for anyone or at anything sucks. I just want to feel good about myself for once. I want to be happy and thin and beautiful and smart like all the other girls. I want to be worth something to people. And people tell me that they actually want to be friends with me but my anxiety doesn’t let me believe that.

Lately I’ve not been wanting to go to school in the morning and not been wanting to come home in the afternoon. It’s weird because in the mornings I just want to stay at home and sleep all day and when I go to school I feel like shit all day but when it’s time to go home, I don’t feel like going home. Home doesn’t feel like home. It doesn’t feel comfortable. And I know it sounds overly dramatic but I can’t help it.

Most of the time I just want someone to be with me constantly. I want someone to want me around as much as I want them. And yes, I am dating someone currently but we both know that we are not that into each other and so I feel like it’s better to just end it. Like I really think we should break up to avoid any heartbreak later. Also, I feel like a huge burden on her, with all my issues and shit. I feel like I’ll damage her and so I don’t think I should be around her. So maybe tonight is the night we finally break up but I guess that’s okay. She’ll find someone who isn’t as damaged as me. Someone happier.

I see all these posts on tumblr and instagram which say things like there will be better days and life is worth living and stuff like that but I don’t know how much I believe them. Sometimes I feel like I’ve made a bit of progress but then I just end up back at square one. I’ve stopped eating again in school. I don’t know why.

The presentation I had to do the other day, I didn’t end up doing it. I had a panic attack that morning at school. A huge one. I cried and cried for like 45 minutes and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking and I just felt so horrible. So the whole presentation has ended up being so triggering for me. I get scared just thinking about it.

My cutting has increased a lot too. And I’ve become increasingly paranoid about people seeing my scars.

I’m tired. I’m very tired and I just want to be rescued. I’m tired of trying to save myself. And I’m very tired of people leaving. The truth is that people always leave. They get tired of me. I’m not easy to be around. I’m not easy to love. I’m not made for love. And people get tired of your sadness. And so they leave. And I get it. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.


13 thoughts on “I Can’t Do This

  1. Poor you :/. I’m not doing great at the moment either, so I can understand what you’re going through. If you ever want to talk in more detail, my email is on my “This is me” page, and I’m more than happy to listen to you and try and offer you some support. Hold on, you can get through this 🙂 X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey I know my words probably won’t matter but I would feel guilty if I didn’t try.
    Don’t give up on yourself. You’re doing a lot better than you think you are. You don’t have to be perfect. Like rebbit said, Annie, your other friends, us on WP, we care about you. You matter to us. And you matter. Period. You can do this. I believe in you. Not saying tomorrow will be sunshine and roses. Just take baby steps and if you fall, that’s okay. We got you! *sending a virtual hug*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. *virtual hugs* please, please keep trying. Keep going, keep being yourself. I’m so sorry that I can’t give you advice on the panic attacks, as I don’t have them myself. But maybe a day off or something? (sorry I’m not the best advice giver) Sending love and hope. 🙂 xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, I know the way ur going it may be hard to believe in what they say on tumblr. But trust me your doing well, and there will definitely always be a chance to make things better, you just have to take it. Things will look up in the long run. I know from experience. Hang in there daydreamer *virtual hug* xo

    Liked by 1 person

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