Last night was another not so good night. In fact, the day wasn’t very good either. My mood was horrible all day thanks to the amount of stress I have over school, friends, family and a lot of other stuff that I would rather not list out. And so I ended up cutting again. Usually I’ve been managing to keep it limited to maximum one cut a day which is a huge improvement for me but I ended up cutting thrice which was obviously not nice. The night before last also I had a huge freak out over my scars and so I ended up talking to Annie about it and she was really nice and all. So yesterday in the evening she messaged to see how I was doing and I answered honestly that I wasn’t doing too well. She was very nice and comforting and helpful. And so that was that.
But then around 11:30 last night, I messaged her to ask if she was still up. I really wasn’t feeling very good and I really needed to talk to someone and I couldn’t think of anyone else who would understand and I just needed to talk to her. Within half and hour she replied that she was up and asked me if I was okay.
Okay, this is very difficult for me to write about or even think about but I was really in a very bad state last night. I just wanted to fucking die. End all the pain and shit. I wanted to end my life. And I didn’t know what to do so that is why I had texted Annie.
So I told her this, and I cried and cried a lot. She told me about how I would put everyone around me in a huge amount of pain if I did that and how my friends SG, Kaii, TB, Shivi and everyone else would miss me like crazy. And I kept telling her how I felt like a huge burden on all of them and that I did not want to cause them any more pain than I already had. And I felt so fucking worthless and I always feel like if I did disappear no one would even miss me. But she tried to make me feel better about everything. We ended up talking till 2 am. And I was crying hysterically but talking to her helped a little.
Annie kept telling me to think about SG and how much I would hurt her if I did something like this. After that I just told her how I was so so tired of pretending to be okay and happy and chirpy all the time and to this she said that I don’t have to pretend if I don’t want to. She said that if I was sad then I didn’t have to act happy just for the sake of other people. And she said that I should tell a few of my friends what I’m going through and I should ask for help. She said that having a support system of good friends helps a lot.
Then I asked her how you tell something like this to people and she said just say it. Blurt it out or something. I said I couldn’t so she suggested writing a note. She said that I should tell them (and by them I mean Kaii, SG, TB and Shivi; At least these are the people Annie suggested) that I’m depressed and suicidal and that I’m unable to work things out on my own and that I need help and support. She said that I should talk to them on Monday. I don’t know if I will though, let’s see.
I’m still quite upset and shaken up but I just have to deal with it considering I have to do a lot of more important work for school. Sometimes I find it funny how school become a priority over mental health. And actually the truth is, I’ve been meaning to do my school work for a long time but I’m kind of unable to. My mind is in a sort of a block and I have no will power to actually work. Usually I just end up lying in bed and staring at my work.
I’m also very very stressed about this upcoming TOK presentation. It’s not the presentation itself that worries me but rather the fact that I have to present in front of a lot of people. I am actually planning to go and talk to my teacher about this and ask her if I could go last or something as then there would be a lesser number of people I’ll have to present to. I don’t know if she will agree and I don’t even know if I will have the guts to do this.
I’m stressing out so much and till now I’ve been telling myself that I can handle it all. I’ve been telling myself that I’m not depressed and I don’t want to die and that I don’t need help but now I’m starting to think that I do need help. And the thing is, I just keep thinking about the things that upset me over and over in my head till I’ve made it so bad that I’m just crying like crazy or cutting. I need to sort out my head.