Today was a very weird day for me. I haven’t slept properly in about a week, I’m very very tired. I’m very stressed out with the amount of work I have and for some reason, I’m kind of sad. And I ended up cutting in school again today. So yeah, it wasn’t a very good day.
So the day started with me getting to know that our Theory Of Knowledge (TOK) presentations are due this Tuesday. Not the final presentation but a mock presentation. And I haven’t even started working on it. And I’m so so so nervous about it. Initially I thought that the presentation was given only in front of a couple of teachers and so I was kind of okay with it but then this morning I found out that we have to present in front of our entire TOK group which is about 30 people! And our groups are divided on the basis of our grades and I am in the 2nd highest group but the for TOK the highest and 2nd highest groups have the sessions together so basically I have to present in front of the smartest people in our grade! And I am freaking out so much already. I had to walk around the entire school about 5 times after I heard this news to calm myself down and get my heart to stop racing. I was almost crying because I was so fucking scared. I hate presentations that badly. And honestly, I know I’ll do badly if I have to do it in front of people. I would do it so much better in front of just the teachers. I’m so scared that I can’t even think about it without freaking out. I can’t do this. I am so fucking scared. And I can’t even explain how scared I am about this to people because they just look at me like I’m crazy when I try to explain. I really really don’t want to do this. Please don’t make me do this omg. Why is it necessary to give all these oral presentations in front of so many people. It’s not fair! Why is it that people don’t think about people with social anxiety!? I know I’m just whining now but omg I’m so fucking scared and annoyed at the same time.
Okay moving on. Right after this whole thing happened, I decided to start working on my Math Internal Assessment to get my mind off this. So for the past few days I have been using my sister’s laptop as my laptop crashed and my new one hasn’t been configured yet. SO I switch it on to start working and the damn internet is not working and I can’t find my data and oh my god I was all over the place! I was going fucking insane. Then I just left the class and I walked out and I decided to go and sit outside near my locker and calm myself down.
So since then I’ve been in such a terrible mood all day. I fucking cut in school again. Why do I do this!? And the thing is I should be happy right now, there is nothing terribly wrong in my life for a change, but I’m not. I’m not happy. Ugh why can’t I just be fucking happy!? I’m so angry and stressed and annoyed that I actually feel like throwing this damn laptop away while I type. I actually just feel like breaking something or like hitting something to get my anger out of the system.
What the fuck am I doing with my life right now? I have zero motivation to do anything. I don’t want to even get out of the fucking bed in the morning. I haven’t managed to do anything for my college applications. I have so much work due that I haven’t even started. I don’t even know what I want to do when school ends. I honestly don’t want to do anything. I wish I could just fucking disappear. Not die, but disappear. Like I want it to be like i never existed. I’m so messed up right now that I don’t even know where my thoughts are going.
I think one of the things that has really been bothering me since last night is that my mother said that she doesn’t want me to leave yet. Like she doesn’t want me to leave the country or maybe even the city for college. But I just want to leave. That is the one thing that I really want to do. I can’t believe that she is going to make me feel guilty for the one thing that I’ve ever wanted to do. I do literally nothing that she doesn’t want me to do. Hell, I don’t even buy clothes she doesn’t like. And honestly I just really want to get out of this damn country! For my mom, I think that I’ll never be up to the standard. I’ll always be not good enough and that fucking hurts me so much. I haven’t told her that I’m into girls and not guys for one reason only and that is that I know that she probably won’t approve. And I can deal with that for now. And forever actually. I have literally thought about living my life without ever telling her this. I haven’t told her about any of the things I’ve been going through lately – the cutting, the food issues and all that. I’m doing pretty okay in school. I’m not the most amazing student ever but i’m managing. I’m trying to do the best I can but I’m still never enough for her. And the reason I haven’t told her anything is because I know that she has a lot to do, her office work is really important and she does have to earn a living and she has to take care of my sister also. But god, I really need her to stop doing things like asking me to stay here because I know she has the ability to guilt trip me into staying and I really don’t want to stay and I don’t want to resent her for making me stay.
I have been so pissed off and annoyed and upset and grumpy all day. Like I’ve literally been roaming around school sulking away. And like I try not to because I don’t want to ruin my friends’ day but I honestly can’t help it anymore. I’m so fucking tired of pretending to be happy all the fucking time. No, I’m not happy. But yeah, I’m still trying to play it cool at school and I have been making an excuse saying I haven’t slept properly and that is why my mood is weird and that is true but there is obviously more to it than just that.
So yeah, I hope this mood of mine passes. I’m trying to focus on the good parts of today for now.