Scars

I have very conflicting feelings about my self harm scars. While most of the time I feel the need to hide them, especially the fresh scars because they are more visible, sometimes I just feel like why should I give a fuck about people seeing them.  I mean yeah they do look bad and they are actually painful for me to look at but it is what it is. That is my reality.

I don’t think I should be ashamed of them. It just shows that I’ve been going through something and I’m dealing with it. Why should I have to hide my scars and be ashamed of them then? I know that they might make other people uncomfortable, I get that. But honestly, I don’t see a reason for them to be uncomfortable. If I know you well enough and you see my scars and ask me about them then I will be willing to talk about them. It’s difficult to talk about things like these but I feel that at times it is really important to talk about them.

On the other hand, a lot of people don’t like people pointing out their scars and I actually understand that too. Like I wouldn’t want a stranger or someone I hardly ever talk to to come up to me ask me why I have those scars on my hands! I guess it’s a matter of how comfortable you are with yourself and with the people around and if you’ve come to terms with your cutting.

For me personally, there has been this thing that has been bothering me a lot about my scars. I’ve kind of become really paranoid at home about my mom finding out. I have literally started staying as far away from her as possible in fear of her seeing them. I couldn’t bare to tell her about them and I really don’t want her to know. So I’ve literally been hiding in my room most of the time when my mom is around and it’s getting a bit uncomfortable and tiring.

Also, another thing is that I have this habit of subconsciously tracing my scars with my fingers. And I don’t realize this but I do this very often, whenever both my hands are free actually. And I feel like it attracts attention which I don’t want it to. SO I just feel like I should be a bit more careful.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was stigma surrounding self harm. People are so reluctant to talk about it. And I think that just makes the person going through it feel worse. And I feel that a huge issue is that a lot of people feel that people self harm to seek attention. Okay, I’m going to try and explain this in my way but I don’t know if it will make sense. I think to some extent that is true. People subconsciously do want the attention but not like pity or something. I think a lot of people who self harm are so desperate for help that they just want someone to notice what they are going through. But for the most part, it’s not true. People come to a point of harming themselves when they feel that they have no other alternative. Imagine the internal pain being so much that the only escape from that is to physically hurt yourself to numb the mental/emotional pain. It’s kind of ironic how something like this that could actually kill makes you feel alive.

I personally have not yet entirely come to terms with the fact that I have scars. Which are sometimes noticeable. And I am still cutting so which means there are probably going to be more new scars. But I’m trying to accept that bit by bit. And I am trying to stop cutting but that is not going to erase the marks so I just have to learn to accept them and be okay with them. It’s not easy for me and it’s probably going to take some time but it will happen. It has to. I’ll manage. I’ll learn to deal with it the best way I can I guess.

Just a little disclaimer here – When I say “people” I don’t mean to generalize. I’m just talking from my experience and everything I’ve said may not be true for everyone else.