This shit again

I’m hurting so much right now that I can’t even handle it. I can’t do this. Like I feel physically sick because of the emotional shit. I cannot do this right now. And honestly, I keep telling myself that i’m not going to do sad posts like this but I don’t know what else to do and this somehow helps.

So I don’t know what happened today but somehow I was feeling really down in the morning. Last night was kinda bad for me. No particular reason, it just was. I cut a bit and I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know what to do. it’s like I don’t want to talk to people about this because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. I don’t understand why I can’t make myself feel better. Like why do I keep doing this to myself. Why can’t I just be happy? I’m tired of not being happy. I’m tired of being the weird girl. The one who people don’t really want to talk to, never as a first choice at least. I want to be someone’s first choice, someone’s best friend, someone’s person. i want someone I can always rely on, someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I just need someone to be there for me. Someone I can talk to without thinking whether I am bothering them or not and all those things. I’m just so hurt right now I don’t know what to do. And also, i don’t have time to be hurt!!!!!! I have too much school work. I have one or two friends who tell me that they’re there for me and I know that but I still feel like I’m not first choice for them and I’m never going to be so why should I bother them.

Also, i think I’m over my crush, R. Like I’m not sure but I think I am. I have been feeling like I don’t like her as much as I used to earlier for a while now. And I always had a doubt that she knew that I liked her but i didn’t know for sure. But today I found out for sure that she knew and she has been telling a lot of people about it. So it kinda hurt me because I really thought she was a nice person. And I really had enough to think about today without adding this to the list.

Then yesterday In English class something happened. Basically we are reading this book which we analyse chapter wise in class and have discussions and all. So I don’t really speak much in class because I don’t like to talk in front of so many people and it makes me a bit nervous. I always feel like I’m going to say something stupid and everyone is going to laugh at me. So yeah I don’t speak much in class but yesterday, our teacher told me and a few more people to take turns to explain a part of the chapter because she thinks that we are the ones that talk the least. So of course I started freaking out and then I was stuttering a bit but I said a few lines but there were a lot of pauses in between and it wasn’t good. i don’t really talk to many people in my English class and I knew they were laughing at me but whatever I did it. But It felt bad, it really did. And then my teacher made a remark saying that wasn’t too hard was it and you heart is not beating at 130 bpm is it? it kinda embarrassed me a bit.

And then today at lunch, I ate actual food. Okay so I took a spoonful of rice and some dal and cucumber and I ate all of it. It was really difficult for me but I did it. Today after a long time, I felt like an outsider again. i was just sitting there and wonderin why I’m sitting at this table. I almost felt like I used to when I used to sit at my previous table with people who made me really uncomfortable. And then I just got up and left. So yeah, it felt bad but it’s okay. I am so used to this. I can deal with this. But it still hurts, a lot.

So yeah, it’s been a bad day. To top it all, this crush I was talking about, R, she nd I are doing our psychology experiment together and I thought I was done with it but we had to share the results and all so I still have to talk to her. Then there was a bit of a problem with it so she called me up. She called me up. Normally, that would have been the most exciting news ever, today it just freaked me out a bit.

And usually I can rely on my friends Shivi or SG to calm me down in stressful situations at school but not today. Today I hardly talked to Shivi because she was hanging out with this guy all day and I did not want to interrupt.  And SG, she seemed so happy and like she has her own life, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her all this.

Today has just been a horrible day and I have a feeling that tomorrow isn’t going to be much better but I’ll deal with it. I have to I guess. Oh gosh, tonight is going to be a long night.