Warning – I’m going to be talking about my triggers, my self harm issues, depression, weight issues, etc. here so if you decide to read this, proceed with caution. Oh and this is going to a long post.
So the night before last was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while. But for me to explain that, I need to give some history. In grade 6 or 7 I went through a major bout of depression. So bad that I considered ending my life more than once but I couldn’t. I was too scared I guess. Everyone knew I was depressed, my family included but I never got it diagnosed by a psychologist or anything so I can’t really say that I had depression. But my grandmother who is a doctor said I was, and my mom knew all about it. I overheard her talking about it one day. But she never took me to the doc and she never spoke about it to me. I kind of realized that it was one of those things I could never talk about and so I kept it shut and did what I could. I don’t know what changed but slowly I started getting better. I never fully got “over it” but it improved and I din’t feel like dying everyday. At this point I had not started self harming yet.
So then around 9th grade things got bad again. I felt incredibly alone, I don’t have anyone to talk to and I felt as if no one could understand me. I felt like I was never going to be good enough for anyone and that no one could ever love me. My mom wasn’t around much but I can’t blame her. She had to earn a living after all and so again I told no one about it. Towards the end of grade 9, I started cutting. A lot. Almost everyday. I was skipping meals and it was bad. I try to block out most of it but god that time was horrible. I have always been a sad and dark and twisty person but that time was one of the worst times ever. This was the time when I almost killed myself. Again, of course, I couldn’t. Fear, I guess. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t scared of dying, I was scared of what I would have to tell people when they asked why if I survived. How would I face everyone? So life went on and I got slightly better again. I got through half of grade 10, before it got bad again. I din’t cut so much this time but I did a bit. The way I felt at that time, I can’t even explain it. Everything was so painful. I was having a hard time doing simple daily things and I so upset all the time but I couldn’t tell anyone. I was so ashamed and I felt like telling anyone would be a huge burden on them.
So before I joined this school, my cutting increased. Once, I cut so badly that I ended up in the hospital. Of course I said that I didn’t mean to cut so badly but I actually meant it. I wasn’t supposed to wake up the next day. But I did. And so life moved on. This was a bit of a wake up call for me and I suddenly stopped cutting or at least reduced it a lot. Then in September or October of last year, that is grade 11, I started feeling like that again. i din’t really have too many friends at school or anywhere and I had issues with my body and weight issues. I couldn’t even make friends because I can’t talk to anyone without thinking about it a million times in my head. It’s very difficult because my mind instantly starts analyzing everything and makes me feel bad about myself. so then I was cutting once in a while, every time something happened or things got bad. So from about this March, I starting have really bad weight issues and starting skipping meals. Not every meal but once in a while.
Now, I have written about my food issues before but lately it’s been getting pretty bad.So the night before last, things got very very bad. I cut myself a lot and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to scream and I was about ready to explode. And I wanted to cut my wrists so so bad. I just wanted to numb out the pain. But I knew if I cut my wrist once, I wouldn’t be able to control myself, i was so angry. I knew I needed to calm down and talk about it to someone. First thing I did was that I drew a butterfly on my wrist (The Butterfly Project). Then I thought I’ll text my best friend (GS) but I knew she would be busy studying. Her exams are coming and she studies a lot, so I didn’t want to bother her. So I sat and went through my entire Whatsapp contact list 3 times before I clicked on Annie’s number. I sent her a long text saying that I needed to talk and I was sorry to bother her but I wanted her to draw a butterfly on her wrist because I couldn’t keep a promise to myself but I could keep one to her. In the past she had told me many times that I could talk to her if I ever needed her and she said that she would always be there so I told her all this. Then she replied asking whether I had cut and if I was okay and all that. And she asked how and why I was feeling like this and what was triggering it and all so I copy pasted this post called “I’m tired of being a mess” and sent it to her. So at this point we were talking on Whatsapp and after reading it she asked whether we could talk on Skype because we couldn’t exactly talk on the phone because she is in London right now. At first I was reluctant because I do not like to talk about things like this on video calls and I am too conscious but she said that we could just do a voice call and so I agreed. I had forgotten my Skype ID and password so I set up a new account and called her up. So she talked me me for over an hour at one in the night. She told me a bit about her as she had been through some similar stuff. She calmed me down quite a bit. I talked to her about my eating/food issues and anxiety and triggers and all. She was telling me how I need to understand what my triggers are and only then can I avoid them and she suggested therapy. I also talked to her about my mom and about a lot actually.
It helped so much to talk about it. And I hadn’t exactly eaten all day so she convinced me to eat and all. The feeling of being able to talk to someone who understands was so good. Of course, I din’t magically get better and not want to cut anymore but it did help a bit. So at about 3 in the night, I had some cereal and milk. And of course I felt awful after eating and I cut once but just once, so it was not so bad. Then I though about it a lot for the rest of the night and tried to understand my triggers and I think I figured them out a bit.
So first is obviously food related for me. Every time I eat something that I feel like I should not have or someone makes a comment about my eating habits or food then I feel absolutely horrible and I end up cutting.
My second trigger is my family. I hate saying this but at times they make such hurtful remarks without intending to, especially my mom, who is also never around. I often end up cutting when something happens with her.
And my third trigger is the feeling I get when I have no one to talk to. Yeah, this one is weird. It’s just that every time I don’t have anyone around, no one bothers to get in touch or no one cares, then I definitely end up cutting. I feel so worthless in those times.
It’s just that I feel like no one fucking cares if I live or die. No one bothers to check up one me. I could be dead and my friends would not know maybe till school reopened. It feels horrible. And yesterday, Annie texted me at night saying “I hope you’ve eaten today x” and it was the first time in a very very long time that anybody bothered to see if I was okay.
I had decided to not write about such things on my blog but I couldn’t help it. Sorry. I am so tired of covering everything up in real life and I am so tired of pretending to be okay. I really wish someone was here to just sit and hold me. I feel pathetic and needy but that is the way it is. I want to ask my mom to send me to therapy but I don’t know if I can. So here I am ranting away on my blog. I just want someone to be there. Is that too much to ask for?