I’m tired of being a mess.

I’m so tired of feeling like this. I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I will never be enough for anyone and I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I feel fat and ugly and worthless. I feel like I will never be enough for my mom.

Oh god there is so much o my mind I don’t even think I can put it into words but I am going to try. Okay so here goes.

I like food. I like to eat. And I eat. As much as I like. And I am fat. Not obese but yeah fat. There. I said it. I don’t eat too much at mealtimes, but I eat a lot of junk that I probably shouldn’t. And I stress eat. Food is like umm like idk. It’s something I go to when I am sad, upset, happy, anything basically. So I know I might have a bit of a problem there but my sister and my mom pointing it out all the time doesn’t help. It really doesn’t help and I hate it. I do not like to talk about it. And It’s difficult for me to talk about. It’s difficult for me to write about. And the thing is, my mom and my sis, they are both thin. And I know it shouldn’t matter but it does. They both sort of team up and keep telling me I shouldn’t eat this, i shouldn’t eat that. And this has too much sugar and that will make you fat and all that. And then they tell me to not take it personally but I do. I don’t know why but I can’t take this matter lightly. And so now I feel so awful every time I have to eat in front of people. It makes me so conscious. So I don’t eat in front of people. As far as I can avoid it that is. So I mentioned before that I go for french classes right. And we have an option of eating breakfast there. And I sometimes wake up late and don’t have time to eat in the morning and so I think that I’ll eat there but god I can’t. So I just stay hungry instead. And then the other day I went to my friends place and it was around lunch time and she asked me if I ate already or do I want to eat. I hadn’t but i said I had because I couldn’t eat in front of her. Then last month I went to have lunch with my friends. I wrote about it before. And I said that we had pizza at fat lulu’s and all that. Only, what I did not mention is that i did not really eat. I told my friends that I already ate but I actually had not. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t eat in front of so many people. It’s so strange. Then one day I cut some mangoes for everyone after dinner. Everyone ate and then there were a couple of pieces left and we did not want to put them in the refrigerator so I asked who wanted them. No one did. So I said that if no one wants one, maybe I’ll have one. But then my mom made a comment that I don’t exactly remember but it made me so conscious that I could not even eat it. Then last weekend we went to see a movie and we got popcorn before the movie. Then at the intermission my mom asked if we wanted something. I wanted a coke and I said that but initially she made a face but she said that it was my wish and I could get one if I wanted. But the way she said it, and again, I couldn’t so I just went and got her water. It’s these little things which hurt me so much. They are small things and I shouldn’t care so much but I do and it makes me very conscious. I hate it. I hate it so much. And the worst part is that I know I probably shouldn’t do all this and I hate what I look like and I feel fat and ugly but I can’t stop. I can’t.

And I’m so tired of my sister being better than me at everything. Don’t get me wrong. I love her very very much but I am also kind of jealous of her. it’s disgusting. I am disgusting. I am jealous of my 12 year old sister. I constantly feel that she is better than me at everything. And that she is more like my mother than I could ever be. And what kills me is that I know I am like my dad. i hate my dad. I don’t want to be like him but I know that I am. I look more like him, I even behave more like him. I know that my mom sees him in me and she must hate it. I hate it. And my sister and my mom are a team and i am the outsider. Always have been. Earlier i used to still be okay with it. i used to think that I am good at my things and she is good at her things but now I feel like she has taken over my things. It’s stupid. I feel like she reads more, she is better at art, she is better at baking. Those used to be my things. I feel pathetic writing all this. I am pathetic.

And I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I mean I am almost done with school. Last year. And my mom wants me to decide right now what I want to do with my life.  I don’t know what I want to do. I know it’s either psychology or English but I do not know which one. And my mom wants me to stay in India. I cannot stay in India. It’s not that I hate India but I feel like I do not belong here. But I know that there is a very huge chance that I will have to stay here. I don’t have the money to go study in the US and I know that but I want to so badly. In fact I know that my mom is having a hard time trying to afford our schools itself but Oh god I just need to go. I need to escape this world. But I can’t. I need to stay here and help my mom. I need to stay here for my sister. I need to get a job as soon as I can and I need to help my family. I can’t afford to go off and do my own thing. Ugh, sometimes I just feel how nice would it be if only we had a little more money. And I know my mom is upset that she can’t afford to do more for us. And she is stressed out with her work and all that. I understand all that. And then the other day my mom asked me if I wanted her to call my dad and ask him to help pay for college. I know she doesn’t want that. And I don’t want that either if it means that he has to be back in our life. I want him as far away from us as possible. But sometimes I speculate, wouldn’t it be nice to have two parents to worry about all this. I don’t want to worry about all this already. And he has money, I know that. So wouldn’t it be nice for him to pay for college. My mom says it’s my decision but I don’t know. How can I decide? Ugh. fml.

Then there is the whole thing with my best friend. I just feel so disconnected. I feel like I don’t know her at all and she won’t open up and I am tired of trying. And I feel like she doesn’t understand me. tbh, I don’t think anyone understands me right now. Not even me. Yeah I know, super dramatic.  I have this weird heavy feeling inside me that I can’t explain. Ugh.

Yeah I’m not done yet but I can’t write any more right now. So yeah, that’s all for now.