Leaving

I often talk about leaving. This city, this country and going of to live on my own. In a different country and away from my family. But now I feel like I don’t know if I can do that. I mean I really really want to and I know I can manage on my own but I don’t know if I can leave my family behind. I mean not because I would be too homesick or anything but because I would feel so guilty leaving my mom and my sister behind to care for themselves. I mean what will happen to my sis if I leave. When my mom is not at home, which is most of the time, my sis comes to me for everything. How can I leave her and go. And my mom needs me here. she doesn’t say it but I know that she does. But I don’t know what to do, leaving would be so selfish of me but its all I have ever wanted, to get out of this city and go see the world. I know I don’t have to think about it right away, college is still a year away but I don’t like the idea of leaving my sis to fend for herself. I don’t know what to do. All I want is to go away to some other country for college and my mom has often subtly hinted that she would like me to stay here  so I don’t know what to do!? So much confusion.

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” – John green, Paper Towns.

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