Warning: This is a very very long rant post. Read at your own risk.
I had a HUGE fight with my best friend (GS) a couple of days back. I wasn’t going to blog about it because I feel like I am saying shit behind her back but I am about to explode and blogging is the only thing that will help so here goes.
Okay so back in 9th grade (almost 3 years back) we had a big fight because she claimed that she had skin cancer and her dad hit her and her parents were going through a divorce. Only, she did not tell me all this on her own, she told a guy who she was interested in over Facebook. I had warned her that this guy did not seem very trustworthy but it was her decision after all. So this guy turned out to be an asshole and went and told this common friend of ours. This friend of ours was closer to me than she was to GS so she came and told me all this because she assumed that I already knew, but I din’t. I was upset that my Best friend did not tell me something so big and important. But I understood that maybe she just needed some time.
But then I just got tired of waiting and I confronted her about it. Yeah I know it was shitty of me to do that but I just wanted to know how she was. How was she dealing and all that. So she said she had Melanoma and her dad hit her and her family situation was not good and her parents were getting a divorce and all that. And she was crying and so I comforted her and all that.
But judge me all you want for doubting my best friend, but I did. I just found the whole story very unbelievable. And almost a copy of what I had told her. Just a few months before this incident, my brother-in-law (husband of one my cousins would be my brother in law, right?) had died of Melanoma. We used to be really close and I had told this friend of mine all about it and how much it hurt me. I had even shown her the doctor’s reports and everything. My parents are divorced and I have a history of domestic violence in my family also, again something she knew about in detail. So I don’t know but I felt that she was making it up for attention. Yes, I know, I am a horrible person for thinking that. But I am not the kind of person to keep quiet and bitch about it behind her back so I told her that I couldn’t quite believe it. I know I must have hurt her, doubting her like that. So I asked to see a doctor’s report. She said she would ask her mother if she could show it to me because her mother supposedly kept the report in a locked drawer. So the next day she said that she couldn’t because her mother wanted this whole thing to be super secret. Again, this I did not understand this because she has sneaked out bigger things out of her house before, but I said okay. I din’t ask again and she din’t bring it up again.
Then one afternoon, she came to my house crying, saying that her dad hit her. I comforted her and tried to talk to her and I basically wanted her to get help and all that. She refused to tell anyone else about it, and this I understood, so I encouraged her to talk to her mom about it and she said she would. Then she wet home and then she talked to me maybe once more about it and said that her parents resolved everything and they were not going to get a divorce after all. And then she refused to talk about it ever again as she did with the cancer thing.
I let it go because I felt like maybe she needed some space and talking about it was too painful. But honestly, I could not truly ever believe it. It’s not that I don’t trust people but GS has always been the type of person who likes a lot of attention. And she also has always copied me in almost everything. I don’t mean this in a bad way but it’s weird. I got a dog, she got one too. I wanted to study humanities, so did she. I wanted to change to science, so did she. Even my clothing choices she tried to copy. So this crazy idea was stuck into my head that did she just copy two my life’s major events and say that they happened in her life!? But I ignored that thought and life moved on.She told me to never bring up these two things ever again and I said okay. Three years passed by without even a mention of any of these things.
Then a couple of days back, I had a fight with her about all this. We din’t really mean to fight, it was kind of strange. I love deep talks and she doesn’t. At least not as much as I do. And I was just thinking when I realized I don’t know her much anymore. We have grown up and become different and I no nothing about her, her interests, her dreams, nothing! So we just sitting and talking when I told her this. So I started asking her random stuff. Favorite color, her interests, what she wanted to do in life, dreams and all that. So she answered them very casually almost like she din’t care. So, I just asked her what are the things in your life that have affected you most? I did not mean to open a can of worms, and I did not realize that this would lead to a fight. Her answer was moving to this city and joining this school and living in this locality. And then she added the “cancer thing” almost as an after thought. And she did not even mention the family stuff.
I was just sitting and listening to her when I realized that I know nothing about those two major life events of hers and so I asked. She said she din’t want to talk about them. That really made me upset and I told her that it wasn’t fair and that the cancer could have killed her and I had a right to know. I said that she calls me her best friend but doesn’t tell me important things (she din’t even tell me about her first boyfriend) and I tell her everything and that it is not fair to me. I know it was probably a little harsh but I was so mad at her. It’s not fair for her to just leave me thinking that my best friend could have dropped dead without me knowing what was happening. I was just so so tired of not knowing. It has always bothered me not knowing the whole story and even whether it was the truth but I never brought it up for her sake but this time she brought it up and i couldn’t help but react like this. So then she said that she wouldn’t give me proof (this time I din’t even ask for it, she brought it p herself) and she said that she would tell me the whole story if I really wanted to know but she behaved as if I was forcing her to go thought the pain of telling me and that made me so mad. Like she doesn’t think I deserve to know even after all these years. I have done nothing but be supportive of her through everything. And then she asks me if I will meet her tomorrow evening (we meet almost every evening in the summer vacations) so I said I don’t know. And then I said I had to go because I was too upset and had to blow off steam and I did not want to say anything more than I would regret in the future. This was two days back.
Then yesterday she messages me saying “hey”. I wasn’t in the mood to talk yet so I just wrote back “yeah?”, and to this she wrote back “you don’t want to talk?” and so I said “What is there to talk about?”. Then she said, “Nothing special. I texted just like that. I understand that you are upset with me.” At this I said “umm okay” and that was it. She din’t reply and I din’t text her again.
I might be shitty of me to do this but I am tired of this and I want to know the full story. The truth. And I am so annoyed with her right now, I cannot even bear to see her face. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. I might be wrong, but I don’t think it’s fair for her to do this. To put me through shit thinking that anything could have happened to her without me ever having a clue. And I also know this is incredibly selfish but oh my god, I am so mad, I cant even think properly.
And for some time now I can feel us drifting apart. She has always been supportive of me but we are so different, I don’t even know how we are friends. I can’t get her to take anything seriously and I don’t know. I love her and I tell her everything but right now I just can’t be near her without fighting and I don’t want to say something really bad to her so I am just kind of avoiding her. And I don’t know If i should apologize first or what? I don’t know what to do!? I want to talk to her but I just cant. UGH.