I’m losing it.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong but whatever it is, I need to stop. I am so so tired. I cannot put into words how tired I am. I am so sick of myself. Like I am sad even when I am happy. And I have nothing much to be sad about but I am. It’s like this empty feeling and I just want to cry but I don’t know why I feel like crying. It’s like this constant weight on my head. This sinking feeling. Even when I am happy, I am not. Like I feel that I should be happy so I try but I don’t feel good inside. I try to pretend I am okay all the time, but I don’t feel so okay right now. And the worst part is that I don’t know why I am not okay. I do not know what’s wrong. I just need someone to talk to and someone too be around but lately there has been no one around. And I know that I can’t count on anyone always being there for me but I really really need someone right now. I really need a friend right now. Someone who is willing to stay up with me all night if need be to just talk. But at the same time, I do not want to burden anyone with my problems. People get tired of your sadness. No one wants to be around someone like me, someone who is always sad on the inside. And so I hide it. I keep it in and I keep it shut and sealed. But I think I am losing it now. I am tired of hiding it and I just want someone to be there for me when I need them. Everyone seems to have someone or the other to take care of and someone who takes care of them but me. I seem to just be left alone.

For a year now I have been in this school and in the whole year there has never been a moment where I have felt like I belong with these people and they are my friends.I have made some friends but even with them i have almost always felt like n outsider. And this is my own fault. My insecurities creep up every time I make new friends. I feel like people talk to me because they have to, to not be rude and that they don’t really want to. When someone says something nice, I over-think and over analyse it and obsess over it wondering if they actually meant it. And I make myself feel bad about it. I don’t know why but I cant seem to fit it with anyone ever. I have never fit in anywhere, even at my old school. I used to think that it was just because I was so different from the people in my old school and that it would be different here but I was wrong. It’s just the same. I am never anyone’s first choice and I am never going to be. I am not even my own first choice.

I feel like shit most of the time but I keep it all in because no one wants to hear me go on about my problems. I am so tired of keeping everything in, I feel like I am going to burst. Or collapse or something. I just need a friend to sit with me and talk to me for like 4 or 5 hours. I just want someone to want to talk to me for 4 or 5 hours.

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