Sometimes I just feel like talking to a friend about random shit or about deep stuff or whatever. And this is when I realize that I don’t really have a friend I can talk to. Don’t get me wrong now, I do have a really good friend and she is amazing but she isn’t around much and she is usually very busy and so I fell like I am being too needy and so I just don’t ed up texting her when I need her. In the recent past, there have been so many nights when I have just wanted a friend to be around but have not had one. It’s so strange because I don’t understand why or how this happened? Like where did all my friends go? I mean, I never had too many friend but I do remember having a few friends at one point. Somehow, now there is so much distance between me and my friends and I don’t know how to bridge the gap.
I feel like I am getting bad again. It took me over a year to get good, and I cannot go back to feeling like I used to. I ended up cutting twice over this past week. I don’t want to cut anymore. I just want to feel good. I want to be happy. I need to find a way to be happy. And I have become so negative. Like I don’t know why but I seem to just keep dwelling on the sad parts and making myself feel worse.
Exams are here and I really need to focus on them, but I can’t seem to get my mind into studying. It’ stupid, but I am the kind of person who needs a good social like to do well academically. Like if I know I have friends who love me and want me around it makes me feel good. And if I am feeling good, my studies improve automatically. It’s weird but it’s true. I am so fucked up.
I feel so fucking helpless and I can’t understand what to do to stop feeling like shit. I had told myself that I am not going to make another sad and crappy blog post but here I am. I tried to write about other things but as soon as I started typing all these thoughts just came tumbling out. Ugh, I am so annoyed with myself.