Recently I have been feeling so incredibly down. I just feel like a waste of time and space. And very useless. I should be doing something worthwhile with my life. My mom is paying a huge amount of money for me to attend an international school and I making no use of it. I am just wasting my time. I am not even doing my school work properly. My social life has become non-existent. And I am always so unhappy. Why the fuck am I so unhappy? And how do I change this? I feel like I am losing my mind. I really need to do something but I don’t even know what. And I really need to talk to someone. Half the time at school, I don’t even talk to anyone. I thought I had friends in this school but then I kind of realised that these people are not my friends, they are just classmates. That is it. They don’t really give a fuck about me. I feel so unwanted. Like no one would care if I wasn’t here anymore.
I feel so like shit and for some strange reason I feel like crying all the time at school. But I don’t. Because even if I did, who would even care? And anyways, no one wants to hear about someone else’s problems. And plus people would just think I am doing it for attention or something. So I keep it all in. and hide it all behind plastic smiles. I am so sick and tired of pretending to be happy. I really just don’t want to exist anymore.
At times it gets so bad that I literally try and avoid all social situations in school. There have been times where I have just gone and literally hid in the washroom during the break and avoided going to lunch by just going to the library instead. I have started hating breaks and lunch because I have no idea who to talk to or what to do during these times.
And I am really so disturbed by the fact that everyone who talks to you is not really your friend. I have talked to some people in school and had meaningful conversations with them and I assumed that meant we were friends but not really. It was just a one-time thing for them. I have literally exchanged important parts of my life with people who do not even bother to acknowledge me in school. And especially those people who talk really nicely to me when we are alone but totally ignore my existence when their other friends are around. Like what is that about? Are you ashamed to be friends with me? If yes then please don’t pretend to be friends with me ever and spare me the heartache.
But ultimately it’s my fault. I let people walk all over me. I don’t learn even after I have been hurt by the same person over and over again. I just feel so alone and I have kind of lost any sort of direction in life. Like I don’t even know what I am doing. And honestly the only reason I have for going to school anymore is that maybe I might get to talk to R (my crush). I know it is stupid but it is what it is. I am so insecure about myself that it is embarrassing. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me, laughing at me. I always feel like they are laughing behind my back about the way I walk, talk, everything basically. And it’s damn painful. And hiding all of this under smiles and giggles is really difficult for me but I don’t have a choice and so I just shut up and force myself to do it. (If you met me in real life you would probably never figure out any of this stuff.)
I just don’t want to feel like shit anymore. I just want this stupid pain to end. I really need to find some purpose in life. What am I even doing?