The first time…

I was 14 when this started. She was this really cool junior in high school and i was just some dorky freshman. She lived really close by and our younger sisters used to play together. I used to look at her and think that she was one of the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Then one day, I was just sitting with a friend of mine and she came up to us and started talking to us. And this is how we became friends. I would always think that she was really pretty and I though of her constantly. This was before i knew that i was into girls. I considered myself straight at this point. I told my friend about the fact that i thought of this girl constantly and wanted to talk to her all the time and that i felt all the things you feel for a crush for her. My friend told me that i most probably wanted to ‘be’ her and not be ‘with’ her. And i thought that she was right. slowly,i realized this wasn’t true and that i had really fallen for a girl. Then came the panic about realizing that I was into girls. And this was the moment which launched this long journey of self discovery and figuring out how i identified.
I never told this girl how I felt about her. She graduated high school and moved away to college. We still keep in touch through text messages once in a while. She will never know it, but i am so grateful to her for sparking this thing inside me that led me to discover a very important part of myself.